Dear Kellie

Dear Kellie
Our family recently experienced the suicide of a young nephew. (25 years old) His parents aren't answering the phone and only want to receive email. The family is scattered across the country, we can't go to the memorial service. How can we help our family cope with this loss when they are more or less holding themselves incommunicado?
BH, Colorado

Dear BH,
My heart really goes out to you and your family for your tragic loss of your beloved nephew.
I have children of my own, having a situation where one of my kids tried to take their own life. I am one of a very lucky parents who was able to get there in time. Most times, I'm afraid, that is not the case. Your family, felt the need to close the blinds and roll up the sidewalks until they have a chance to catch their breath and take the time to grieve. I respect that. It makes it difficult for those who love them so much to try and help, but there are ways to stay in contact while respecting their privacy.
The survivors left behind from suicide face different circumstances than those of even tragic accidents. In their minds, the death of their loved one was 100% preventable. The truth is, when someone is in the very dark place of wanting to take their own life, there is no rational thought pattern. Mental illness, such as depression has altered that person's perception to the point they no longer see any light in their life. For them, often times, they view it as a mercy killing. It is heartbreaking to think of a family member so devastated, so depressed, they cannot see how loved and valued they are. They cannot see a future with hope.
The hopelessness of the victim, often causes the immediate family to feel as if they have failed that person. They may have survivors guilt. They not only feel the loss of the person they loved so very much, but the responsibility for not being able to stop the death.
I think it is imperative that you maintain contact via e-mail for now, letting them know they are loved and held close in your heart. Let them know you will allow them as much time as they need, and the moment they open up the blinds again, you will be there. For now, send cards, letters, and emails reminding them how loved they are. Do little, thoughtful gestures for the upcoming holidays, so they are reminded to live again. Time is the hero and villain in this situation; it allows for healing and distances them from their son. It truly is a double edged sword.
Be patient, they will come out of hiding, but for now, I believe, they feel the need to hole up and keep the world at bay.
By consistently sending cards, e-mails, and letters, you are respecting their wishes, while letting them know they have but to ask and you will do whatever you can. That in of itself will be priceless for them.
Hope this helps. My best to you and yours!








Dear Kellie,
I have been very impressed by your wisdom,compassion and sense of humor.Why do you think so many Americans do not get that struggling to make it/ stay afloat is exactly what our parents did every day. It seems many people believe that (want to) is sufficient qualification for high end living. Sadly Confused.
Br Az


Dear Br,
We all learn at some point in our life that there are consequences for everything we do, or don't do in some cases. The current economy took innocent people with it, but it also caught up with the folks who lived beyond their means for a very long time. I believe this is a time for learning in this country. Americans are more active in the current election than ever in my lifetime. I find that exciting. Democracy is alive and well and the American people are MOSTLY generous, intelligent and compassionate. The few fringe folks out there get the most buzz, so that is who we see in the media. Most of us are hard working people, doing good, because it is right, not because of any pay off in the end.
Maya Angelou has a quote I dearly love, "When you know better, you do better." I think most of us are doing better everyday. Most of us are learning from mistakes we and others have made and are choosing to do better to insure our future.
It would be an incredible world if we all learned at the same pace and were able to always work together. I believe that it is referred to as "Utopia".
I think for those of us who continue to work hard with ethics and patience, it is our responsibility to live by example and continually teach those who don't seem to know, that only by hard work, sacrifice and persistence is success even a remote possibility.
We, as Americans, were promised only the pursuit of happiness, not the end result. I, for one, feel grateful everyday just for the possibility that I am guaranteed true freedom with the hope of prosperity. This is what makes this country the greatest country to live in. It is the essence of what it means to be a proud American; it is a country of possibility.
Hang in there, and look to focus on the good people you know, who are doing good things. What we focus out time and attention on, only gets larger. Let's highlight the wonder of this magnificent country instead of all the negative we already know to be in existence.
Addendum: We cannot have change without dissension, and we cannot have unity without respect. I think this election season, our biggest lesson is learning, we can change and we can respectfully disagree while doing it.