Sunday, September 9, 2012

So Much Change

So much has happened in the last several weeks...again. Every time I am on my own, change comes sweeping in and altering my universe. An acquaintance said to me, "Change is inevitable, Kellie." Oh thank God your here to clear that up. Here I was thinking that everything I have ever known would be exactly the same year after year. Whew! I can finally put that existentialist question to bed. Look, I know I am being incredibly sarcastic, but really not as sarcastic as that useless comment. I know change happens, as does shit, and stuff. What has been happening to me, yes, I wrote to me, is more than the inevitable change. It's breath taking, not view type breath taking, more of the 'Oh dear God who did I piss off', kind of breath taking. Back in 1998, the year we were recovering from Danny's passing from cancer, I became acute aware of things I know for fact I never thought twice about. I began to notice people's expressions more, my surroundings, things that were done and said and things that were ignored. I had begun noticing everything around me whether it was a bug, or a human. I noticed how the wind blew, in what direction, whether or not it made the leaves swirl or merely fall off the tree. I noticed how not everyone was kind, or compassionate. See, up until then I had never been at the brunt of a true tragedy, so I had no life experience with how people acted or reacted. 1998 was the year I learned who I could count on and who I should let go. I had growing pains that year. In some ways I truly suffered, but in others the experience was priceless. I am living in a year right now that is as close to 1998 as I have had since my year of growing pains. I have pains again this year. I am being stretched to my very end, and some days I feel as though I may very well snap. Each day I get up and think, "Just let me get through it." I haven't thought that way since my 1998 'let's see how far we can push Kellie' year. This year I am once again being pushed, stretched, pulled in several directions at once to see if I will eventually snap. So far so good, and I remain intact. I am bruised, certainly battered and physically weaker due to a weird heart thing that began happening. I am under a doctors care about my heart. She has tested, talked counseled and directed me in the way I can take care of me, so the weird heart thing goes away. There is a condition called "broken heart syndrome", a condition that happens usually after a death of loved one or some extreme stress. The heart goes into cardiomyopathy, and feels much like a heart attack. When I woke up in a cold sweat on a Sunday night, sat bolt upright clutching my chest, my first sight was 'The Kardashions', evidently they had sneaked up on the screen after I fell asleep. My first thought was, "Oh, no one should have to die like this!" I waited until morning and went to see my doctor. We had a long conversation about my insomnia, a long standing problem that had recently gotten worse leaving me awake for 22 of the 24 hour period in a day. I usually clocked in at least 4 hours, but recently I had dropped down to 2 hours a night. I was exhausted, stressed out and becoming hopeless. You see I believe my heart is broken. I believe that psychology becomes pathology when left untreated. I cannot tell you if I had broken heart syndrome. I know my heart was not functioning, which left me with uncharacteristically large ankles, or kankles as some may know them. I know I would feel as though someone was bouncing around a basketball in my chest when I should have been fast asleep. I know that this summer has left me feeling battered, beaten and very very tired. And a little hopeless at times. I did all my necessary health stuff and found out my thyroid has decided to give up. Poor thing has been fighting a long hard battle without the necessary hormones for support, so I guess it was inevitable, you know, like change. I decided for me, for Mike and my sanity that limbo is not my forte. I forced a conversation and we made a decision. That decision has freed me up to start feeling like a human again. That one very large, life altering decision has made it possible for me to start thinking about moving on through all the changes instead of just enduring them. Michael came home and I was holding him so tight in my arms. I was breathing him, tasting his lips, inhaling his smell, touching his face. I was taking in all of him so I could carry him with me as we go through another set of very large changes. I heard my heart beat in tandem with his. The two seemed to instantly recognize the other and fall in sync. I can't say I will never be brokenhearted again. I can't say I will handle the new changes with grace and poise, I mean let's be real, it's still me we are talking about. But I can say, that whatever change is on it's way, there will be two hearts to take it on.

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