Thursday, December 31, 2009

After Midnight


Today is the last day of 2009. Being New Year's Eve, it is my personal tradition to look back and ponder about the last year of my life and see how far I have come. This year it is my great pleasure to do so. I am miles ahead of where I started on January 1, 2009.
This past year, so much has happened for my family, my friends and myself. Of course, publishing my book has been the greatest professional thing I have done in a very long while. It is also one of the most personal fulfilling things I have ever done. Not so much because I spewed out horrible family secrets that may have allowed me to unburden myself, as much as I hoped to inspire people to hang on during difficult times. It was, and is, my way of giving hope and extending my hand out to those who feel alone. My book is an extension of me. My writing is personal and connected directly to my heart, which is the exact reason I am a non-fiction writer. Don't get me wrong, I love fiction and have spent many evenings curled up with a favorite writer, allowing myself the opportunity of escape. It is as much a guilty pleasure for me as chocolate. And this girl loves her chocolate! I write, the way I talk and think. I believe my purpose is to not preach, but gently remind folks that we are in this together. I believe in the humanity of man. I believe that good will always conquer evil, in the end. I believe that if you live long enough you will see real evil and debauchery, but you will witness far more miracles than treachery, experience far more love than hate, as long as you remind yourself to keep your hand open and unclench your fist.
This year has been a year of change for us. It has been incredible in some ways and extremely heart breaking in others. The ground forever shifting beneath our feet, we have had times of great difficulties keeping our footing and standing tall, readying ourselves for the next step.
I have lost two really amazing men in my life, who had tremendous influence on who I would become and the path I would take as an adult. As my tears fell, I couldn't help but feel deep and lasting gratitude for having them in my life at all. It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. This year's "aha" moment for me was realizing what that small, contrite saying actually meant. Their words and imprint will live on as long as the people they touched draw breath and then on in the generations to come. For me, they will live on forever.
Last summer I was hurt terribly by some people who are supposed to be in my inner circle. I was crushed at first, but in time I have realized to appreciate those who do tuly love me even more. For me that was the lesson-to appreciate all the love and support that has come my way for no other reason than out of sheer generosity. Instead of feeling my heart ball up and protect itself, I found myself opening up, one petal at a time, blooming fully in the presence of those who have extended their open hands to me when I needed them the most.
I watched my beloved dachshund become a paralyzed. I sobbed at the idea of having him "put down" due to his injury. One friend led us to a place where we were able to save our precious pup's life and he is fully recovered against all odds. Seeing him bound through the yard, run with the other dogs and walk the trails near our home is a daily miracle that takes my breath away.
My book gave me back my hometown friends I have missed so very much. There is something really incredible about growing up with folks in a small town. Although the population might be small, the love and support from them has been larger than life. My re-connection with my life long friends has been nothing short of amazing. Again, awestruck, I sit and wonder at all the love that we share on a "social networking" site, and how we all try and protect, defend and take care of each other.
I have watched some of my children fail hard and learn to come back form it, working that much harder and appreciating things that much more. Big life lessons don't come cheap or easy, but once learned, begin to show the pure brilliance of the gem hidden away inside. I have watched all of my kids, mine and those I take on as my own, become beautiful men and women; those deserving of respect, being honorable and leading their generation and our future to a better place.
I have experienced a deeper love for my darling Michael. We have fought more this year than any other in our history due to growing pains on both sides, but never with malicious intent or undue pain. We have learned what it is to have a fair fight and still love, not as much, but more. To respect not as before, but with a renewed vigor. We have a right to be angry at times. We have a right to be scared of the future, a right to question unfairness and the lack of justice. It is at the end of the day we look to each other and know that together there is nothing we can't accomplish. There is no hurdle too high, no difficulty too great that we can't over come by just being together and doing our best for ourselves and each other. In the spirit of love, all things are possible.
Tonight when we put the year 2009 to rest, I feel luckyand blessed to have been around to see it to it's end. I look forward to the new year with such hope. Maybe I am a naive dreamer, but I have glimpsed the life of cynicism and I have no want for it. I never want to feel so jaded that my heart closes it's door, bolted tight away from the possibility of feeling every minute in the years to come. Whatever the future has in store for my family and me, the one thing I am absolutely sure of, is my need to feel fully present, engaged and feel every inch of it.
This has been quite a year. I have been awestruck by how fortunate I am to have friends, family and knowledge that when I tally the year end results, it just gets better and better and better.
Happy New Year! May the year 2010 bring you more joy than heart can hold, more prosperity than your hands can share and more love than you ever felt possible!

Saturday, December 26, 2009

I Was Blind Sided By My Wonderful Life

"It's a Wonderful Life" is my all time favorite movie. I watch it every Christmas because I seem to need reminding every year of how very fortunate I am. And every year, I feel the warm gratitude of knowing I am loved and I am so blessed to love others deeply. I feel as if George Bailey and I are very similar in many, many ways.
The house bought for the children and I after my divorce from their father was an old 1923 bungalow that needed overhauling from top to bottom. The paint was peeling, the cabinets were original, the furnace creaked and moaned and the garage leaked. The kitchen looked as if it hadn't been touched in 35 years and the wooden floors were worn and dull. It had two porches and they were both in dire need of repair. What it did have was a decent roof for over our heads, a fireplace to warm us and my feeling of hope and home. I called it the Bailey house for obvious reasons. It even had a finial on the banister that would come off in your hands as you climbed the steps of the porch of the kitchen. I loved that house because I was able to buy it for my kids and me, so we had a soft place to fall. For all it was not, what it contained was everything I loved to my core and held precious to my heart, so for that it was the best house in the world.
Last night we went out to see a movie for the first time on Christmas day. Going to the movies was never something I thought I would ever do, but this Christmas half of my children were stranded out of town because of work, and every tradition we normally held seemed doomed by circumstance. I saw Christmas start to slide downhill for my family because the sadness of what we didn't have seemed so much bigger than the joy of what we did. I felt that if I didn't do something fairly quickly, all would be lost for this holiday, and I hated to see Christmas be reduced to another day in our lives as if nothing special had happened.
Christmas Eve we had all tried to do our usual routine, except this time we opened all the gifts. Watching "It's a Wonderful Life " together went off without a hitch. The fire roared in the fireplace, the Christmas tree and all the other lights I scattered around the house were lit and twinkling. After the movie we opened the few gifts we had and something felt terribly wrong. Things didn't fit, were the wrong color or were just plain wrong. Tom gave Mike and I a tent for future camping trips together and that fit like a glove, but the other stuff, well, you could feel that something was off.
Christmas morning there were no gifts to open and everybody woke, had their coffee and laid around for the bulk of the day. It was if no one knew what to do. Being broken in half had us feeling lost. I had defrosted a ham for Christmas dinner, and my youngest told me she was having difficulty eating pork these days. I didn't want to fight and I wanted her to know she was allowed to have her own opinions, so I had to come up with an alternative for her to eat. The plan for our traditional meal went out the window and I ended up making ham and green beans with spaghetti for Betty. We filled our plates with the odd combination and sat around the table. Mike nicknamed the meal "spamghetti" and made us laugh. I had decided to let go of the restrictive traditions that didn't seem to work for us and try and be more flexible. We laughed and took pictures and made jokes and laughed some more.
Since we were ditching most of the traditions anyway , we decided to get out of the house and go see a movie. We went to see "Blind Side". The theatre was packed to the gills to see the latest release. Our little theatre showing the movie had some, but not a lot of people in it. We sat together and watched, laughed sometimes, got choked up sometimes and felt like there really is hope for the world yet. It made me think about the kids I have "adopted" in the last few years. It made me think of one boy in particular. He recently graduated from college with his teaching degree. I love him as if he were my very own son. He has parents. He loves his parents very much. They do all they can for him. I merely fill in the gaps when I can. This young man had to claw his way through college. He worked all the time, missing holidays, and breaks. He had a bed with no comforter on it, in freezing weather. I bought the bedding. It was just me filling in the gaps. Oh, and just to clarify, when I say me, I mean me and Michael. I am so very proud of our "adopted" son. I love him deeply and squeeze him every chance I get. I scold him via telephone or email if I hear he is not doing what I feel is in his best interest. I offer my love and advice and counsel to this young man, whom we have grown to treat as family. He still works multiple jobs, as does the rest of my family. We are all doing the best we can with what we have.
Somewhere between the two movies I have seen this holiday season, lies my family. They are made up of every race, creed, gender and personality type. They look just like me and nothing like me (this includes my birth children, as well). If the quote " I think therefore I am" is true then surely "I love therefore I am blessed" should follow. This Christmas fell way short of any expectations I had at the beginning of this year for what it would look like. We were supposed to be able to go back home to Ohio this year because Mike had vacation. We were supposed to be able to take all our birth kids with us. We were supposed to be all together, happy, surrounded by friends and family and snow. None of what I had planned came to fruition, however the unexpected gratified feeling of knowing how loved you are, and how much you love others...well, it's no vacation, but it has been the best present I have had in years.

Monday, December 21, 2009

Be a Moment of Light

This blog is dedicated to Sarah. Her light now washes over all of us and helps keep the dark at bay.
I am enclosing the link to my book in this blog because besides being self serving I want today to be about a subject very near and dear to my heart. http://www.amazon.com/Advancing-Backward-Kellie-L-Ketcham/dp/1439234175/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1261390455&sr=1-1

Two short years ago my beloved youngest child attempted suicide. The chapter in my book that speaks of it is called, "Fifteen Seconds Changes Your Life". The fifteen second rule , as I call it at home, is about the time it took for her to give in, the time it took for me to get her down, the time it took for her to find out she had a mental illness and the time it took for her to actively decide to not be a victim to the disease that was holding her emotions hostage. In the chapter I tell the story of what happened to my family and how we were lucky enough to all live through it. Truth be told, many battle their illness valiantly only to find themselves lost in the darkness unable to see any light. The results of this are often times catastrophic, for both them and their families who remain wracked with the feelings of guilt, wondering what more they could have done. The answer to that of course, is nothing. Families love hard those who need them the most.

Christmas time for the mentally ill can be a dangerous time. This is the time of year when problems get magnified, faults seem to loom large and accomplishments or failures are tallied up at year's end. The sum total can send anyone not in a good place to a darkened abyss, but for the mentally ill, it becomes even more treacherous.

My child has bipolar disorder. She can go from euphoria to falling deep into a depression. She is active in her diagnosis. She is not afraid to talk about it. She has been blessed with the ability to not feel shame towards her own mind, but many do not have that gift, and have been taught to feel badly for feeling so badly. Mental illness has a giant stigma attached to it and , God help you if you decide to tell anyone about it who may use it one day as a weapon. My child has experienced the cruelty of others mocking something she has absolutely no control over. I will say, that she does not take it laying down. She is as strong as a bull and just as stubborn, when it comes to defending herself against prejudice and defending others, as well. Bless her heart, she is tough as nails and uses her incredible strength to help others up after falling or being knocked down.

I ask that we all take a moment and remember those who have a mental illness. A single act of kindness can change and even save a life. Not all will be saved. For now, it is the way of it. The course of researching the end of any disease takes time and this is no different. Researchers and doctors strive every day to find the answers we are all looking for. But for now, if every person did one thing, we would surely change the world and the perception of our mentally ill. Every brain is different. Every body unique to it's owner. This world has so much magic in it because we are so different and special. The world is full of brilliant art by those who had mental illness and were able, because of it, to think outside the box.

Reach out and spread joy this season to every person you meet. You never know the depth of your effect on any given day. Fifteen seconds does change lives. A smile, a touch, an acknowledgement, a gesture of respect, all of these leave our marks on people we have met. I ask that during this season that we all take the time to look into the eyes of the people we encounter and really see them. Be a moment of light in some one's life. We aren't always aware of those who feel enclosed in the darkness. When you leave your mark, let it be in the shape of a heart.

Friday, December 18, 2009

The Gift That Keeps On Giving


I have preached to my children the quote from scripture, "When I was a child, I thought as a child, but when I became a man I put away those childish things."
For the most part I have put away those childish things, but when it comes to the holidays, I am able in a moments notice reach back into the abyss that is my mind, now, and pull out my child like wonder. It is the gift I give myself every Christmas.
This year because of the economy and my lack of steady employment, we will not be buying any gifts except for our youngest child. The older kids got together and came to the agreement that since she is a senior and the last one still under age that any money spent should be on her. That was the gift my older kids gave to Mike and me, was their maturity and generosity and ability to see that the bigger gift we receive is often in the giving.
Michael decorated the outside of our home with Christmas lights and meticulously made sure that the timer was set and all was bright, so that I could enjoy them. That was his gift to me. He knows how much I love Christmas and the twinkling lights the glitter like the snow I miss so much. He drives me around once a week to see different neighborhoods and allow me to sit back relax and sink deep into my contentment.
I speak to my parents often. Although this year they could not come to Texas, I am able to dial their number and within seconds hear their laugh and talk for hours if that is what we wish to do. I miss them so very much this year, but the gift of their love and understanding is something I have gotten everyday this season.
My house looks exactly like I had always dreamed it could at this time of year. For no money, I reinvented many of our decorations and am able to get up every morning and just look at them, so happy and filled to the brim with joy. Even as the time draws nearer for us to display the "For Sale" sign, I can't help being happy I got this time with our house.
I am blessed beyond words, thoughts, or feelings. Things did not turn out at all what I had originally planned for this holiday season. No parents visiting, no kids coming home, no presents under the tree, all non-existent except the feeling of how lucky I am to love people so much that when I can't see them it makes my heart ache. The tiniest things I may have over looked in recent years have bubbled to the surface in order for me to feel the kind of peace that other spend their lives looking for.
The gifts I have already gotten this holiday season reassure, my sometimes weary, soul that all is far from lost. Sometimes the greatest gifts are the ones we don't even know we want.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

What's It All About Elfie?


Years ago when the kids were still small, it was Christmas time at our house and we were running a day late and dollar short, again. Their father had passed away and once again I was groveling in my prayers for more time, more money and the ability to do five things at once. I kept asking for octopus arms. Of course, now I feel God really had my back on that one, but at the time I felt unheard. I kept thinking that not only would the eight arms help me at work as well as home, but I could work the circus route on weekends for extra cash. In the end, I am glad to not have to worry about special made clothes or those weird times when your arms fall asleep. Eight times the prickly tingling would kill me, I think.
This one particular year, I was way behind decorating the house, missed St. Nicholas day completely and had to make up some crazy reason as why he had missed only our house in a thirty block radius and of course I was working doubles to try and pay for our life as we knew it. I think back now about how important sleep became, because I never got any. I averaged about four hours a night. I was dead dog tired all the time. I would have given up the appendage of any one's choice if they could have given me only an hour nap. I loved hearing about and coveted other's sleep. I was so jealous back then of anybody who got to go to bed and stay there for eight hours. I couldn't wrap my brain around that concept.
I had gotten home from work and the kids asked me if I were going to drag the Christmas stuff out and decorate the house. "At least put up the tree, Mommy," the kids pleaded.
"I will, as soon as I can tonight. I promise." I looked down at the little angelic faces who so depended on me to keep their world in the upright and locked position.
That night I gave them baths, helped them brush their teeth, said prayers with them and tucked them in, all warm and fresh and cozy. I proceeded to go to the living room and lay down on the couch to just relax for a few minutes before dragging all the Christmas boxes from the closet upstairs. I was off of work the next day and just wanted to close my eyes for a minute. The house was quiet except the low drone of the TV in the background. I let out a deep sigh and allowed my body to let go, if only for a moment. The next time I opened my eyes it was morning and I was surprised by the sounds of my gasping children. "Mommy, wake up! Did you do this, it's all so beautiful!" I rubbed my weary and swollen eyes and looked around the room. Every inch was decorated with bows, greenery, stockings and our Christmas tree filled to the brim with family ornaments. "I looked at the kids and asked,"Did you guys do this?" They looked shocked at the question. Danny was the first to speak up,"We didn't do any of this. We thought you did." "No," I answered, "I'm sorry but I fell asleep as soon as I hit the couch." The kids all looked around for signs of the Christmas intruder who had broken into our house and decorated our home top to bottom. "Mommy, who would do this?" I surveyed all the workmanship, the attention to detail and the careful way everything was placed just so. I had one and only one idea of who it could be. "I am not sure and don't want to say until you tell me who you think it was." The kids looked at each other's faces and then back at me and said almost in complete unison, "Elves!" Still shocked that all of our Christmas stuff had magically made it's way out of storage and had draped itself perfectly around the rooms, I couldn't help but nod my head in agreement.
My kids were deep in the magical spell of all that is Christmas. They had a renewed sense of wonder and excitement about them, as did I. We had witnessed a miracle and we all knew this was too big to ignore. I heard one of them say, "There is no way Mama could do all this in one night. It's too much. It had to be elves or Santa. It just had to be."
Everything about that Christmas had wonder and magic in it. The lights twinkled brighter, the fire felt warmer, the hot cocoa tasted sweeter. I love Christmas and the magic it brings. I love the feel of my days as I wallow in the sounds of Christmas carols and sip hot cocoa by the fire. I love the warm, fuzzy memories I have of Christmases long ago when I was a child, and remembering the holidays with my own children when they were so tiny.
I wish for you the opportunity to sit back relax and take in the joy of the season. As memories flood your mind and family fills your home, I wish for you the deepest most gratifying feeling of peace on the earth and truly goodwill toward everybody. May the elves find your home and leave behind them the awestruck smiles of childlike wonder.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

I Still Believe!


It's Christmas time again and I am busy doing very non-Christmas-y things. It's not my usual routine, but I am doing what needs to be done. I am squeezing in my favorite movies and playing Christmas music while I work in order to keep my spirit up and in holiday fashion.
I love Christmas. I always have. It is a time of year when everyone seems nicer, more tolerant of each other, more generous and kinder all around. It's the time of year when my hopefulness reaches it's year long high, the kind of high that drug addicts search their whole life for and all I have to do is hum a Christmas carol.
I have spent my entire life watching this season and being completely and utterly awestruck by the miracles that happen everyday, often times without a single other soul noticing. In a time when there are so many people searching for fame and fortune often times at their own peril, I see so many folks do the most miraculous things without so much as a thank you all season long.
I still believe in Christmas miracles. I still believe in the spirit of Santa and giving of our hearts and minds and strength to those who have so much less, even when we ourselves don't seem to have a whole lot. I have watched my family witness miracles of faith, miracles of money and miracles of kindness.
Every year I pray for a Christmas miracle. Every year I am fortunate to witness one, even if it is not anything I requested or sought for myself or my family. In that solitary moment, I realize how very lucky I am to have seen something so amazing, so wonderful come true.
I am once again asking for my Christmas miracle. I do ask for gifts for my family and for myself. I do ask for "things". I think it's always OK to ask. I do not aways get what I ask for. Sometimes I get nothing at all, and that is OK, too. I consider it, asked and answered. If I see that my Christmas miracle isn't about me, then I really begin watching all around me to see what it is that I am being shown. The truly glorious part of the season for me is the not knowing where and how the miracle will come. I get as anxious as a child on Christmas Eve. I feel those giddy, warm, bright feelings of hopefulness that anything can happen if I just believe. I feel exactly like I did when I was five years old and believed mind, body and soul that Santa was riding to my house in his sleigh bringing me presents wrapped in beautiful, shiny paper with a perfectly appointed bow. He would fill the bottom of our tree with presents for everybody and give them just what they asked for. Santa would magically do in a single moment what we as a family wanted the most, being all together.
I have friends and family that have stopped believing. I see the vacancy in their eyes and the cynicism that has made it's mark in wrinkles on their brow. I pray for them the hardest. I pray to forgo my own Christmas wishes if need be, so that they can see for a brief moment that hope and miracles are still very much alive and with us.
This season as I make my wish list and begin my vigil of looking for this year's miracle, I wish you all a happy holiday season, filled with wonderful unexpected surprises, the deep love of your family, warm hugs from dear friends, delicious food that sweeps you back to the days of being as innocent as a child, and most of all to witness your own Christmas miracle. They are all out there, if you only just believe!