Saturday, September 22, 2012

A Little Haunted

"Those who dream by night, in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that all was vanity; but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act their dream with open eyes, and make it possible." - T.E. Lawrence (Lawrence of Arabia) This is the quote from the final episode of the The Rosanne show. There are several quotes from that last show I really like. My favorite quotes came from the monologue at the very end, a show I did not see in it's entirety until tonight. I never knew how the series ended because it ended in 1997, the year Danny died. It is one of my gap years, a year filled with nothing but work, crisis and kids. I have had a few of those gap years, where my memory has some rather remarkable gaps because I had neither the time nor the will to hang onto anything that wasn't absolutely necessary. I did something rather unusual for me today, I took the entire day off. I did not work any of my multiple jobs, I didn't do housework, or laundry or mow the lawn. Instead I opted to sit on my sizable butt and watch the The Rosanne Show marathon. I stayed on my couch and let my brain completely shut off for awhile. You see I am a little haunted right now and my brain being what it is, is working overtime trying to make all the scattered pieces fit in some way. I have remnants of the recent ghosts in my life. September is the month Danny died so I always feel a little haunted, but now with so many others from our family gone, it seems as though the ghosts are everywhere. I have been finding pennies everyday now for weeks. I have even found fifteen dollars in fives in the grocery store parking lot. At first I thought Danny was trying to tell me something. If you have read my book, you know what I mean by that. If you haven't please understand, I cannot tell that story any better than I did in the book. As I picked up coin after coin, I wondered what the significance was. Before, when I would find them, the dates held some significance, but now they seem random, every year of my life represented in copper. My mind then shifted to the idea that maybe he was just trying to help me feel less alone. In that way, I guess he has been successful because every time I find one I think of him and smile and for a second forget how alone I really am. As I watched the very last episode of the show and saw how she tied it all together, and I felt tied to TV Rosanne. When the series first started I was married to Danny and we were a blue collar family. We had no money to speak of and our little family was trying to get by. It was nostalgia that had me glued to the couch today watching a show that represented the eighties for the working middle class. Danny and I had laughed so hard at the ridiculously funny bits, sitting together watching, relaxing in the evening after a hard day's work. I had lost track of most the television shows in the nineties. My time was stretched too thin to watch much of anything but a very few programs I had to schedule in. Rosanne was one the shows that didn't make the cut. Maybe I let it go because it reminded me too much of being with Danny. So, I never knew how thing went for TV Rosanne until today. The ending was fitting where I am right now, in my haunted state. The quote below is brilliant, and in all of Rosanne's shenanigans I think she has been under appreciated for what a brilliant writer she is in real life. I have such an appreciation for the grasp she had on being a middle class wife in a time in history when women were expected to do the impossible with no time and less money. "As a modern wife, I walked a tight rope between tradition and progress, and usually, I failed, by one outsider's standards or another's. But I figured out that neither winning nor losing count for women like they do for men. We women are the one's who transform everything we touch. And nothing on earth is higher than that. My writing's really what got me through the last year after Dan died. I mean at first I felt so betrayed as if he had left me for another women. When you're a blue-collar woman and your husband dies it takes away your whole sense of security." In 1997, when this originally aired it said exactly how I felt. I sort of wish now I had seen it, maybe then I would felt "seen". But in some ways this is better, with hindsight behind me and so much time gone now. My youngest son will be having a birthday in a few days. He turned seven years old in 1997, two days before his father died. Buying Tom cars for his birthday was the last gift Danny ever gave. I believe he willed himself to live to see Tom turn seven. Tom usually doesn't want to celebrate his birthday because, I think, for him it is almost disrespectful to take any attention away from his father. I being his mother, disagree and want to focus on the fact that his father so loved him, ravaged by cancer managed to be there for his son on the day we loved to celebrate. Tom's birth was the easiest, the most relaxed. Dan and I got to breathe deep and enjoy the first few hours of our son's life. He came out on time. He wasn't much of crier, matter of fact he smiled when he was only hours old. It wasn't gas, he looked at us, worked so hard to focus his tiny wandering eyes and then his face would break slowly into a wide smile and stay that way until we smiled back. Yes, nostalgic is what I have been for a little while now. The ghosts remind me so much of the past it is hard not wander back in time and remember what life was like when the kids were tiny and life revolved around "sandwich night". My Michael always gives me room in September to feel anyway I want. This year, he is too far to do anything different, another ghost. We talked tonight in low tones about how I am feeling, how he is feeling and what we need to do to try and fix our current conundrum, realizing of course, the best laid plans and all... I told him I am planning a Halloween party. He will not be able to be here for it. As I tell him of my plans we both sigh. One or the other of us inevitably says, "It is what it is" and we try and let it go. I told Michael since I am feeling haunted anyway, I might as well put it to good use and throw a party. He agreed it is a good idea to allow the ghosts to wander freely rather than to try and chase them. I suppose some may think my day was completely wasted sitting and watching a show that is fifteen years old, but I defend my time spent today. I needed to fall back for awhile and gather strength from my past. Today was not so much about what I have lost as much as it was about what I have learned. I am not the same person I was in 1997, I am so much more now. Back then I didn't know how to take care of myself, but now I do. Back then I didn't have the capacity for love that I have now. Now I can forgive so much easier, too. I realized today exactly how far I have come. I remember dreaming of the day when I would love someone and they would have the utter audacity to openly love me back. I remember dreaming of becoming a writer, and well, here I am. I had dreams, lots and lots of dreams. It was those dreams that got me through the really dark days. It is my dreams that get me through the darkness now. They are the beacon that lights up the shadowy hallways, illuminating my way, past the ghosts. Today was a day of reflection, resolution and more dreaming.

Sunday, September 9, 2012

So Much Change

So much has happened in the last several weeks...again. Every time I am on my own, change comes sweeping in and altering my universe. An acquaintance said to me, "Change is inevitable, Kellie." Oh thank God your here to clear that up. Here I was thinking that everything I have ever known would be exactly the same year after year. Whew! I can finally put that existentialist question to bed. Look, I know I am being incredibly sarcastic, but really not as sarcastic as that useless comment. I know change happens, as does shit, and stuff. What has been happening to me, yes, I wrote to me, is more than the inevitable change. It's breath taking, not view type breath taking, more of the 'Oh dear God who did I piss off', kind of breath taking. Back in 1998, the year we were recovering from Danny's passing from cancer, I became acute aware of things I know for fact I never thought twice about. I began to notice people's expressions more, my surroundings, things that were done and said and things that were ignored. I had begun noticing everything around me whether it was a bug, or a human. I noticed how the wind blew, in what direction, whether or not it made the leaves swirl or merely fall off the tree. I noticed how not everyone was kind, or compassionate. See, up until then I had never been at the brunt of a true tragedy, so I had no life experience with how people acted or reacted. 1998 was the year I learned who I could count on and who I should let go. I had growing pains that year. In some ways I truly suffered, but in others the experience was priceless. I am living in a year right now that is as close to 1998 as I have had since my year of growing pains. I have pains again this year. I am being stretched to my very end, and some days I feel as though I may very well snap. Each day I get up and think, "Just let me get through it." I haven't thought that way since my 1998 'let's see how far we can push Kellie' year. This year I am once again being pushed, stretched, pulled in several directions at once to see if I will eventually snap. So far so good, and I remain intact. I am bruised, certainly battered and physically weaker due to a weird heart thing that began happening. I am under a doctors care about my heart. She has tested, talked counseled and directed me in the way I can take care of me, so the weird heart thing goes away. There is a condition called "broken heart syndrome", a condition that happens usually after a death of loved one or some extreme stress. The heart goes into cardiomyopathy, and feels much like a heart attack. When I woke up in a cold sweat on a Sunday night, sat bolt upright clutching my chest, my first sight was 'The Kardashions', evidently they had sneaked up on the screen after I fell asleep. My first thought was, "Oh, no one should have to die like this!" I waited until morning and went to see my doctor. We had a long conversation about my insomnia, a long standing problem that had recently gotten worse leaving me awake for 22 of the 24 hour period in a day. I usually clocked in at least 4 hours, but recently I had dropped down to 2 hours a night. I was exhausted, stressed out and becoming hopeless. You see I believe my heart is broken. I believe that psychology becomes pathology when left untreated. I cannot tell you if I had broken heart syndrome. I know my heart was not functioning, which left me with uncharacteristically large ankles, or kankles as some may know them. I know I would feel as though someone was bouncing around a basketball in my chest when I should have been fast asleep. I know that this summer has left me feeling battered, beaten and very very tired. And a little hopeless at times. I did all my necessary health stuff and found out my thyroid has decided to give up. Poor thing has been fighting a long hard battle without the necessary hormones for support, so I guess it was inevitable, you know, like change. I decided for me, for Mike and my sanity that limbo is not my forte. I forced a conversation and we made a decision. That decision has freed me up to start feeling like a human again. That one very large, life altering decision has made it possible for me to start thinking about moving on through all the changes instead of just enduring them. Michael came home and I was holding him so tight in my arms. I was breathing him, tasting his lips, inhaling his smell, touching his face. I was taking in all of him so I could carry him with me as we go through another set of very large changes. I heard my heart beat in tandem with his. The two seemed to instantly recognize the other and fall in sync. I can't say I will never be brokenhearted again. I can't say I will handle the new changes with grace and poise, I mean let's be real, it's still me we are talking about. But I can say, that whatever change is on it's way, there will be two hearts to take it on.

Sunday, September 2, 2012

An Open Letter To My Sons

To my darling boys, loves of my life, breadth of my very soul, you have made me so very proud, so very happy, and so ultimately privileged to have you in my life. For decades now, I have had you in my life every day, seeing you grow, watching your successes, your failures, your heartbreak, and your abounding love. It seems unimaginable to me, that we will be apart. I have tried for days to wrap my brain around letting you go, allowing you to fly as you need to, yet feeling my heart hurt thinking of your absence. I know, cognitively I know, that this must be for now. I have seen how much you need to move on, move through me, to be the men you were born to be. It is my greatest hope that I am never the one who holds you down or back or keeps you from the future you have earned and desire. It is impossible for me to even think I could be happy not seeing you, sharing your world, having long talks on the patio about big life decisions, but even the most impossible at times must become possible in order for you to continue your journey. While it’s true this makes the tears fall down my face, know in your heart that I love you too much to want anything but the very best for you. I want you to be happy; above all else, you deserve to be happy. So not only will I not stand in your way, but I will assist you in your journey any way I can. That is the very description of motherly love, to allow your children to grow to their full potential in order for them to be happy, fulfilled, and loved. You are such good men, kind men, decent human beings. I am proud of how you have chosen those things, on your own. I have tried to teach you all I know, when I think about it, it could fit in a thimble. I tried my level best to show you the love I was always certain you deserved. I tried to be both mother and father after your father was no longer here to show you how to be a man. I married a man who I was certain loved you and would support you in your life. He loves you so much. He too is so very proud of you and this big leap you have decided to take for yourselves. The days you were born were some of the happiest of my life. You were born perfect. You both immediately bonded to each other, so it is no surprise that this journey is one you will make together. And that too makes me happy. This is my best piece of advice for you as you go off on your own: Be kind to yourself. Guard the life I have guarded so long. Forgive your transgressions, and allow yourselves your humanity. You must first own love in order to truly give it to others. Do not accept others negative or hurtful remarks or actions. It means nothing and has nothing at all to do with you or who you are. Let go of any hate mistakenly thrown your way. To hold on to it will only hurt you and use up your future. Do not waste your time on it. Remember, it means nothing. Be kind to those who have less in love, money, or life. It is in our decency to others that we show our true character. Be who you were born to be. Find compassion for those in need. Give to the poor, teach the ignorant, and help the helpless. You were born to be leaders of men; you will accomplish this by showing the world how a real man behaves. Say how you feel, follow your instincts and love deeply, even if it means getting hurt. Regret comes from not participating in your own life. Be fearless in your life; it is the one and nearly the only thing that ever truly belongs to you. Live as if failure were impossible. Speak thoughtfully, listen frequently, and take the time to enjoy the now. Revel in your friendships, laugh out loud in theaters, sing in public and dance in a parking lot under the lights and stars (I promise you, in the winter, you will feel the magic of it to your bones.) Remember where you came from. Those who paved this wonderful road for you did so out of love, hope and the promise of better days ahead. Take time to spend with family, and learn the history of them. Be the sponge in the room and listen closely to the stories. They are stories you will one day pass along to your own children. Respect the sacrifices of your grandparents, parents and yourselves. Make this time in your life count. Create your own future. See it in your mind’s eye and then take the steps to see it through to completion. I believe mind, body and soul that you can accomplish anything you choose. Most importantly, remember that I have loved you every day of your life and will love you for eternity, for love like the one I hold for you have no bounds from time or space or earthly laws. And look for the pennies. They are out there, and if you pay attention they will speak to you. Your father continues to love you from where he is. God speed my darlings, my loves. May God hold you in the palm of His hand until we meet again. Yours now and always, Mama