I Never Used to Cry

I noticed in my blog I talk a lot about crying. I didn't cry for almost 7 years, when I was in my late 20's and early 30's. There is a big story about that, but it will have to wait. The reason it has to wait is a story in of itself that also has to be told another time. The point is, I couldn't cry. I held everything in until one day the dam broke and I haven't stopped since. I make no apologies for the crying. I get that some see it as a weakness. I, personally, don't view it that way. My crying keeps me honest and my integrity in tact. I am happy that I cry whenever it suits. Years ago, I was not able to allow the tears to flow and found myself pushing anything truly emotional away from me. Now I feel things deeply. There is solace in feeling things all the way to my bones.
It makes it easier for me to let go of the stuff that happens in my life that might possibly weigh me down. I have had anchors around my neck and I really hate the feeling of drowning, so I let the water flow and the snot drip.
Today is day 6. Day 5 I went and got my hair cut and permed, before the helmet season kicks in here in Houston. I basically took the day off. I probably should not have, but I spent time at The Conservatory, it's in the chapter "Pebbles In My Pond" and saw all the friends I have been missing for months. I felt peaceful there. It helps that it is a Day Spa and has perfectly appointed decor, but the peolple are more beautiful than their surroundings.
I dropped out for the day. I needed the break. My hair now coiffed, today I am ready to start getting ready for the big changes that heading for me like a Mac truck.
I will spend the day picking apart the house we just finished, trying to see it with new eyes. I love this house. I am very proud of the work we have done. It is beautiful. I always knew it could be and now it truly is.
Tomorrow we sign the paper work and put the for sale sign in the yard. I am hoping some nice people buy our house. Our neighbors deserve someone wonderful. We have been so blessed living amongst the nicest people. I remember the first day we "moved in". We didn't have a stick of furniture because it was a holiday weekend. We had no appliances, not a cup or plate or slice of bread. My car was on it's way somewhere between Ohio and Texas and wouldn't arrive for another week. I didn't know where the grocery store was. I didn't know where the post office, bank, hospital or schools were. We slept on air mattresses and sleeping bags and sat on the floor or ground. The boys and I took a walk to the store and nearly passed out from heat stroke. I learned that day, no one walks in Houston at 2PM in 102 heat index weather. I have learned many things about Texas since moving here. The thing I learned most recently is, it is my home. I have lived here for 6 years now and it is where my kids go to college, where they graduated from high school and where Michael's company and our future is based. It is where I finally wrote a book, somehting I thought I would only dream of doing.
In the six years we have lived here, we have survivied hurricanes, Ike being the most ferocious, draughts, tropical storms, teenagers, pay cuts, injuries, illness, job loss, the worst economic melt down since the depression, and on and on...I looked at Michael this morning bleary eyed over fresh coffee, in silence, as we prioritized our separate work day in our heads. I looked at how tired he was. His eyes half closed, he checked his work list and added several more things on an already full piece of paper. I saw how much greyer his hair has become. I thought momentarily about my own reflection and how much I have changed over the last six years. I couldn't help but smile at my boyfriend. We are moving forward together. The last time we moved, he was in Houston handling everything south, while I remained with the kids in Cleveland handling everything north. This time we are in it together. I sipped slowly, my coffee, wanting the morning to last longer before we went our separate ways to do our separate chores. This house of ours has our family imprint all over it. We have painted every wall and replaced every light switch. When I step back and really look at our house, it exudes warmth and love and lots and lots of work. I have loved living here, but if staying means just keeping things the same because it's scary, then I want to move on. Nothing was scarier than moving our family 1200 miles away from everything we have ever loved, so this shouldn't be nearly as bad. I am more afraid of not moving forward and missing something, than I am wanting to keep my house. My home is Michael and my kids; always has been, always will be.

Day 4, Already?

Yesterday I felt a shift. I got some things accomplished, like I started scrubbing the floor on my hands and knees. The house has to be camera ready by Thursday. I have forgotten what it looks like when it's clean. We have been under construction for so long, I can't remember what it is like to walk around a clean house. This would be the time I would usually freak out. I would start yelling at everybody about picking up after themselves and have a nervous breakdown over an empty toilet paper roll lying on the bathroom floor,because somebody missed the trash can. This is the time when my stress level would cause my inherited vein in my forehead to protrude like a tumor, throbbing and bulging at the sight of an unmade bed. But I am not doing any of those things. The truth is, I feel calm, as if I were in an out of body experience calm. Have I finally let go of this whole thing? I have spent so much time praying for the ability to not have self recrimination about selling our home. I have begged for months to let God's will be done and not try and control everything. Is that what this feeling is?
I have no desire to move. It's not as exciting as I wish it were. I lack the necessary motivation to find the new house, or at least that is what I thought I felt. I still do what is necessary, so obviously I have some motivation. I am thinking now that maybe I am just letting flow and not trying to control everything all the time. It's hardly a state of enlightenment when all I am doing is cleaning up and looking for flaws, but I think I may be on to something. I am not pulling my usual bag of crap. I am not blaming me or the family or talking about how this sucks all the time. Something in me has moved on to another place. I am feeling very zen about this right now. No worries, there is still time to panic and act like a maniac, but for now I feel inwardly peaceful that all will work out if I just keep a cool head and let go.
There will be no big reveal for me when my 30 days is over. I am not going to show myself as thirty pounds lighter, looking 10 years younger with the ability to face everything with grace. Remember, I am still me. I will still be the person who trips into the room, spills my food down the front of my shirt and has hair that sticks straight up because I never checked the back of it. What I do feels is happening is I am starting to relax in a way I don't think I ever have. i am not playing the "what if..." game. I like it, I like it a lot.
Another confession...I nap. I don't sleep well at night, so I nap during the day to try and catch up. The results of my insomnia is that I am always tired and never feel completely rested. Stress, teenagers, menopause all play a part in why I can't sleep, or should I say I hadn't been sleeping. Recently, in the last two nights, I slept like a log. The last two days, I have not required a nap. This is big for me people! Naps make me edgy, as if I have missed important opportunities because I have been Rip Van Bitchy, sleeping away the prime daylight hours others enjoy. I woke up this morning realizing I actually slept through the night two nights in a row. I haven't done that in five years.
So there it is, my first big "change". Can I do this every night? Let's not get ahead of ourselves. It is only day 4. I would be happy if I got to sleep through the night for the rest of my time on the project. But I have momentum now and it's time to just roll down the hill with it.
Today is day 4 and I have tons to so with the house, but still have to stay on track with me. yesterday, I prayed my prayers of gratitude for all I have. I said my mantra of "Your will not mine" as I scrubbed the floor. I spoke to my kids in calm voices about expectations in the coming week. I neither fell apart or acted like a maniac. This is all good. Today is about organizing my work and personal life. My desk looks as if a paper factory threw up on it. I can't find things I need and I spend countless hours looking for things that are right in front of my face. One week I counted the hours I spent looking for things that had been miss placed. Are you ready for this? Eight bloody hours, an entire day wasted looking for stuff I should have been able to access in a few seconds. So, today I will spend my time back on the treadmill, which I had to unearth because of all the construction supplies, Cleaning off the paper covered surfaces in our house, which there are three, the kitchen table, my desk, and Michael's desk. Today we find out exactly what has been covering up the table cloth. At one point I thought about making a table cloth out of type written paper, so when the barrage of letters, leaflets and notices came in it would blend it and nobody would notice the mess.
Today, I unearth the stuff and really look at why I am saving scraps and bits of things that must not be so important or they wouldn't end up in a heap somewhere. I am hoping by digging things out, maybe I will discover something about me in the ruins.

Setting My Intention Day 3

It's day 3. Today is about setting my intention on being more proactive in my own life instead of the reactionary status I have held in the past. It's about getting things done that I want to do.
When was the last time you asked yourself,"What do I want?" For me, it's been since high school. Had you asked me as a child, what I wanted to be when I grew up, I could have told you instantly, but now as grown woman with a whole history behind me, the truth is I have no idea. I have denied myself the possibility of that question. Maybe I don't ask because I am afraid that I won't live long enough to see it to fruition. Maybe I stopped asking because the minute I conceived my children, I realized it was no longer about just me. Maybe, life's disappointments have made me afraid to want things anymore. Or just maybe, it's all of the above.
Today I am setting my intention on who I want to be. Make no mistake, I do not view my life as a failure or disappointment. I will never negate the sacrifices I have made for my kids, they were necessary and important. But my job with my kids is coming to an end. There is an end point to motherhood. That doesn't mean I am no longer their mother, it means that the real time, full time job of mothering is coming to a close. I have made myself redundant. And that is a good thing. I was not supposed to be their full time mother forever. I was supposed to raise them to be responsible adults, and I have. I like, as well as love my kids. I push them everyday to be better human beings. I worked my butt off living as breathing example of which direction they should take when it comes to the really big stuff. They listened and are succeeding on their own. Now I need to take the endless amount of energy it took to raise my kids and redirect it towards me and where I am going from here.
I could rest on my laurels and just do the status quot, or I could take this once in a lifetime opportunity and be different than I am now. I could now take the chances I didn't have the luxury of taking before and try not just one thing, but a million things.
I am not on a reality show with life coaches or personal trainers, riding me like a pony at the state fair everyday. I am on my own, because that is most people's reality. I need to do this because I want to, not because someone else is pushing me to do it. Sure, I have a greater potential for failure, but I also have the chance to prove to myself that anything really is possible if I put MY mind to it.
My intention is to start at least 3 new healthy habits by the time this is done. 30 days is all it takes to acquire a habit. My intention is also to see that my purpose here is as much for me, as it is for anybody else. I was not born to be only a wife or mother. I was born for a purpose that has as much to do with me as a person, as it is to be there for others. I guess I am lucky because I do not need to work on service for others. I have put my money where my mouth was as far as that is concerned. When my friends were making big bucks in their careers back in the 1990's, I was working with the dying and elderly making crap for a living. I never did for the money, or I wouldn't have done it. I lived authentically as a nurse, because it was the right thing to do for me at the time. I had said when I was about 19 that I had hated the way the elderly were treated, so I became a nurse so I could do things differently. I am proud of my work record and the time I spent taking care of those who needed me the most. But now it's time for me to stop, regroup and spend some time thinking about what I want now.
My other intention is to show other women (and any men who are interested) they deserve the chance to serve themselves as well. We need to get past the idea that we must do for others and not ourselves. We have nothing to offer anybody if we are an empty vessel. My generation, more than any in history has been completely torn over what is right and what is deemed "selfish". No other time have women been expected to do it all. Even our daughters have learned from us that they have the right to be who they are with no apologies. I could spend the next 27 days thinking about how to undo the unreasonable expectations of what I grew up with, or I could just start moving in the right direction. I am choosing the latter.
It is day 3. Yesterday was not an overwhelming success or a crushing defeat. It was just OK. I did 3 things for me that I had been putting on the back burner, and I worked on my obligations for the family and house. I was neither ecstatic or moody. It was as it was.
Today I am spending some time meditating and praying. It is Sunday after all and I feel the need to acknowledge how grateful I am to my creator. I also plan to clean. If indeed cleanliness is close to Godliness, then this is how I choose to worship today. The third thing I will do is 1/2 hour of exercise in the house and a 2 mile walk outside since it is a beautiful day.
I am doing this according to the KISS theory, Keep It Simple Stupid. I don't want to over complicate what already feels like an overwhelming endeavor. Why make it harder than it has to be? This is hardly brain surgery, but it is hard to retrain an already mature brain.
So, to any of you who are trying your own experiment, reduce your expectations, keep it simple and hang on. Miracles happen when you least expect it.

Here We Go

OK, so yesterday didn't work out like I planned. "The best laid plans..." I realized then, as I realize now that I can either go with the flow or buck the system and end having a melt down. Yesterday, I started with the melt down first. Hey, I am only human and have the tendency to do what comes naturally, throw an all out temper tantrum. After I did, I took a long look at myself and realized I am my own worst enemy.
This isn't going to be easy. I am not living by myself. I am not single, living without children or pets or accountability to hearth and home. I am going to have to adapt when necessary. I can't sit around and wait for my life to begin, or acknowledge that my life is here, right now, exactly where it is. My "plans" dealt strictly with me and how I am and how I feel. I forgot to take into account the other people who are in my house and what they may be feeling. I am reactionary to their moods. I set my self up for failure. I recognize this because it is not my first time down this particular road. So it's back to the drawing board.
I used to feel the failure of a moment and blame myself for all that went wrong. Brilliant. Self recrimination is a great way to encourage change! Now, the way I want to approach this as it's no body's fault. I can't blame my family for falling into old habits. I set things up so they are dependent on me, so how can I blame them for being dependent? I can't. What I can do is see where things went awry and tweak the project. This plan of mine has to be flexible or I am going to have to take thee to a nunnery. I am no nun, so flexible it is.
I did accomplish some things. I got my flabby behind on the treadmill for the first time in 8 months. My companion, Bobo didn't have as much success. Bobo is my cha-wienie, who like his owner has packed on a few pounds and has some bad habits. He is in dire need of change, too. I tried to get him to walk with me on the treadmill, but he freaked out and had his melt down much earlier in the day than I did. He also requires a plan B. I will attempt to get him back on the horse, so to speak until he realizes that this is good for him. In the mean time, I am watching his diet like a hawk and will be walking him with the other dogs when the weather is on our side.
I became very aware yesterday that quitting would be so much easier. I don't owe anybody anything, right? Wrong!!!!! I owe me a better state of mind than I have now. I owe myself the chance to be the person I was born to be. I tell my kids they can be exactly the person they were meant to be, but when it comes to myself I see me as being unworthy of having the life I thought I would have when I was still young enough to dream. Why is it that we are so willing to throw away any opportunity for more when we get older? Why is so much easier to stop dreaming after the age of 25? I know life experience teaches us that adversity will stop you in you tracks when you have made plans. It's no small matter being up against the wall. But I also know that the very adversity that causes us to feel paralyzed in one moment, can be the very thing that helps us through another somewhere down the road.
I woke up today. So? Don't be so cynical, sometimes waking up is the best thing that will happen all day. It beats the alternative. I have the chance to try again today to do more, be better and feel happy that I got the chance to even try. My lesson yesterday was that I have been too hard on me about not achieving every goal I have set. Being goal oriented, I set myself to fail , so I then can beat myself up for the rest of the day about how undeserving I am. And that my friends, is just plain stupid. Today isn't about my end point in this. It's about the place where I can have a new beginning every day. This is more about me not giving up on me than it is about whether or not I lose some weight, meditate more or have the time to finish reading a book I have owned for 10 years.
I have my list of the things I need to try and accomplish. Chances are better than not I will not get everything done. I gave myself an attitude adjustment, so in this case if I don't get the gold star for succeeding at everything, I do get the medal of courage for taking the opportunity to try. Did I learn something about myself yesterday? Yes, I learned that just because I want something now, doesn't mean I can have it, but the great thing is I gave myself permission to want it in the first place and for me that is real change. Part of this process is for me to be able to learn new things, so in that case I am a whopping success. But like my dog Bobo, I am reticent to change, even if it is what is best for me.
Today is a new beginning. Instead of spending my time feeling bad about what I cannot change, like yesterday's failures, and be happy that I get the chance to give it another shot. I don't really give a crap how many days it took Rome to get off the ground. This is about me and whether or not it takes a week , a month or ten years, I am finally getting the hang of the idea that I am worth the wait.

Me,Me,Me For the Next 30 Days

Today is the first day of my plan to be different. I have been a mom now for 23 years. I have loved it, but the truth is between husbands and kids, houses and pets and every other sundry thing I have been left out in the cold.
I am the one guilty of not taking care of me. I have ignored myself for far too long and need to up my game. I am going to be a little self involved. For 30 days I am going to work on my spiritual life, physical life, intellectual life and my emotional life. Every day for the next 30 days I am going to do things for me.
My family can take care of themselves for 30 days for Pete's sake.
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. If you're a wife and mother you know that is ridiculous! But the truth is they can handle things better than I had originally thought, so I really can take the opportunity to let them do things that have been traditionally my jobs just because...

Today I start walking again. During the renovation I would do all kinds of physical work on the house and fall down exhausted into bed. Manual labor is not exercise. I feel stagnant and I have gained weight. I didn't gain tons, but it makes feel uncomfortable so it's got to go. My bigger issue is just being in shape. I have never been stunning so I am not trying to change my genetics. I just want to feel good and be able to bike ride, snow ski, roller blade etc. These are things I have always done and I don't want to lose the ability. Today I do yoga again. I had gotten out of the habit , so today is the first day to start that habit back up. I will also be using a hula hoop.
I will be meditating for 5 minutes today. I pray every morning, but sometimes I blow right past the meditating part. It gives my mind time to heal, my thoughts time to let go. I plan in the next 30 days to increase this time to 15 minutes by the end.

I plan to read more, play my trumpet and guitar and really start to sing again. I will never be the next American Idol. I don't have to be to love doing it and keep pushing myself to be better at it.

This is about being the best me. It has to be about me because I am the only one who can truly take care of me. I haven't been doing my job. If I were my own child I would be in foster care by now. It's pathetic that I let things get so far out of hand. I have the obligation to myself, my family and mostly my Creator to take care of the mind, body and spirit I have been gifted.

If you are interested in the 30 day challenge let me know. It isn't brain surgery, but it's gonna hurt like it. ;)

So that is my plan. I had originally done a video diary and I couldn't get it to work so I had to write it out. So learning how to work my camera is another thing I have to master in the next 30 days.

Precious and Lovey

I write non-fiction. OK, I write mostly non-fiction. I will admit there are times when I wax poetic or I embellish very little to the stories of my life. The facts are all there, but the descriptions and names change to protect my innocents. My innocents are my family and friends. Oddly enough, not everybody wants to be in my blogs or books. Sometimes the truth in the stories can hurt them and I NEVER want to do that. The truth at all cost is not my thing. It's not that I will lie about the facts of the story, but I will do whatever I can to protect the people I love, so they are never victimized by what I write. Not everybody wants their lives on display for all to see, judge and analyze. It is with the utmost respect for those I love that I guard their privacy and protect their hearts.
I have two girlfriends that have had for over twenty years. They are my best girlfriends. When I was younger, much younger, I really didn't have a best girlfriend. I wanted one, but found myself unable to form that particular attachment. As a small child I had girlfriends, but once I got into high school, I found that I was much more comfortable with boys than girls. I had trust issues with women. The back story to why that is, is still unknown to me. I just didn't have the ability to tell my secrets to any one girl, who I trusted completely with my heart and soul. In college that changed. I found my female soul mates and have been with them through thick and thin. They know all my dirty laundry. They know my heart and my soul. They have born witness to my confessions of all of my transgressions as a woman growing into her own skin. They rallied around me when Danny died. They traveled many miles to be with me when I was pregnant touching my unborn children through my expanding waistline, sending them love through their flesh and mine. In turn I have tried my level best to be there for them when I could. Out of the three of us, I was the only one to have children. My children are their children. Had I passed away when I was 28 during the delivery of my last child, they would have been the female influence on my kids. They would have been the keeper of the story of us and me. I love them as family. I love all of them, for exactly who they are, at any given moment, good or bad. I do this because they offer this to me. I will refer to my female soul mates as Precious and Lovey. That is who they are to me. That is who they will always be to me. They are my heart.
I met Precious first. She was perky, pretty, popular and represented my wilder side. Precious cannot be shocked. Her non judgmental attitude toward people is reflected in her sparkling eyes. She sees no wrong, only what is right with a person, place or thing. She is living hope. Precious has this infectious laugh that draws you in. Men and women want to be as close to Precious as they can possibly get. With open arms, she allows them in, with no forethought of malice or suspicion. Precious ( a name I have given her long before any movie came into the main stream) is as beautiful outside as she is inside. I don't think she ever realized fully her effect on the opposite sex. She, having wide eyes and smiling lips, was merely being her happy self. She is not one dimensional, as she is described here. She has faced her own demons, lived her own darkness, had her own stories of horror and heartbreak. She and I have spent hours on the phone laughing and crying at each others current fates.
Precious, Lovey and I share a love story of sisterhood. Precious and Lovey didn't know each other,except through me, but have over the years grown to guard the others heart when it looked as though it needed it. Lovey went through a time when she was isolated from us. She had hid from me and those who loved her because she thought of herself as unlovable. Precious and I would talk as I would cry because I missed my Lovey so very much.
"Give her time to come out of hiding. You know she loves you, right?" Precious would gently guide me back out of my selfishness. "Yes, but I want her back. I miss her and I need her." I cried as if I were abandoned child. "She will come back. Give her the love and time she deserves to figure this out. Can you do that for her? Would you do that for me?" Of coarse I would do that. I would give them body parts if they needed it. Eventually, Lovey did come out of hiding. I got her back and then some. Precious had held my hand, helping me be strong enough to wait it out. When we got Lovey back, I called Precious and told the joyous news. She and I danced together on the phone as I regaled the long journey of our Lovey and how well she was doing now.
Recently, I have had news from Precious that she is sick. Not just any kind of sick, but cancer sick. She has breast cancer. When she first told me, I froze. I became paralyzed at the notion that she had cancer. My personal experience with cancer is everybody I knew who had it died. I tried to sound upbeat when I spoke to her. I tried to feign optimism but feared she would hear the fatalism in my voice. In my family, cancer=death. Precious had a lumpectomy, went through chemo-therapy and was doing well. She had spent months being tired, weak and unable to fully engage in a conversation. I prayed for my Precious. I spent hours on my knees begging for her life to be spared. I was terrified of getting the same answer I had gotten with Danny, but much to my surprise things were going well. Precious healed and went back to work, socializing and life. The last we spoke on the phone, we declared our everlasting love for each other. Our bond has outlasted both of our first marriages, the raising of the 4 kids, funerals, sickness and weddings.
Precious is once again ill. She is religious about her check ups. The results of this past one were more spots and one in particular was invasive. She will have radical surgery in a few weeks. She sent me an email with vague information and ended it with "everything will be fine". That is her way of getting me not to panic. I will be strong for Precious, because it's the least thing I can do. I will hold vigil for her in my prayers until she is completely healed. I will spend my meditation time seeing her in my mind's eye healthy, happy and dancing. I will squash my pessimism and I will call Lovey and cry. I will sob gut wrenching tears, drenching my phone allowing all my fear, panic and heartbreak to escape in my other safe place, the strong arms of Lovey. Lovey will cradle my heart and remind me that all things have a reason, even the things we don't want, or think we cannot bare. Lovey will console me, guide me and love as she has done every day I have known her.
We are sisters, these women and I. We share something more binding than blood or heritage. We share each others hearts. It is remarkable that I have been so blessed to have not one, but two such close dear friends whom I have shared my entire adult life with. Even Oprah only has Gail. As I write this I begin to feel better. I feel more hopeful than I did when I first heard the news. My fear is sliding further away from me and I feel the internal warmth of my friends arms around my heart. That's the thing about friends, they can be miles and miles apart and we can still feel the love, as if they were right here with us, holding our hands. My only priority is to make sure Precious and Lovey feel the love they have from me.

Celebrate Good Times, C'mon!

I was talking to my daughter yesterday about how she and I are having a life moment together. We are both about to experience a once in a lifetime freedom at the same time. She is just starting out in her life and soon will be able to travel, live anywhere in the world she wants and discover new adventures for herself. I am about watch the graduation my last child and will have the exact same opportunity as my eldest child, to do and be anything I want.
When Danny died I was constantly reminded that the safety of my children hinged on my personal safety. I couldn't sky dive, swim in treacherous water, or do anything dangerous because I was the last remaining parent. I wouldn't want my kids to be orphans, would I? It has sat firmly on my shoulders for all of these years. I had thought, back when I first lost Danny, that when I turned forty seven I would be able to regain some of my freedom. My kids would be raised and I would have the opportunity to travel, see things, do things I had always wanted to do without the voice of doom ringing in my ears. Back then I wondered if we would all would survive the trek to the magical 47th birthday. This year on Mother's day I will turn 47 and a few weeks later Betty will graduate from high school. Michael and I will be letting out a collective sigh of relief.
I am excited at the prospect of being different. I tell my kids all the time if you want to be different, then be different. I was happy to see the janitor from Scrubs repeat the same thing on an episode and validate my hypothesis. Change is hard, I think we all know that, but it's hardly impossible. It will take some work on my part to start this chapter of my life and be a different version of me, hopefully a better version of my existing self. I am totally up for the challenge. I am currently conducting a little psychological and physical experiment for myself. I am allowing myself to morph into something I have never been before. I am allowing myself a little selfishness. I am putting my needs ahead of others for the first time in my life. As a nurse, I was a caretaker of the elderly, the terminally ill, the weakest and most feeble of mankind. I bathed them, fed them and looked after every aspect of their daily life and well being. As a mother, I did the same thing. I never questioned why I should, I only looked at each day as what was necessary for everyone's survival, except mine. My daughter, as the eldest child, has had much the same thought process as a care taker. Most eldest children take on the responsibility of their younger, less experienced siblings. She has taken care of her friends while she has been in college. I am trying to get her to see that we sent off to college to eliminate some of her responsibilities and she needs to be a little selfish now, before she gets married and has kids of her own. I want her to celebrate her independence and her ability to go anywhere she wants, be anything she wants, do anything she wants. She is going to blink and this will all be over and she will have to wait another twenty five years before the opportunity presents itself again. I mean no disrespect to motherhood, or being a wife. I wouldn't trade my life and all of it's chaos for anything, but I see very clearly how important it is to take advantage of any opportunity I have to celebrate just me. Having lived the other side of the coin, I have no regrets, but I do not want to miss out on spending time living exactly as I have always wanted to. I don't want her to miss that either.
While talking to my eldest child, my voice rose in excitement about what all we were going to be able to do. I spoke to her about traveling together to Europe and seeing incredible sights, drinking wine and appreciating great art, and dark haired, mysterious men. I spoke to her about all the things she could do on her own. I told her of my plan to do some things on my own , as well. I squealed and giggled with my child as we enjoyed my sometimes overly enthusiastic plans for our futures.
I am not privileged in any conventional sense. My privilege has always come from the friends I have made, the family I so dearly love and the pets who cuddle my feet. I have had to work long, hard hours for very little money, so creature comforts has not been my privilege. Do I wish the past different? I used to. I used to sigh and wish things had been easier for me. I sometimes regretted my decisions and wished I had been smarter, more open, less naive, and more savvy. Recently, part of my metamorphosis has been about letting go of any regret. Failure produces knowledge. Whether we are smart enough to learn the lessons are quite another thing, but the absolute byproduct of having tried something and failing miserably is knowledge. Surely, by now, I must be a genius.
This is a year to celebrate for me. It really should be a year to celebrate for everybody. If you got up this morning and drew breath, then trust me, you are having a good day. If your limbs still work and your mind can focus, mine starts right after the coffee hits my stomach, then you are having a great day. If you have people in your life that love and care about you, then your life is made!