Wednesday, January 2, 2013

All Bottled Up

I wish I had done something like this for 2012. I could have used the motivation to see the things that really matter instead of getting wrapped up in the barbed wired of things that ultimately do not. This year I know better, so I am planning to do better. I will turn 50 years old this year, I will be moving to Chicago this year, I will face unemployment and the difficulties that arise from moving across country this year. I will be having a very busy year. I am thinking about going back to school this year also. I am thinking about starting my own business this year, doing a Youtube channel this year, writing more this year, finishing my plays this year, learning to stay in my place of knowing rather than panic, this year. Why all this, this year? Because, why not? Why not dare to be different? Why not believe mind, body and soul things are happening for the better? Why not get rid of the cynicism, the negative speak, the self battering? Why not? I have done the extensive math about how things can go horribly wrong, but what about the numbers leaning to the other side? What about the odds that things will be utterly amazing, surprisingly delightful? I am now betting on those odds. I plan to write something joyful everyday and place it in my jar. I see things all the time that are surprising to me, or that make sit back for a minute in awe. I see things in my own backyard that are quite remarkable, so why not write them down. I have the 15 seconds that it takes to make a note and stuff it in a jar. This is going to be a big year for no other reason than the moving part of it. But beyond our stuff taking another hike, I believe to my core this is an opportunity for me. I know what I want, so now is the time to try and make it happen. What if I fail? What if all my hopes and dreams fall spectacularly apart? Don't be daft, I tell myself, failure is the only way to learn from my mistakes. Success or education are my only options now. I could play it safe and do what I know is nearly certain, or I could look at this as a chance to do something I desire, am passionate about and have wanted forever. If I try and I fail, then so be it. I failed and failed and failed, depending on your definition of failure. I am still here. I did not die from, or become incapacitated by it or even become so embarrassed that I holed up in my house never to be seen or heard form again. I got up, faced the failings of what went wrong, figured out how I could either change it or I walked away knowing it just didn't work. I currently have no earthly idea of where I am going to live, what I will be doing to make a living or how I will be spending the bulk of my time. Those are all unknowns and will be for a while. What I do know is I will be living with my husband again, I will be closer to home than I have been in nearly a decade, and I will meet interesting people, because that is as much a part of me as my eye color. I will fill my jar and drag it with me to Chicago so I can one day open my 2013 jar and read about all the magnificent things that happened this year. I will lay in Michael's arms and laugh out loud at our adventures. And I will learn from all the mistakes I will inevitably make. By this time next year I will make a new jar and begin filling it with all the wonder our future holds.