Friday, March 13, 2009

Do You Think You Are Beautiful?

The big question for today is "Do you think you are beautiful?" A person asked me that once and I was stymied on how to respond. My first instinct was to break out the Christina Aguilera song and just start singing. Sarcasm being my forte it just felt like the right thing to do. I looked at the person who dared ask me a question and expect a serious answer. I studied his face and then answered him with a question of my own. "Why do you ask?" He reached out and touched my shoulder and had this very perplexed look on his face. "You seem to have a low opinion of yourself that worries me." He was so sincere with eyes wide and a gentle smile conveying the earnestness of his query. I unfortunately am socially inappropriate and began to laugh. This was no small giggle, it was an out right guffaw. He was hurt by my cruel albeit unintentional behavior. He had wanted us to examine my need to make jokes at my own expense and then ponder possible solutions curing me of my low self esteem. Oh, if only it were that easy. That poor sweet sap has no idea how many years of therapy and anti-depressants that would inevitably require.
The truth is, I don' t really have low self esteem. I think I am perfectly fine. I am fairly comfortable in my own skin. I don't deny I am uncomfortable with failure and suffer bouts of stage fright when speaking in public. I am out of practice being in the public eye in any arena, so I am not surprised when my face glows like a stop light. I make jokes at my expense mostly because they are funny and harmless to others. I never want to hurt anyone else so making fun of them is out of the question for me. I had received my fair share of that in high school and opted out as an adult. I know of all the mortal flaws I carry so I make myself an easy target. I do it to put people at ease when they are around. My feeling is that most people feel awkward at first meeting so it's best for me to try and make them laugh. Do I believe what I say? Yes, of course, in a sense. Everything I joke about has an element of truth to it. However, I can talk in extremes to make it funny so we get to see me as a human being and laugh at the same time.
I really do have a receding hairline, stretch marks, varicose veins and a butt that is wider than my shoulders. I also have one drooping eye, uneven nostrils and too many moles on my face. I have Fred Flintstone feet and hair that sticks straight up in the morning as if I were terrified all night. I could spend the next several days days listing all that is physically and mentally wrong with me. That would make this boring and a little, dare I say, pathetic. Or I could simply acknowledge my humanity in the form of humor and we can all have a good laugh.
Whether or not I am beautiful is not something I actively think about. I don't study the mirror for signs of more crows feet, or panic that I no longer look the way I did in my twenties. When I look at me it is in the form of an activity , such as brushing my teeth or applying mascara. I have never thought about myself as beautiful, stunning, or gorgeous. I just don't think in those terms about me. Sometimes I think if it weren't for habits I've acquired over the years applying make-up would be optional for me.
What I don't see in me is ugliness. To me that is the bigger issue. I have tried to conduct my life in a way that is the least hurtful to others. I have spent my careers serving others in the medical field. I am not a fan of jokes made at others expense unless it's a politician. Politicians used to be "civil servants" and now refer to themselves as "public officials". Due to their arrogance and abuse of power, all bets are off for them. I try to be kind to people who have to work so very hard for very little money. I have worked the crappy jobs in the past, so I feel for those who continue on in my stead. I know that I love my husband, children and country. I do my best at work and play, pay my taxes and try to never run with scissors. The rest is what it is.
So am I beautiful? I dunno. I'd stop and think about it, but I am too busy trying to keep my ugliness to a minimum.

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