Thursday, December 20, 2012

My 2012 Balance Sheet

I was reviewing the past year as I always do in December. What had I lost? What had I gained? What had I learned? It is part of the reason I love this season so much, I suppose, my ability to take the time to reflect back on who I was and who I am becoming. My great question at the end of the season is am I becoming what I want to be or am following the wrong path? This year there were so many things that threw me off any path I might have chosen. I was beginning to feel as though I had no control over anything. I would be moving right along when another big life moment would toss me as though I were a rag doll. Let me explain. In the last seven months, no wait, let's go just slightly further back, in the last year, the year of 2012, my children were in a car wreck by all rights they should not have survived. I took on a full time job only to find out there was someone in my office actively wishing me ill will, Michael moved to Chicago for his job, Betty moved to San Antonio for school, my 20 year old cat got very sick and died, my sons moved back to Ohio, my very best dog got very ill at 17 and died, Michael got a much wanted and needed job offer back here in Houston and in the ninth hour it was rescinded, which left us to choose to move to Chicago so we could be together again. Whew, that is a lot even for me in my crazy life. OK, so in the vein of thinking of what I lost, I lost having my family with me. It's my first time ever not having my children nearby. No family dinners anymore, no doors opening and closing, no kid's friends showing up at our door at all hours, all of it gone. I lost living with my husband, my best friend, my heart mate. It has been a devastating blow. I come home to cook for no one but my oldest and she and I neither feels like eating most days. I lost two of my pets who had been part of my family for decades. And for a while I lost my confidence, when I discovered someone was trying to undermine me at my employment. I found this to be so shocking, since I still have no idea to this day why anyone would want to do that. I did lose things this year to be sure, but the next step is to see what I had gained. I gained a strength in me I was not sure I had. I was certain when Michael packed up his car to move to Chicago without me I would crumble into dust. So far that has not happened. While it hurts, I am still here, waking up, going to work and doing what needs to be done. I have gained friends at work. These are people I can count on, people who have invited me to their homes for holidays knowing my family is all away. I gained the ability to truly be alone and be good with it. After all these years of not having so much as a minute to myself, I wondered if I had the ability to be alone without losing my mind. Turns out, I can do it and appreciate it at times, even the times when I miss my family so much I ache. I have gained the ability to see more clearly than I have in years. I know for certain who I am as a person. I know what I am capable of at this time in my life. I know when I am on the wrong path. I gained the strength needed to continue to grow my heart. The don't call it growing pains for nothing. The final thing I reflect on what I have learned. I have learned that I can be patient, even during the days when I feel like I am crawling out of my own skin. I learned that I am stronger than I think I am. I have learned that while I can question if love conquers all, I cannot deny the resulting bond between me and those who have moved on. We are now closer than ever, because we choose to be. I learned that so much of what has transpired over the course of the year is not about me personally even as I am directly affected. It is what it is. Others have made decisions that affected me very personally without ever knowing I was even in the equation, so in order to not get mired in the crap of feeling hurt and eventually being altered by it, I can choose to be affected, weigh out the good and bad and swim into the current. It is very much the same thing I had to do as a child when I was body surfing in the waves of North Carolina. An undercurrent would come in on occasion and begin pulling me under. My father had taught me to swim with current so as not to be exhausted by trying to swim out. Eventually by using the energy of the waves to assist me, I would be able to ride it out and away. I believe this time in my life is much like that. I had to learn to go with the under tow in order to not be drowned or overwhelmed by it. This has not been the year I thought it would be. It doesn't resemble in the slightest the dreams I had for 2012. I have suffered in ways this year I could not possibly have seen coming. I have shaken all the fun out of the year, too. I found out I really don't give a damn what people think of me good or bad. I finally got it through my head their opinion is not the one that really counts, mine is. As much as I would like everyone I meet to enjoy my company, to see and use my talents, to see my heart and the good intentions I start everyday with, the bottom line is if they do, it’s good, and if they don’t that is perfectly fine, too. If I can stand in the mirror knowing I did my best then I won’t wallow in the other. I know for sure I am living according to my choices, both good and bad. I know that the times I stood paralyzed not knowing what to choose, I was making a choice to do nothing. I know that life is what you put into it. I know that the next year will force me to climb out of my comfort zone and push me to do things I never thought I would try. If the Mayans are right and the end is near, I have had one hell of a ride this year, and will be going out with a bang. If by chance 2013 shows up in spite of all the hoopla, then I know I need to get ready for more growing pains. I tell my kids all the time, “Life is hard, wear a helmet.” I plan on wearing something bedazzled with a lovely padded chin strap, because if I continue to grow at this pace, I will need all the protection I can get. It definitely needs to be better padded than the one I am sporting above. From me to you, Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, Happy New Year, or just in case Pleasant Endings.

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