No Ifs, Ands, or Guts

I have been trying to let go and let God. The "why?" is still looming large, with no answer or logic. Logic is what I have come to depend on in my own decision making, sometimes to my own demise. I listen to my gut when logic is nowhere to be seen, but I fear that may be the wrong approach. I am beginning to understand that logic, my logic, should be reserved for the times when my gut has gone quiet. So much of what my eyes see and my ears take in is illogical, so why I am depending on something that is virtually nonexistent in my tactile world? It's the nurse in me, I suppose, who depends on symptoms, when I think this is the time to depend more on signs. Signs and symptoms are what all nurses depend on in order to make the best possible decision, usually in the most dire circumstances, but I am not seeing all the signs, because I am bogged down with symptoms. Here is what mean, I will see an angry student, hear them insult me, watch their face contort, feel the unpleasantness of their proximity, but I am missing the sign of their actual distress. They are not angry at me, hell, they do not even know me. They are fearful of how they are going to pay their bills. The signs all point to fear and anxiety. While they feel they have no time to take a breath and think things through, the truth is I have all the time in the world to do that in order to help them because I am outside the situation. I am learning this lesson everyday. It's one thing to listen, but to take in what someone is saying, really see them beyond their exterior facade, well, I am learning to do that with my contemporaries like I used to have to do with my old folks. That is the thing about the elderly and children when you work in medicine; they usually are unable to verbally express their concerns, so I used to be dependent on other senses, my gut, for instance, in figuring out the best way to help them. Since I have been retired I have gotten sloppy. I may even have gotten more judgmental, which I find to be unacceptable. Who am I to judge someone for their decisions, barring any great acts of violence, when I am clearly just as human, just as flawed, just as insecure as the next person? So I made the decision to actively be reticent to judge, to shy away from knee jerk responses from myself, as well as others. It takes practice and lots of it. Anger is an easy out. Being a terminal victim is an easy out, an uncomfortable one, but it is the path least resistance, and in the end will stunt personal growth, possibly for a lifetime. It's time for me to not think things through, but to feel my way. I have thought things to death over the last year and have not come up with what I feel to be an acceptable path to follow. So if thinking is off the table then feeling, following my senses, getting out of the way of myself, is the next step to finding out where I am going. It's not my first time at this rodeo. My last one had me falling on my ass more often than not, but I will say, I tried so many things I had been scared of because I let the logical cat out of the bag. Here is the scarier question I have been asking myself, "Have I taught my children to deduce their way, through logical and critical thinking, into a place of fear, instead of joyful leaping? Have I taught them to be so careful, that they no longer see the merit in spontaneity?" I have thought about that a lot since my youngest son moved out. Did I talk at him so long about the possible consequences that I ignored his need for adventure and willingness to accept the risk? And what of the saying, "with great risk comes great reward?" Oh my... You see with all the book learning I have done, with all the constant feeding of my brain, I may have forgotten to feed the rest of me, therefore starving my kids gut feelings as well. So there it is, my next step in learning may very well be not in a book, or classroom, but rather by listening to others, without judgment, and listening to my own body as it attempts to speak up even when I try and drown it out with logic. What Michael and I are experiencing is unpleasant, at best, but what if I am to take this time to focus on things I need in order to feed me? What if he is in this experience to find out where he wants to go in the near future (uh, with me in tow, of course)? What if the lesson is not about his job, or moving, or even if we have been grateful enough, a ridiculous thought for us at this point, but rather to take our individual selves to the next level, meeting once again together on a higher plane, one that does not have a company logo on it? I like it, this idea that I will not have to think so hard, so much about an insurmountable problem I cannot solve. So far today, by following my gut and not getting all anxiety ridden about real estate, job changes and kids, I have gotten more accomplished than I have in weeks. By letting go of my problems, by following instinct rather than thought process, I have gotten to the store, done laundry, walked the dogs, taken the recycling to the center, spent time outside reading a gardening magazine and written this blog. My gut says to go easy on me, my plate is full, so I shall. My gut full of fresh produce, is now wanting to spend time at the pool, soak up some sun, read a book later, clean out the fridge and pack my lunch for work tomorrow. My gut says things will be fine, eventually. My inner instinct tells me I have been through worse, and this time alone should not be wasted crying because it exists. So the next time someone comes at me all crazy, calling me thoughtless, my response will be, "I know, right? Isn't it marvelous?"