I Finally Saw the Trees

In the past several months, I had felt a little lost. I knew I was on a definitive path, but was it the right one? I am not good at being unsure. I like to feel the certainty of knowing whether the outcome is good or bad, I am on the right path. I had been feeling that while I had been lost in the forest of indecision, I hadn't been able to see the trees. Until, recently...

There is a scripture many people use for their wedding, " I am my beloveds, and my beloved is mine". The priest or minister then rambles on about two becoming one, which by the way is physically, emotionally, mathematically and categorically impossible, and then they kiss, sealing their everlasting love, until death do they part or somebody better comes along. Let's face it, marriage hasn't exactly had the best reputation, as of late.

I was thinking about my beloved, Michael. We are facing a giant "Y" in the road and we look to each other to get us through all the big decisions that are coming straight at us. I have had to face some fairly unpleasant truths about myself in the past months and am being forced to once again, reinvent myself. I know I am not my job, but I have struggled with what and who I am with no "real" job to bolster my self esteem. My family tells me I am a writer. I feel that all the way to my bones, however, I am not making a salary that could support a pet let alone myself, so the idea that writing is my job is sightly strange to me. Besides, I love to write, so it doesn't feel like work, and I am used to jobs which are painful, time sucking, endless battles. If I am not a nurse, not a massage therapist, not a worker outside the confines of my own abode, then who am I?

My beloved, Michael, thinks of me as a writer. He speaks often to me in hushed tones about my "gift". He supports me emotionally and physically, just so I have the opportunity to do what I love. He is unique that way. He never gives up, regardless of how pessimistic I am or how fatalistic my view. Usually, I am the childlike hopeful one, unless it pertains to me. Then watch out! I am able to on a moments notice wipe out every good thing I have ever done and turn myself into a martyr, so misunderstood, so larger than life that it would make the Pope cry. It's all so ridiculous! My beloved sees me for exactly who I am and nothing more or less. I am a better person because of my Michael. I will do things, because he is in my life, that I would never attempt on my own. I work harder at being a better person, needing no other reason than to make him proud, or keep him from feeling humiliated, which ever seems the most necessary.

This all made me realize something that on a gut level I have always known. I may not be the person I used to be. I may have to start over in the middle of the game, and I may have to redefine who I am on a work level, but this I know to be true. I am my beloveds and my beloved is mine. Being Michael's wife is enough for me. Knowing how lucky I am to be married to my very best friend, my secret keeper, my lover, well, it's rare these days. What Michael and I have is as rare as any diamond, precious as any piece of gold, and as spectacular as any miracle. I have been married before. I know lots of married people. I know only a handful of truly happy married people. These people wake up every day, just like I do, amazed that they have been so blessed. That really is how I feel about Michael. It has been like winning the love lottery. I realize that the person I have become and am continuing to become would never exist without my beloved. He is my anchor in the storms, my pillow at the end of a long day and sometimes my conscience, when I have lost my way. I had never thought being any body's wife would be that important, more important than who I was as an individual, but being Michael's wife has made me a better person across the board.

Feel free and address me as Mrs. Michael Gregg, anytime you want. It's the best title I have ever had.