Wednesday, March 25, 2009

What to do when the crap is up to your lip line...

By now everyone knows I have a broken wiener. I decided to be open about it so maybe someone else out there who has a broken wiener would feel better knowing they have company. I found the web site www.dodgerslist.com. It is a website specializing in broken wieners. The disease is called IVDD and seriously paralyzes dogs. We are going the conservative route and crating Schnitzel for 8 weeks. In the mean time I must hold his butt up for him to poop. Yes, that is real love!
My washer broke, my car broke and news is so depressing I have to take Prozac before I turn the TV on. I found myself drifting in the River Why when I decided to get out of the craptastic inner tube! I am being the student trying to equate the physics of climbing out the crap that has risen to my lip line while limiting my intake of said crap. Basically, I have called a moratorium on bad juju. I had to start moving toward something to get the momentum going. Crap begets crap. It was time for me to start counting my blessings even if it felt like I only had a couple left. O.K. having said that, I will tell you that I am currently self employed with no pay check, we lost over 1/2 of our retirement and our piggy bank that holds our extra change is getting skinnier by the day. The children love taking four dollars worth of pennies in to the lunch lady. Even, so, I am healthy, now. I just got over a two week stomach flu. Normally, a stomach flu would be welcome because of the inadvertent weight loss, but this time the only thing I lost was my dignity. My family is healthy, our house is standing and the computer is only horrifyingly slow rather than frozen. I believe I am making progress.
I woke up today and actively decided to ignore the crap. I am stepping over giant piles of it in order to get something accomplished. My expectations for now remain meager. Low expectations at this time produce seemingly larger gains. Better to start low and get exponentially higher than start at the top only to fall off poop point.
Today I am grateful for tuna salad. I made it a few days ago and there was enough left for me to have lunch. I am feeling lazy and didn't want to have to actually fix myself something. So tuna salad it is. I am also grateful that I don't need anything from the store which due to the broken car would require a bike ride(please refer back to my laziness). I am grateful that I have the ability to turn off the TV and ignore the news. I am grateful that I do not work on Wall street or AIG/U ending up the most hated people in America. I am grateful for my impoverished career so I do not need to find a FDIC insured bank that doesn't look like it is going to fail. I am grateful that I can stretch good ole George Washington until he begs for mercy. I am mostly grateful today for the miracle tomato plants that have magically appeared in my tiny garden. I compost and in my compost were tomato seeds. They were covered all warm and snug in other vegetable waste and leaves and sprouted into plants that are now blooming and will soon be baring fruit.
As I wrap this gratitude fest up, I look around and see that my crap line is beginning to recede. I am certain if I list out a few more things that I am happy and thankful for the crap will begin it's journey back out the door from whence it came. Today tomato surprise, tomorrow who knows? The world is my oyster. I just have to be careful of the expiration date.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Dogs might be man's best friend, but they are woman's heart and soul

My wiener might be paralyzed. I have been saying "my wiener" now for six years. I have made a million jokes about "my wiener". I have scheduled my days around taking care, feeding, walking and bathing my wiener. The truth is, it makes me laugh to say "my wiener" even now when tragedy seems to have struck my wiener. Schnitzel is the wiener I am referring to. He is a miniature dachshund with short, red hair and auburn eyes. He is sweet and obnoxious at the same time. He is ill tempered and absolutely loyal. He is our red headed step child. My love affair with him began near my fortieth birthday. I had found an add in the paper listing dachshund puppies for sale. Michael had promised me he would get me one as my present. We had both grown up with dachshunds. We had only been married for a couple of years and couldn't have a child of own, so for us, this seemed like the next best thing. We laughed at the idea that Schnitzel had my sizable behind and Michael's' long nose. Our little wiener represented the two of us in a way that was comical. Schnitzel comes from Amish country in Ohio. We drove winding country roads to pick up our little guy and each took turns holding him on our laps for the long drive back. When we first got him he was tiny, and disappeared in our brown carpet with only his eyes gleaming, so that we didn't step on him. Over the years we have all laughed at the my wiener's antics. He is stubborn and willful and fearless. Our older dog, Asti, part German shepherd- whippet mix, was very confused by the tiny intruder. But she learned to play and run with my wiener and eventually became a mother figure to him. Once when he was very small he took off toward our property line and Asti grabbed him by the scruff of the neck and threw him back in our yard to safety. She has looked out for him everyday since then.
Schnitzel blew out a disc in his back causing him to lose control of his back legs. We were given medication to help take down the swelling and pain medication to eliminate his suffering. It is a crap shoot if he will ever walk again. We were not given odds on his recovery. We will simply have to wait and see if his body will heal enough for him to function. If he doesn't improve he will have to be put down. The thought of this breaks my heart into a million pieces. I started crying in the vet's office and have yet to quit. Randomly tears will stream down my face and drip onto my wiener as he looks at me with his big, questioning eyes. His innocence at all we face makes me feel even worse. His love for us causes him to want to drag himself, in excruciating pain to our side, just so he is near. We must watch him at all times and keep him still. He must be carried so he doesn't jar his injury. When he can't see me, I can hear his cries from the cushioned basket that has become his prison. I carry my wiener in his basket all over our house so he knows where I am. I admit he is spoiled. I admit that he is so much more than just a pet to me. I admit that I have treated him like a child rather than a domesticated animal. But I must also say, I have received so much love from my wiener. He never left my side when I was sick. He has barked and growled at anyone who dared come near me. He has loved me unconditionally through the difficult time of me watching my grown children leave our home in order to make their own way. He has made me laugh at his ridiculous and curious behavior. He has brought a fullness and richness to my life that was so unexpected.
For now my family humbly prays for the recovery of our beloved wiener. We are brought back together as a tight unit, loving and leaning on each other as we wait. We are lavishing our love on the little dog who has brought such light and joy into our household. We are treating everyday as the gift it is. As I continue the vigil and the tears stream down my face, I continue to repeat the mantra of gratitude for my wiener and all he has given me. I have no desire to lose him so soon, but I am keenly aware of how blessed I have been to have him at all.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

I want to sincerely wish everyone a happy St. Patrick's Day. My family is mostly Irish and my children were born in Cleveland, Ohio, a place that celebrates the Irish in a big way. Our community was filled to the brim with Irish Catholics. This was/is a day of celebration but also of reverence for us. It was more than just a day to drink green beer and go to parties and parades. It's a day filled with going to mass and praying for a unified Ireland. You see, my family is both green and orange Irish. I have always told my kids that being both, combined, makes them a lovely color of sh*t brown. That is what truly makes them Irish. Nobody can bullsh*t like an Irishman!
In the news recently there was a violent episode that threatened the peace in Ireland. Luckily, both sides came together in protest in the streets, Catholics and Protestants, hand in hand showing unity and hope that they may always be able to live in peace, together. Seeing this reminded me that people do change. It isn't easy and it isn't quick, but they can and do change. Where once the streets ran red from blood spilled on both sides, they are now filled with people of all faiths keeping the peace.
Today as I make our corned beef and cabbage, red potatoes, and fresh bread in preparation of our family celebration The Irish Blessing will hold new meaning for me. Tonight as we recite the prayer of St. Patrick, I will know that he smiles on all of the Irish people. Our final prayer for our blessed Erin is to pray for continued peace in a place that was so often divided. My family in it's own way has brought both sides of the Irish together celebrating all the colors of the Irish flag. My children represent the future of Ireland as Irish Americans living as an example that the melting pot more often than not brings out the best of our heritage. Although my children were raised Catholic, celebrating the green of the day, they have a great appreciation for their orange heritage and continue to remember the one constant in Ireland is we all bleed red.
Erin Go Bragh! (Ireland forever!)

Friday, March 13, 2009

Do You Think You Are Beautiful?

The big question for today is "Do you think you are beautiful?" A person asked me that once and I was stymied on how to respond. My first instinct was to break out the Christina Aguilera song and just start singing. Sarcasm being my forte it just felt like the right thing to do. I looked at the person who dared ask me a question and expect a serious answer. I studied his face and then answered him with a question of my own. "Why do you ask?" He reached out and touched my shoulder and had this very perplexed look on his face. "You seem to have a low opinion of yourself that worries me." He was so sincere with eyes wide and a gentle smile conveying the earnestness of his query. I unfortunately am socially inappropriate and began to laugh. This was no small giggle, it was an out right guffaw. He was hurt by my cruel albeit unintentional behavior. He had wanted us to examine my need to make jokes at my own expense and then ponder possible solutions curing me of my low self esteem. Oh, if only it were that easy. That poor sweet sap has no idea how many years of therapy and anti-depressants that would inevitably require.
The truth is, I don' t really have low self esteem. I think I am perfectly fine. I am fairly comfortable in my own skin. I don't deny I am uncomfortable with failure and suffer bouts of stage fright when speaking in public. I am out of practice being in the public eye in any arena, so I am not surprised when my face glows like a stop light. I make jokes at my expense mostly because they are funny and harmless to others. I never want to hurt anyone else so making fun of them is out of the question for me. I had received my fair share of that in high school and opted out as an adult. I know of all the mortal flaws I carry so I make myself an easy target. I do it to put people at ease when they are around. My feeling is that most people feel awkward at first meeting so it's best for me to try and make them laugh. Do I believe what I say? Yes, of course, in a sense. Everything I joke about has an element of truth to it. However, I can talk in extremes to make it funny so we get to see me as a human being and laugh at the same time.
I really do have a receding hairline, stretch marks, varicose veins and a butt that is wider than my shoulders. I also have one drooping eye, uneven nostrils and too many moles on my face. I have Fred Flintstone feet and hair that sticks straight up in the morning as if I were terrified all night. I could spend the next several days days listing all that is physically and mentally wrong with me. That would make this boring and a little, dare I say, pathetic. Or I could simply acknowledge my humanity in the form of humor and we can all have a good laugh.
Whether or not I am beautiful is not something I actively think about. I don't study the mirror for signs of more crows feet, or panic that I no longer look the way I did in my twenties. When I look at me it is in the form of an activity , such as brushing my teeth or applying mascara. I have never thought about myself as beautiful, stunning, or gorgeous. I just don't think in those terms about me. Sometimes I think if it weren't for habits I've acquired over the years applying make-up would be optional for me.
What I don't see in me is ugliness. To me that is the bigger issue. I have tried to conduct my life in a way that is the least hurtful to others. I have spent my careers serving others in the medical field. I am not a fan of jokes made at others expense unless it's a politician. Politicians used to be "civil servants" and now refer to themselves as "public officials". Due to their arrogance and abuse of power, all bets are off for them. I try to be kind to people who have to work so very hard for very little money. I have worked the crappy jobs in the past, so I feel for those who continue on in my stead. I know that I love my husband, children and country. I do my best at work and play, pay my taxes and try to never run with scissors. The rest is what it is.
So am I beautiful? I dunno. I'd stop and think about it, but I am too busy trying to keep my ugliness to a minimum.

Friday, March 6, 2009

Oh Poop!



This picture was taken by me as a joke. Little did I know that it would represent what my government would be doing to me and my family only a few short years later.
Madoff isn't in jail and neither is Stanford. I wish I had known that being a financial investor who embezzles billions of dollars was considered to be a lucrative career move rather than criminal behavior. I would have been a finance major instead of a lowly nurse. Insanity rules while humanity drools. Sort of like the patients I took care of.
Pork continues to be enjoyed by our Congressional members along with their $4,700.00 raise. They all earn 6 figures for accomplishing absolutely nothing. I am doing nothing right now. I believe that may qualify me for a position in Washington. I like to be lazy and get free stuff too. Oh, and let's not forget that I don't want to pay my taxes either so surely they should have a place for me in the new administration. My plan is to mail them a copy of my resume with nothing on the page but my name and address. I figure I will be moving to Washington within the month.
My senator just mailed out a request for re-election money. I almost peed my pants I was laughing so hard. Thank God they still have their sense of humor. I will simply mail back the response that since the dollar isn't worth anything anymore I wouldn't want to insult her by sending any.
For those of you who are unemployed here is your chance to make boat loads of cash, enjoy free rides literally on planes and private cars and quit paying your taxes, while looking down your noses at us little people. Well, maybe not me, because I think I am every bit as qualified to run our country's finances into the ground. Failure is something I can really sink my teeth into especially now that I know there are no consequences. See you all in D.C.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

I Just Have To Say It

I may have to impose a self ban on the news for now. Look, I get that we are in a mess here but really I can't understand why the obvious ideas aren't being tried. I am so absolutely frustrated at the lack of common sense I may actually explode. The pressure from all the stupid is building.
Let's talk housing---All the banks that took bail out money should lower the interest rate to 4% across the board. I don't care if it slightly helps those who bought over their head. The CEO's and other key people making bundles of money take a pay cut down to 50k yearly. If they can't afford their lifestyle on that then they can sell houses and reduce like the rest of us. They should have to have a matching system where if they take 5 billion dollars they have to attempt to reduce their pay and perks to at least half that much.
U.S. deficit---When companies are broke the first thing to go are perks and pension funds. Let's cut out all the pension funds for the Senate and the House. They just got a pay increase so let's cut that too. They should make no more than the average American worker which is 45k not six figures like they want you to think. Don't think that would make a dent? You'd be shocked.
Taxes----flat taxes for everybody. It's a basic business idea. KISS-keep it simple stupid. We wouldn't need to pay the IRS for the brain surgery they have to do to figure out who is paying what. We could reduce the department to a few lawyers and some law enforcers. Don't pay then they take all your stuff until the debt is paid back including your government job. Let's make that a law--if you don't pay your taxes you can't have any position with the government on any level national, state or city.
Wall Street? I'll tell you what, you guarantee me that there is at least 85% ethical people working in the financial district and I'll think about handing over my very hard earned money for you to "play" with. The lesson here is, if you screw over the American people they tend not to trust you anymore. I think We the People should only invest in the companies who invest in the people(you know like jobs and benefits, stuff like that)---this would mean that most of the bigger corps would be screwed just we have been for the last 15 or so years.
Healthcare---no more insurance lobbies. Get rid of HIPPA and save some trees. Make the insurance companies actually pay for claims by the people who currently have insurance so they can afford to keep paying the premiums. Does anyone else see the cycle here?
We don't want socialized medicine. Nursing homes are socialized medicine and going into one of them will break your heart and make you think you exited the U.S. somewhere along the way. Offer group insurance that is affordable for families and individuals.
Simplicity will cure this. I know it will because turning everything into brain surgery is what broke it. Talking heads want the people of this country to think we are not bright enough to understand. Well, we are bright enough to see that laziness, greed and bad behavior got us here. We are also bright enough to know how to mange our own money and be decent honest people. I think that is the real problem---the American people can't think like greedy B*st*rds so naturally Washingto thinks we are too dumb to fix what they screwed up.
I feel much better. Thank you for letting me vent. Hopefully this feeling will last until the next 24 hour news cycle begins.