Humilty or Humiliation?

I just reread my last blog. It made me cry. Not because I am still feeling sorry for myself, but rather that I felt so bad about being me. It hasn't been easy these last few months and yet I can't help but feel there is something bigger at play here. I feel as though I may be in a defining moment. That is what hard times for me are-defining moments, where I have to choose to be better or be gone. Being gone has never been something I have actively wanted for any real length of time. I have wanted to run away a few times, like a hobo with a sack at the end of a stick getting no farther than my driveway, but I have never really wanted to be permanently gone from my life no matter how weird things got.

They have make-up now where you can buy hope in a jar. The idea is cute. We have asked for it for years and now we can have it, or so they say. Real hope comes from times like what I am going through right now, where I am having to redefine my life professionally and it is affecting my personal life dramatically. Starting over isn't easy. I have started over a few times now and I can honestly say, it is not easy, but it is so worth it when I get to the other side. My hope is to be patient and not do anything incredibly stupid while I am in flux. I feel my bones and muscles stretching one more time as I wait for the clouds to part. I am definitely having growing pains. One thing I have learned is that I am not 100% sure I was as grateful for my crappy jobs as I should have been. I got cocky and didn't take the time to be grateful that I had a job, even if it was a crappy one. Of course, hindsight is 20-20. Now I can see how very clearly that I should have been more grateful at the time. That isn't to say I should have stayed longer than I did. Had I altered that course, I would have never wrote the book and the outlines for the next three books to come. Writing would have remained a distant dream and the notebooks would still be covered in dust. Also, I wouldn't have the opportunity to be writing a blog, something I had originally never aspired to. Who knew I would like it so much? It is the Butterfly effect. One domino falls and the rest go in time. Grateful for the crappy jobs means at the time, being immersed in the moment at hand.

Here's what I am grateful for today: I am grateful I have two hands that still work. I am grateful that although my eye sight is fading I can still see the faces of the people I love and watch the dogs and bratty cats play. I can dream another, bigger dream if I so choose, and I so do! It ain't over until the fat girl sings and I am not yodeling yet. Today I am all about Sunday, full immersed, bathing in the hours as if they were sunlight. I am going to watch the clock and will the minutes to feel like hours. I am going to sit my butt down and make a list of all the things I want to do today that will make me happy. Today I will remember that being humble is something I need like air, but humiliation is a waste of time, when I could be doing something I love, say, like writing.