Dear Kellie

Dear Kellie
Our family recently experienced the suicide of a young nephew. (25 years old) His parents aren't answering the phone and only want to receive email. The family is scattered across the country, we can't go to the memorial service. How can we help our family cope with this loss when they are more or less holding themselves incommunicado?
BH, Colorado

Dear BH,
My heart really goes out to you and your family for your tragic loss of your beloved nephew.
I have children of my own, having a situation where one of my kids tried to take their own life. I am one of a very lucky parents who was able to get there in time. Most times, I'm afraid, that is not the case. Your family, felt the need to close the blinds and roll up the sidewalks until they have a chance to catch their breath and take the time to grieve. I respect that. It makes it difficult for those who love them so much to try and help, but there are ways to stay in contact while respecting their privacy.
The survivors left behind from suicide face different circumstances than those of even tragic accidents. In their minds, the death of their loved one was 100% preventable. The truth is, when someone is in the very dark place of wanting to take their own life, there is no rational thought pattern. Mental illness, such as depression has altered that person's perception to the point they no longer see any light in their life. For them, often times, they view it as a mercy killing. It is heartbreaking to think of a family member so devastated, so depressed, they cannot see how loved and valued they are. They cannot see a future with hope.
The hopelessness of the victim, often causes the immediate family to feel as if they have failed that person. They may have survivors guilt. They not only feel the loss of the person they loved so very much, but the responsibility for not being able to stop the death.
I think it is imperative that you maintain contact via e-mail for now, letting them know they are loved and held close in your heart. Let them know you will allow them as much time as they need, and the moment they open up the blinds again, you will be there. For now, send cards, letters, and emails reminding them how loved they are. Do little, thoughtful gestures for the upcoming holidays, so they are reminded to live again. Time is the hero and villain in this situation; it allows for healing and distances them from their son. It truly is a double edged sword.
Be patient, they will come out of hiding, but for now, I believe, they feel the need to hole up and keep the world at bay.
By consistently sending cards, e-mails, and letters, you are respecting their wishes, while letting them know they have but to ask and you will do whatever you can. That in of itself will be priceless for them.
Hope this helps. My best to you and yours!








Dear Kellie,
I have been very impressed by your wisdom,compassion and sense of humor.Why do you think so many Americans do not get that struggling to make it/ stay afloat is exactly what our parents did every day. It seems many people believe that (want to) is sufficient qualification for high end living. Sadly Confused.
Br Az


Dear Br,
We all learn at some point in our life that there are consequences for everything we do, or don't do in some cases. The current economy took innocent people with it, but it also caught up with the folks who lived beyond their means for a very long time. I believe this is a time for learning in this country. Americans are more active in the current election than ever in my lifetime. I find that exciting. Democracy is alive and well and the American people are MOSTLY generous, intelligent and compassionate. The few fringe folks out there get the most buzz, so that is who we see in the media. Most of us are hard working people, doing good, because it is right, not because of any pay off in the end.
Maya Angelou has a quote I dearly love, "When you know better, you do better." I think most of us are doing better everyday. Most of us are learning from mistakes we and others have made and are choosing to do better to insure our future.
It would be an incredible world if we all learned at the same pace and were able to always work together. I believe that it is referred to as "Utopia".
I think for those of us who continue to work hard with ethics and patience, it is our responsibility to live by example and continually teach those who don't seem to know, that only by hard work, sacrifice and persistence is success even a remote possibility.
We, as Americans, were promised only the pursuit of happiness, not the end result. I, for one, feel grateful everyday just for the possibility that I am guaranteed true freedom with the hope of prosperity. This is what makes this country the greatest country to live in. It is the essence of what it means to be a proud American; it is a country of possibility.
Hang in there, and look to focus on the good people you know, who are doing good things. What we focus out time and attention on, only gets larger. Let's highlight the wonder of this magnificent country instead of all the negative we already know to be in existence.
Addendum: We cannot have change without dissension, and we cannot have unity without respect. I think this election season, our biggest lesson is learning, we can change and we can respectfully disagree while doing it.

Dear Kellie

Dear Kellie,
I am widowed, less than a year. We have no family in the state where we live. My husband's parents have been divorced for over 40 years. One side prepared to leave and come here on the first call when I told them it did not look good. The other side wanted to think about it.

When the results showed there was no brain activity, I contacted everyone again. I was asked if it would hurt me if they did not come. I stated no but then I found out why they did not even try. According to my spouses wishes, I had included all family members of his and mine. The ones who chose not to come, all his siblings, their families, and his Mother, did not even try because his Dad was here. There have been a couple of conversations since then but nothing to ease the pain of them making it about their feelings rather than my husband's wishes. Add to that I was told his death was at an inconvenient time for travel. None of them called for those firsts, Christmas, his birthday, anything.

With this background, here is my question - Although I do not feel I owe it to anyone to apologize, should I reach out to those who did not come for his service or should I just leave it be....forgive and move on?

Thank you Kellie for your thoughtful response.

Kind Regards,
Recently Widowed


Dear Recently Widowed,
I am so very sorry for your loss. I hope in this time you are finding your moments of peace. I fear sometimes this becomes more difficult when others behavior effects our grieving process.
Everyone grieves differently, having said that, it could be the side of the family who did not show up may have felt too vulnerable with the recent loss of their loved one to face the side who they do not have a relationship with.
As the widow, I think the mature thing would have been to put YOU first. Since that did not happen, it looks as though you have been left to be the designated adult.
My suggestion is to ask yourself a few questions- "Do I have a good relationship with these people?" "Do I want a relationship with these people?" "Are these folks making a positive addition to my life?"
If you had a good relationship before, but are struggling now, then I would say to go ahead and send them a card or letter. If you were never close to begin, then maybe it's time to let them go. As difficult as that may sound, if they are not close to you and not making any effort, then, in essence, they have already made your choice for you.
I encourage you to forgive them. We do not truly know what is in someone's heart. For those of us who want to live in love and compassion, it is best to forgive and wish people happy and peaceful. Hopefully they will come around and see that you are the remaining legacy of your husband.
I wish for you peace and happiness. Know that this time, albeit very difficult, presents the opportunity for self exploration and growth. The lessons in compassion, love and empathy are priceless. You never know when your experience will help someone in the future.

Dear Kellie

Dear Kellie,
My son was dating a girl 5 years ago and she became pregnant. Against my son's wishes she had an abortion and they broke up.

I still have feelings of anger, resentment and grief. I now have a beautiful Grandson, but instead of making these feelings subside they seem to have gotten stronger.

I find myself thinking about what sex the baby would have been, and what it would have looked like.

My question: Is this a delayed part of the grieving process, or is it starting to take on a life of it's own and becoming an obsession?

Heartbroken in Ohio


Dear Heartbroken,
I understand your grief and you have a right to feel the deep sadness that comes from the loss you have suffered. The fact that you are worried that it is becoming too overwhelming may mean it is time to try and start to let go. I do think that we sometimes grieve when we have the comfort of the shock and tragedy behind us. Give yourself a break and allow your heart to feel the pain. If this starts to consume most of your time, then maybe it is time to seek professional help in dealing with the anger. We all have times in our life when the unfairness, when situations beyond our control, haunt us and we have to find our way out. It is important to forgive others in order to save ourselves from time wasted dwelling on what we cannot change. Time doesn’t heal all wounds, what it does is allow for perspective. When you start to feel the anger take over, my suggestion is to go and spend time with your grandson, living in the now and appreciating the ability to love, teach and cherish a child.



Dear Kellie,
My company is moving to another city, and I don't want to. Should I move and be miserable for money, or stay and be poor and possibly be happy?
Jungle Boy


Dear Jungle Boy,
Since you didn't mention the time frame, I will assume you have at least some time to consider all of your options. When I was forced to change careers I felt a deep sense of loss of self, however, I also discovered a talent for what I love to do the most and am completely fulfilled doing it.
If time allows, update your resume and spend some time thinking of what you love and hidden talents you may be able to turn into a career. This may very well be an opportunity for you to work in an area that makes you happier than your current position.
If you are concerned about benefits, retirement and money, then I suggest you talk to your other co-workers and see if anyone else is in the same position, where buying real estate in the new city is not what they intend to do. Shared housing, and commuting until you can see things more clearly may be the way to go.
I will tell you that some of the most difficult experiences allow for the largest amount of growth.
Take the time while you have it to ask yourself the big questions. What makes me happy? What is the worst thing that can happen if I commute? If retire now, what talents do I have to help me financially survive?
My biggest piece of advice is- don't panic. Think things through thoroughly and ask your company for as much information as you can to make the best decision for you.



Dear Kellie
I am confused which way that toilet paper should unroll. Some folks say under and say folks say over. I once saw at one high-priced hotel that it was under so it would unroll from underneath. I am totally confused about the correct way toilet paper should unroll from the roller. Can you clear this matter up and help me to win a bet ??

Dazed & Confused in Dixieland


Dear Dazed and Confused,
We should all be so lucky to have this as our conundrum. My advice is to put the toilet paper on the roll however makes you the most comfortable. It is these little choices we get to make, that make having our very own place simply the most marvelous of things.



Dear Kellie
I'm 16 and pregnant and my parents have kicked me out and I'm living on the street. Lately I have broken back in to my parents house and stole money from my mothers purse to feed by baby. Is what I'm doing wrong? My cousin think...s it isn't wrong but then again he threatens to tell unless I give some of the stolen money to him so he can buy crack. What do you think?

Confrused in Central Arkansaw


Dear Confused,
Of course it is wrong to steal. I understand your dire circumstances, however the situation you find yourself in is due to decisions that you and you alone have made. You made an adult decision and now you have to be an adult, ready or not. There are social programs you can pursue through school and church. There are usually shelters in every major city across the country, so if you live near Little Rock, that may be your first step. Find your nearest hospital and see the social worker on staff. They may be able to direct you to immediate help in your area.
As far as your cousin, let him tell. No one trusts a drug addict anyway, so they might not believe him. If they do, then let the chips fall where they may. Good luck.




Dear Kellie I have always had trouble asking for advice, can you help me?
CW


Dear CW,
You just did.
Congratulations you are cured!

Dear Kellie,
Why do people feel it is okay to be rude and insufferable on Social Networking pages. I am often dumbstruck by the crudity and meaness.
BR Az




Dear BR,
As great as the information highway is for learning everything under the sun and connecting with old friends, I also think it can be a very cruel and dangerous place.
Without having to allow for face to face contact I believe it deceives people into a false sense of courage to make remarks they would not make if they were in person.
It seems the internet allows for thoughtlessness and abject cruelty as a means of expression. People also forget that what goes on the internet stays on the internet indefinitely.
My suggestion is to let folks know you are not OK with any nasty or mean spirited talk on any of your social pages. You have the right to "Un-friend" anyone who makes you uncomfortable with their rhetoric.
I know from personal experience that I have to had to delete certain people in order to maintain my happy homepage.




Thanks to everyone for writing in. Keep those questions coming.

Recalling Patience and Patients

Sitting in the backyard, with dogs barking, Mike on the roof disassembling a leaky chimney, I found myself smiling at absolutely nothing. I cannot describe in prose or poetic soliloquy why I feel such contentment right now. The one thing I seem to be absolutely sure of is I don't have to know the "why"s in my current state. I just have to acknowledge it, feel grateful for it and enjoy the crap out of it. I could say my happiness is hard earned, but in truth, nothing in my life has been so bad to kill me, so I am good. Every day I draw breath I realize I have one more chance to live out my dreams. Sappy, isn't it? Yet it rings in solid truth.
I used to get so embarrassed by my sappy, emoting ways. The older I get the happier I am that I can still feel that way. I run into so much cynicism, especially as a writer. Artists never get appreciated the way they want, in some ways not unlike how a child wishes their parent would love them the way they think they need to be loved rather than the only way the parents can love them. I have a little of that, but so much of me is so happy that I have the extravagant lifestyle of someone who gets to work their dream job, I ignore the initial impulses to snivel around the house as the unappreciated.
I worked jobs, that I actually miss sometimes, with crazy hectic days, blood splattered clothing, running at breakneck speed around corners only to discover another trauma.I remember how I had to go to the basement to change my clothes before the kids touched me, covered head to toe in feces, urine and ground up food. Often times, I ran down the stairs hiding from the kids the blood soaked uniform of a really bad day.
I was young then, able to leap tall wheel chairs in a single bound. I didn't call in sick unless I was dying, even working while I myself had pneumonia. I stood for 12 hours a day, sifting through doctors orders, pharmacy deliveries and combatant patients who frequently connected with my thin frame, leaving large bruises under my baggy scrubs. I did what I had to do in order to survive. I did what I had to do in order for the patients to survive too.
A friend asked me yesterday if I missed the work. I thought for a moment and said, "Yes, sometimes I miss all the crazy that happens in the land filled with the forgotten." I told him wacky stories of my patients and the absurd things that happened on a daily basis. We laughed at the picture I drew with my words telling about folks that made me laugh at days end.
Still smiling, I realized how much life I have lived so far and still have so much farther to go. I have been so lucky that I was able to work that hard. I work just hard now, but it is different. This work suits my age, my time in life, my attitude. I walked away from nursing before I got so burned out, someone would request my exit. I promised myself I wouldn't stay beyond my expiration date. I never wanted to be that old, balled up, cynical, cranky nurse who could less about what the patients needed, let alone wanted. I left my field with job offers in Ohio on my plate. I left, so a younger, enthusiastic nurse to take my place and continue on doing good work.
Writing for me is sometimes as painful as my legs after 16 hours on the floor.My head throbs as I excise large chunks of extraneous material in order to keep the better written material. I never take this work lightly. After over 20 years of facing life and death scenarios, I don't know how to do "half-assed". Being my own boss, I have no one to gripe about or blame for any short comings, except me. Like my previous career, I have the guilt around to keep me in check.