Inappropriate Garnish
My mother and I were sitting outside of her house in Ohio talking when she was telling me about how a friend of hers served up a potato casserole no one would try because she had used pimento on the top of it as a garnish.
“You would eat it, wouldn’t you?” my mother asked as if it were a ridiculous notion for me not to. “No I wouldn’t,” I said defiantly, “The pimento would stop me in my tracks.”
“What are you talking about it? That’s ridiculous, you just scrape it off, the rest is fine,” my mom admonished my lack of bravery at trying pimento covered potatoes.
I gave up that argument with my mother as I so often did when I was certain she would have no appreciation for my having my own opinion. The truth is I would avoid those potatoes like the plague. I would take one look at the casserole and desperately wish the cook had not covered it in red squishy things to try and make it look like it was something other than just a potato casserole. Maybe her friend thought plain old potatoes were too boring to serve at the function. Was it a formal function that required a more distinguished dress for the food? Did the casserole complain of being cold so she felt obligated to cover them up? Whatever the circumstances that I was not made aware of, I am certain I would not have partaken of the dish due to its inappropriate garnish.
My grandmother was famous for shoving inappropriate things into Jello. Every family event Grandma would whip up some jello that outwardly looked delicious and refreshing until you took in a mouthful and found yourself chewing some sort of shredded vegetable that she had shoved into the center. It was shocking to my system every time she did it and she did it every time. You would think I would learn to avoid the Jello surprise after several attempts, only to find myself gagging and choking on roughage that had been encased by the jiggling mass. But alas it was not to be. My hopeful childlike nature refused to believe she would ruin every Jello dish with more horrifying and grossly unappetizing vegetable scraps. My feeling is simplicity is often the best garnish for any occasion. Better to serve something recognizable, than to expect one’s guest to scrape something off, or worse still, spit it out in a napkin.
I know why my mom thinks I would try things regardless of the inappropriate garnish that is used to disguise the obvious. She raised me to be polite and sneaky. She would deny the sneaky part and say it is heresy to say I was raised that way, but it is true. I was raised to take “no thank you helpings”, of food that I would never in my right mind eat even in the event of starvation. I was raised that it is better to choke something down than let the hostess know that I am deathly allergic to the main course. All my mother cares about when it comes to food, is good manners. One ambulance ride to the emergency room does not provide a reason to refuse good food that someone else has slaved over. I have had more arguments with my mother about people sticking weird things in food than I care to recount. “Why did they have to put dried mangos and pepperonis in the same salad?” I would look desperately at my mom for any kind of reasonable explanation. “Because it makes it look enticing. Now be quiet and grab a small spoonful so the hostess doesn’t feel bad.” My mom begins to put a tablespoonful on her own plate.
“If I eat that I will feel bad, how about that? Why is it O.K. for me to feel like crap? Can’t we just say I am a vegetarian?” I continue to plead. “With ribs on your plate?”Mom shakes her head at me as if I were an idiot. “I could say I am saving them for Michael”, I explain.
“He’s twelve hundred miles away in Houston Texas! Really, Kellie, it wouldn’t kill you to try something new.” Mom continues down the buffet line putting small dollops of unwanted food on her plate that she has no intention of actually eating. I watch my polite mother as she makes very obvious faces of disgust at some of the things she is “trying”, and I can’t help but wonder if we are doing the hostess any favors. Others in the same line have no problem snubbing the odd combinations that look unappealing, so why do we have to pretend to eat it? “If it’s that bad,” my mother continues, “just spit it in a napkin.” I look again at my mother and say flatly,”My napkin isn’t big enough. I have a question for you; wouldn’t it be easier and nicer to ignore the unrecognizable, so the hostess doesn’t make that mistake again? It seems kinder to quietly let her know that garbage pot pie is not an appropriate dish for any affair.” My mom looks at me with utter disdain, “Well that is just rude. Be quiet and put the salmon stuffed with pickles on your plate.”
I am a foodie, who has great appreciation for new and exciting cuisine, but I cannot reconcile myself to eat things that are far from interesting combinations and more like found table scraps blended together. My family is famous at reunions for having the best and worst dishes at the same table. One can help themselves to the most delectable treats to the disgusting treachery, all on the same paper plate. I do try and be polite, but I think my mom has gone a bit over board trying to not hurt someone’s feelings. There just has to be a middle ground between devouring the delicious and hacking up the inevitable fur ball due to the unknown. There have been buffet lines where I have literally run out of napkins to spit in. As I dive below the surface of the table, I really don’t think I am fooling anyone, as I repeatedly cough and sputter meat and vegetable shreds into an already soggy and disintegrating single ply napkin. I also think people notice that I have as many napkins on my plate as I go to throw it away as I did original food stuff. My family is smart and knows basic math. It doesn’t take a rhubarb and mozzarella pie chart for them to see I haven’t eaten what was on my plate.
My mom tries again to convince me that it is more about my genetic stubborn streak, from my father, of course, than my want to eat what is appetizing and takes a different tack. “You eat weird things all the time. Your father and I can’t eat half the stuff you make when we visit your house.” “It’s called seasoning, Mom, and it’s not weird. People have been seasoning their food since the beginning of time.” I feign interest in the ongoing bullying to eat the brown gravy covered asparagus she has plopped onto my plate. “What exactly is that?” I ask her desperately trying to understand why as a woman in my forties I still have to eat things that smell like my sons dirt covered socks. My mom looks at me and then breaks into a huge fit of giggles. “I have no idea…maybe it’s something they saw in a magazine.” “’Composting Made Easy’?” I garble out, as I double over, trying not to spill the goo covering my drooping paper plate. Both of us look at each other and lose it. Laughing hysterically, we make our way back to our table and begin the spit fest that has become our ritual of “being polite”. If there was a prize handed out for best manners in an awkward social situation, my mom would win, hands down, every year for the rest of her life. It is pure genius watching her “look” as if she has actually eaten half of what is on her plate. She should give speeches and do seminars on how to avoid bad food while maintaining the deliciousness of it, while practically starving because she hasn’t eaten enough of anything to fill the stomach of a starving child. I do know her Achilles heel, though. My mother hates lima beans. I am not sure what horrifying event took place in her past, that has her so up in arms about the little green devils, but I know for certain she would rather die of starvation than eat a lima bean. Sure enough I spot a lima bean casserole on the table and elbow my mother, as I head point to the crusted edges of the dreaded baked lima bean gunge. I notice the sprigs of parsley carefully put on top as if to hide the awful beige mess underneath. “You should try that you, know…” My mother’s face twists in horror as she says without remorse,” I will not put that on my plate. That is just wrong.”
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Friday, January 21, 2011
Dear Kellie - Tuesday, January 18, 2011 - Copyright 2007 Ourtribune.com
Dear Kellie - Tuesday, January 18, 2011 - Copyright 2007 Ourtribune.com
Here is this weeks column. I will be in print every other week in February and online every week. The columns will be all about relationships in the month of love. It is going to get juicy!
Be sure to share it with your friends!
Here is this weeks column. I will be in print every other week in February and online every week. The columns will be all about relationships in the month of love. It is going to get juicy!
Be sure to share it with your friends!
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Dear Kellie
Dear Kellie
I lied to my boyfriend and told him I was pregnant in order to trap him into marriage. After we married I faked a miscarriage by pretending to fall down the stairs. He now wants a divorce. What can I do to keep him and prove t...o him that I really do love him?
Miserable in Massachusetts
PS love your column!!!
Dear Miserable,
It is unfortunate that while you say you love your boyfriend, you have chosen to live a lie instead of just being yourself. I believe real love takes the courage to be yourself, investing your very precious time in being honest, kind and understanding of both of your needs. By lying to him, you have shown him that immaturity, deceit, and selfishness are the primary personality traits that you own and offer.
The only way to show him that you truly love him now, is to tell him the truth and let him go if necessary. You need to do the work and grow up before you can offer anyone anything in this life. He will never "complete you"; you need to be whole when you enter an adult relationship. 1+1=2, not 1. Tell him the truth, he deserves better from you. If he still wants out, then give him the divorce. This is the exact instance when "It is better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all."
Telling him the truth will show him that you have changed, grown and are owning up to your mistakes. That is the only way you can even try and begin to have a relationship with someone of any substance and meaning.
I wish you luck. This may very well be the hardest thing you have to do in your life time, but it also may be the best thing that could happen since it will help you to grow and be the person you were born to be. Live in truth and love and one day it will all come back to you.
Read the advice below, too. You have the opportunity to become the person of your dreams.
Dear Kellie,
Hypothetically speaking, what would your advice be to a 46 year old, moderately attractive and modestly intelligent woman who just can't seem to bring herself to go out there and find a social life? How does one find self confidence, and silence (or at least turn down the volume) on all that negative chatter in her head? Am I, er is she, destined to live out her life alone for fear of rejection?
Sincerely,
Future Spinster in NJ
Dear Future,
My heart really goes out to you. Pushing through old insecurities can be extremely difficult, but necessary to insure our happiness.
First things first, work on loving who you are, your talents, your special-ness, what makes you completely unique. Write down all the things that make you wonderfully different than anyone else you have ever met.List talents, quirks, anything that others find lovable about you. If you get stuck, call a friend or family member for help. I am sure they will be more than happy to tell you all the things they love about you.
Next, list all the things you love to do. Do you like the outdoors, camping, hiking, boating, that sort of thing, or maybe you like the theater, music, singing. Do you bike ride, jog, needle point, sew, write letters, read? Whatever makes you happy write it down.
The above is a way to take the time to get to know you.
If you could have any life available to you, what would it look like? Skip the relationship part for now and focus in on what you want. Describe on paper exactly what your "perfect life" would look like.
Let the last section of this describe what you want in a mate, if that truly is what you are looking for in order for your "perfect life" to be perfect.
Fold a piece of paper in half and list all the qualities on one side you would like your mate to have. On the other side list all the deal breakers, the things you are fairly certain you could not handle. Be specific about what you want and don't want. Remember, the devil is in the details. Keep the list with you, so when you start to go out, you have a constant reference. I did this and it kept me from staying in relationships too long, just because I was forever trying to be polite and nice.
O.K., once you have finished your homework, find a single activity you want to do and schedule it. It doesn't have to be something drastic. Dip your toe into the social scene, allowing yourself the time to strengthen your new resolve that you are fun, talented and worth spending time with. If you read, join a book club, if you sing, join a choir, if you bike ride, go online to see if there are rides scheduled near you (this may take some training on your part, but the endorphins will help you feel happier). Volunteer in a literacy program, helping kids. Find a single activity that you can do now. Make it a priority; make you a priority. Take care of you as if you were taking care of your best friend. Just don't let you off the hook from following through. If necessary, call a friend and tell them what day and time your new social activity is on. Ask them to call you the day before and "remind" you to go.
I realize how terrifying it can be to go out, especially if you have isolated yourself. Know this, everybody feels those insecurities on some level. You are not alone in this, however, it is damaging to be ruled by them.
You determine your worth.Isn't that wonderful? You get to decide who you are and what your life looks like.There is real power in this. By getting to truly know you as a person, with a beating heart and beautiful mind, you have the opportunity to design your life as you see fit.
My experience is, if we engage ourselves with other people, they tend to bring out the best in us. I think this happens because most folks will see the good in us, that we are blinded to. By joining one group, or participating in one activity, this generally lends itself to expanding your circle and will continue to grow as long as you allow.
The joy of seeing the world, meeting new people is waiting for you to come out of hiding. Come on in, the water is fine.
Good luck and know you can do this.
I lied to my boyfriend and told him I was pregnant in order to trap him into marriage. After we married I faked a miscarriage by pretending to fall down the stairs. He now wants a divorce. What can I do to keep him and prove t...o him that I really do love him?
Miserable in Massachusetts
PS love your column!!!
Dear Miserable,
It is unfortunate that while you say you love your boyfriend, you have chosen to live a lie instead of just being yourself. I believe real love takes the courage to be yourself, investing your very precious time in being honest, kind and understanding of both of your needs. By lying to him, you have shown him that immaturity, deceit, and selfishness are the primary personality traits that you own and offer.
The only way to show him that you truly love him now, is to tell him the truth and let him go if necessary. You need to do the work and grow up before you can offer anyone anything in this life. He will never "complete you"; you need to be whole when you enter an adult relationship. 1+1=2, not 1. Tell him the truth, he deserves better from you. If he still wants out, then give him the divorce. This is the exact instance when "It is better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all."
Telling him the truth will show him that you have changed, grown and are owning up to your mistakes. That is the only way you can even try and begin to have a relationship with someone of any substance and meaning.
I wish you luck. This may very well be the hardest thing you have to do in your life time, but it also may be the best thing that could happen since it will help you to grow and be the person you were born to be. Live in truth and love and one day it will all come back to you.
Read the advice below, too. You have the opportunity to become the person of your dreams.
Dear Kellie,
Hypothetically speaking, what would your advice be to a 46 year old, moderately attractive and modestly intelligent woman who just can't seem to bring herself to go out there and find a social life? How does one find self confidence, and silence (or at least turn down the volume) on all that negative chatter in her head? Am I, er is she, destined to live out her life alone for fear of rejection?
Sincerely,
Future Spinster in NJ
Dear Future,
My heart really goes out to you. Pushing through old insecurities can be extremely difficult, but necessary to insure our happiness.
First things first, work on loving who you are, your talents, your special-ness, what makes you completely unique. Write down all the things that make you wonderfully different than anyone else you have ever met.List talents, quirks, anything that others find lovable about you. If you get stuck, call a friend or family member for help. I am sure they will be more than happy to tell you all the things they love about you.
Next, list all the things you love to do. Do you like the outdoors, camping, hiking, boating, that sort of thing, or maybe you like the theater, music, singing. Do you bike ride, jog, needle point, sew, write letters, read? Whatever makes you happy write it down.
The above is a way to take the time to get to know you.
If you could have any life available to you, what would it look like? Skip the relationship part for now and focus in on what you want. Describe on paper exactly what your "perfect life" would look like.
Let the last section of this describe what you want in a mate, if that truly is what you are looking for in order for your "perfect life" to be perfect.
Fold a piece of paper in half and list all the qualities on one side you would like your mate to have. On the other side list all the deal breakers, the things you are fairly certain you could not handle. Be specific about what you want and don't want. Remember, the devil is in the details. Keep the list with you, so when you start to go out, you have a constant reference. I did this and it kept me from staying in relationships too long, just because I was forever trying to be polite and nice.
O.K., once you have finished your homework, find a single activity you want to do and schedule it. It doesn't have to be something drastic. Dip your toe into the social scene, allowing yourself the time to strengthen your new resolve that you are fun, talented and worth spending time with. If you read, join a book club, if you sing, join a choir, if you bike ride, go online to see if there are rides scheduled near you (this may take some training on your part, but the endorphins will help you feel happier). Volunteer in a literacy program, helping kids. Find a single activity that you can do now. Make it a priority; make you a priority. Take care of you as if you were taking care of your best friend. Just don't let you off the hook from following through. If necessary, call a friend and tell them what day and time your new social activity is on. Ask them to call you the day before and "remind" you to go.
I realize how terrifying it can be to go out, especially if you have isolated yourself. Know this, everybody feels those insecurities on some level. You are not alone in this, however, it is damaging to be ruled by them.
You determine your worth.Isn't that wonderful? You get to decide who you are and what your life looks like.There is real power in this. By getting to truly know you as a person, with a beating heart and beautiful mind, you have the opportunity to design your life as you see fit.
My experience is, if we engage ourselves with other people, they tend to bring out the best in us. I think this happens because most folks will see the good in us, that we are blinded to. By joining one group, or participating in one activity, this generally lends itself to expanding your circle and will continue to grow as long as you allow.
The joy of seeing the world, meeting new people is waiting for you to come out of hiding. Come on in, the water is fine.
Good luck and know you can do this.
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