Can You See Me?

I was at a super store, where nothing was particularly "super", shopping for large clear containers to pack up all my holiday stuff. You see I am getting ready to move...again. I am an accidental house flipper. It was never my intention to flip houses, but here I am renovating another house I will not be living in. It is the way of it for me. I knew as soon as I put in that damn closet organizer in, I was on my way out. Anywho, I was at the store standing in a very long line waiting for the singular cashier to check out the hundred people who were in line before me. I had gotten there really early, knowing that this close to Christmas, there would be a wait in store. My cart wasn't loaded down with Christmas goodies like it usually is, since I have only one family member with me these days. It was loaded down with large bulky plastic containers to fill with all of my holiday crap, so it can be moved back up north. How ironic that I moved 1200 miles from my hometown, so we would be spared the long distance move for my husband's company during the impending merger, only to have to pack up and move the opposite direction. We moved to Houston as a preemptive strike in 2004. We knew the merger was coming, we never expected them to move to the north. They showed us. As I stood there, shifting my weight from one leg to the other, bored and tired, I reached down to tie my shoe. When I looked up an elderly woman cut right in front of me. Her eyes down cast avoiding my face, she showed no signs of remorse for the clear breach of store etiquette. I was faced with a choice. Either I could try and stare her down, making her feel awkward the entire time for cutting in line, or I could engage her, showing her I was a human being and not a poorly organized store display. I opted to engage her, saying hello and asking her how she was spending her holidays. I knew when I left the house I needed to be patient. I knew people were frantic and panicked over the upcoming holiday, while I just needed mundane things, since I wasn't sure how much celebrating I was actually going to do. The older, wrinkle faced woman spoke to me about her son, her grandchildren, her widowed sister. She began to blame all things possible on the president when I shifted the conversation to Christmas. She went along with me chatting, looking me in the face, smiling from time to time. It was an easy conversation. She veered off slightly getting frustrated at how slow the line was, blaming the checker. Once again, I steered the conversation to a more empathetic place talking about how hard they work, how little they get paid, and how hectic the holidays are. Again, she went with me, nodding her head, speaking about how hard it is in the world today to just earn a living. She told me she was 80 years old. "My dad is 80 also," I said. We talked about having family so far away. I told her my kids moved and my husband was in Chicago. I ended up talking to that woman for about 25 minutes. We just stood and chatted, as we slowly made our way to the front of the line. I looked in her basket, where she had only five items. She wasn't cooking for Christmas and had bought potatoes, socks for her great grandchild, and a few other things. I made sure to look in her eyes. I stayed locked on her face, making her see me. In my head I thought, "I see you, I see you as a person, a woman, a mother, a grandmother and a great grandmother. I see how little you can afford, watching every penny to make sure you stay on budget. I see how tired you are, how much you have worked in your life. I see you." She checked her few items and grabbed her singular bag. She turned to me and said warmly, smiling, "Merry Christmas." "Merry Christmas, Ma'am", I said as I returned the smile. I could have gotten angry when she cut in that atrocious line. But I thought how much better it could be if I just turned an awkward silence into a momentary friendship, and I was right. I did see her, full in the face, for all the time we had together and she saw me too. I went from being a faceless nobody to someone she could relate to. It wasn't magical, or incredible or amazing. It was simply two people standing in line who had decided to make the best of it. It was human. As I left the store I made a promise to myself to be kinder this season, more patient, and give more of myself to complete strangers, even if they cut in line. I might just get a little conversation and a good story out of it.

My 2012 Balance Sheet

I was reviewing the past year as I always do in December. What had I lost? What had I gained? What had I learned? It is part of the reason I love this season so much, I suppose, my ability to take the time to reflect back on who I was and who I am becoming. My great question at the end of the season is am I becoming what I want to be or am following the wrong path? This year there were so many things that threw me off any path I might have chosen. I was beginning to feel as though I had no control over anything. I would be moving right along when another big life moment would toss me as though I were a rag doll. Let me explain. In the last seven months, no wait, let's go just slightly further back, in the last year, the year of 2012, my children were in a car wreck by all rights they should not have survived. I took on a full time job only to find out there was someone in my office actively wishing me ill will, Michael moved to Chicago for his job, Betty moved to San Antonio for school, my 20 year old cat got very sick and died, my sons moved back to Ohio, my very best dog got very ill at 17 and died, Michael got a much wanted and needed job offer back here in Houston and in the ninth hour it was rescinded, which left us to choose to move to Chicago so we could be together again. Whew, that is a lot even for me in my crazy life. OK, so in the vein of thinking of what I lost, I lost having my family with me. It's my first time ever not having my children nearby. No family dinners anymore, no doors opening and closing, no kid's friends showing up at our door at all hours, all of it gone. I lost living with my husband, my best friend, my heart mate. It has been a devastating blow. I come home to cook for no one but my oldest and she and I neither feels like eating most days. I lost two of my pets who had been part of my family for decades. And for a while I lost my confidence, when I discovered someone was trying to undermine me at my employment. I found this to be so shocking, since I still have no idea to this day why anyone would want to do that. I did lose things this year to be sure, but the next step is to see what I had gained. I gained a strength in me I was not sure I had. I was certain when Michael packed up his car to move to Chicago without me I would crumble into dust. So far that has not happened. While it hurts, I am still here, waking up, going to work and doing what needs to be done. I have gained friends at work. These are people I can count on, people who have invited me to their homes for holidays knowing my family is all away. I gained the ability to truly be alone and be good with it. After all these years of not having so much as a minute to myself, I wondered if I had the ability to be alone without losing my mind. Turns out, I can do it and appreciate it at times, even the times when I miss my family so much I ache. I have gained the ability to see more clearly than I have in years. I know for certain who I am as a person. I know what I am capable of at this time in my life. I know when I am on the wrong path. I gained the strength needed to continue to grow my heart. The don't call it growing pains for nothing. The final thing I reflect on what I have learned. I have learned that I can be patient, even during the days when I feel like I am crawling out of my own skin. I learned that I am stronger than I think I am. I have learned that while I can question if love conquers all, I cannot deny the resulting bond between me and those who have moved on. We are now closer than ever, because we choose to be. I learned that so much of what has transpired over the course of the year is not about me personally even as I am directly affected. It is what it is. Others have made decisions that affected me very personally without ever knowing I was even in the equation, so in order to not get mired in the crap of feeling hurt and eventually being altered by it, I can choose to be affected, weigh out the good and bad and swim into the current. It is very much the same thing I had to do as a child when I was body surfing in the waves of North Carolina. An undercurrent would come in on occasion and begin pulling me under. My father had taught me to swim with current so as not to be exhausted by trying to swim out. Eventually by using the energy of the waves to assist me, I would be able to ride it out and away. I believe this time in my life is much like that. I had to learn to go with the under tow in order to not be drowned or overwhelmed by it. This has not been the year I thought it would be. It doesn't resemble in the slightest the dreams I had for 2012. I have suffered in ways this year I could not possibly have seen coming. I have shaken all the fun out of the year, too. I found out I really don't give a damn what people think of me good or bad. I finally got it through my head their opinion is not the one that really counts, mine is. As much as I would like everyone I meet to enjoy my company, to see and use my talents, to see my heart and the good intentions I start everyday with, the bottom line is if they do, it’s good, and if they don’t that is perfectly fine, too. If I can stand in the mirror knowing I did my best then I won’t wallow in the other. I know for sure I am living according to my choices, both good and bad. I know that the times I stood paralyzed not knowing what to choose, I was making a choice to do nothing. I know that life is what you put into it. I know that the next year will force me to climb out of my comfort zone and push me to do things I never thought I would try. If the Mayans are right and the end is near, I have had one hell of a ride this year, and will be going out with a bang. If by chance 2013 shows up in spite of all the hoopla, then I know I need to get ready for more growing pains. I tell my kids all the time, “Life is hard, wear a helmet.” I plan on wearing something bedazzled with a lovely padded chin strap, because if I continue to grow at this pace, I will need all the protection I can get. It definitely needs to be better padded than the one I am sporting above. From me to you, Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, Happy New Year, or just in case Pleasant Endings.