Dear Kellie

Dear Kellie
I lied to my boyfriend and told him I was pregnant in order to trap him into marriage. After we married I faked a miscarriage by pretending to fall down the stairs. He now wants a divorce. What can I do to keep him and prove t...o him that I really do love him?

Miserable in Massachusetts

PS love your column!!!


Dear Miserable,
It is unfortunate that while you say you love your boyfriend, you have chosen to live a lie instead of just being yourself. I believe real love takes the courage to be yourself, investing your very precious time in being honest, kind and understanding of both of your needs. By lying to him, you have shown him that immaturity, deceit, and selfishness are the primary personality traits that you own and offer.
The only way to show him that you truly love him now, is to tell him the truth and let him go if necessary. You need to do the work and grow up before you can offer anyone anything in this life. He will never "complete you"; you need to be whole when you enter an adult relationship. 1+1=2, not 1. Tell him the truth, he deserves better from you. If he still wants out, then give him the divorce. This is the exact instance when "It is better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all."
Telling him the truth will show him that you have changed, grown and are owning up to your mistakes. That is the only way you can even try and begin to have a relationship with someone of any substance and meaning.
I wish you luck. This may very well be the hardest thing you have to do in your life time, but it also may be the best thing that could happen since it will help you to grow and be the person you were born to be. Live in truth and love and one day it will all come back to you.
Read the advice below, too. You have the opportunity to become the person of your dreams.






Dear Kellie,
Hypothetically speaking, what would your advice be to a 46 year old, moderately attractive and modestly intelligent woman who just can't seem to bring herself to go out there and find a social life? How does one find self confidence, and silence (or at least turn down the volume) on all that negative chatter in her head? Am I, er is she, destined to live out her life alone for fear of rejection?
Sincerely,
Future Spinster in NJ


Dear Future,
My heart really goes out to you. Pushing through old insecurities can be extremely difficult, but necessary to insure our happiness.

First things first, work on loving who you are, your talents, your special-ness, what makes you completely unique. Write down all the things that make you wonderfully different than anyone else you have ever met.List talents, quirks, anything that others find lovable about you. If you get stuck, call a friend or family member for help. I am sure they will be more than happy to tell you all the things they love about you.

Next, list all the things you love to do. Do you like the outdoors, camping, hiking, boating, that sort of thing, or maybe you like the theater, music, singing. Do you bike ride, jog, needle point, sew, write letters, read? Whatever makes you happy write it down.

The above is a way to take the time to get to know you.
If you could have any life available to you, what would it look like? Skip the relationship part for now and focus in on what you want. Describe on paper exactly what your "perfect life" would look like.
Let the last section of this describe what you want in a mate, if that truly is what you are looking for in order for your "perfect life" to be perfect.
Fold a piece of paper in half and list all the qualities on one side you would like your mate to have. On the other side list all the deal breakers, the things you are fairly certain you could not handle. Be specific about what you want and don't want. Remember, the devil is in the details. Keep the list with you, so when you start to go out, you have a constant reference. I did this and it kept me from staying in relationships too long, just because I was forever trying to be polite and nice.

O.K., once you have finished your homework, find a single activity you want to do and schedule it. It doesn't have to be something drastic. Dip your toe into the social scene, allowing yourself the time to strengthen your new resolve that you are fun, talented and worth spending time with. If you read, join a book club, if you sing, join a choir, if you bike ride, go online to see if there are rides scheduled near you (this may take some training on your part, but the endorphins will help you feel happier). Volunteer in a literacy program, helping kids. Find a single activity that you can do now. Make it a priority; make you a priority. Take care of you as if you were taking care of your best friend. Just don't let you off the hook from following through. If necessary, call a friend and tell them what day and time your new social activity is on. Ask them to call you the day before and "remind" you to go.

I realize how terrifying it can be to go out, especially if you have isolated yourself. Know this, everybody feels those insecurities on some level. You are not alone in this, however, it is damaging to be ruled by them.
You determine your worth.Isn't that wonderful? You get to decide who you are and what your life looks like.There is real power in this. By getting to truly know you as a person, with a beating heart and beautiful mind, you have the opportunity to design your life as you see fit.

My experience is, if we engage ourselves with other people, they tend to bring out the best in us. I think this happens because most folks will see the good in us, that we are blinded to. By joining one group, or participating in one activity, this generally lends itself to expanding your circle and will continue to grow as long as you allow.

The joy of seeing the world, meeting new people is waiting for you to come out of hiding. Come on in, the water is fine.
Good luck and know you can do this.