Those He Left Behind

It's July 16, a prominent day for my family, Danny's birthday. He would have been 52 years old had he lived. It's been almost fourteen years since he died. That anniversary will come up on September 27. I can't help but feel like he has missed a lifetime of events, accomplishments and failures. I have no idea what the impact of him would have continued to be on our lives. I know that had he still been around, my life would have turned out very different, not necessarily better, but absolutely different. I am not sure if I would have remarried or to whom, I know we would not have moved to Texas, maybe I would still live in the Cleveland area, right where I was when he died. It is the butterfly effect on steroids. The kids lives would have been so different, too. One hand they would never known the pain of losing their father so young, but they would not have the same empathy for others, either. They would have felt more secure about their lives, but maybe they would have missed out knowing the strength of their resolve. The best quote I have ever heard was told to Larry King by Anderson Cooper, both of whom had lost their fathers at a young age. Anderson admitted to not knowing the source, but the quote is, "Fatherless children think all things are possible and nothing is safe."
I have never heard of a better quote to describe the inner feelings of my children. Today marks one of the two anniversaries of the time they discovered that feeling and how much they were changed by it.
Once only a few years after their father died, a person considerably older, who should have known better said in front them, "Why can't they just get over it already?" That person had lost their father as an adult and didn't even realize how much they talked about their own father, showing their own continuing grief. All I could say then and all I can say now is, "Because you never get over the death of one of the only two parents you will ever have."
It's true that they will never "get over it", but it will be what they choose to do with their lives in honor of his memory that will determine if they survived it or not.
Michael is a great step-dad, there is no debate in my house about that. Them missing their father, with all of his unconditional love and living DNA, proof of their existence, will not diminish the effect Michael has had on their lives. But even Michael knows that a blended family can never replace the original one. It's why I love Michael so much, he never tries to diminish anyone's role in our family. Where some might try and control or claim ownership of their family, he allows room enough for everyone. He is extraordinary that way, the way he opens his heart, the way he includes Danny without insecurity or competition. Everyone in our family has a role to play.
I never know from year to year how this day will go. The kids, gown and scattered, will decide for themselves or maybe just get hit with whatever emotion bubbles up. They will see the date, bow their head for a moment and keep walking forward regardless of how they feel, just like they have done all of their lives. Some years the tears sit just inside the brims of their lower lids, quivering, readying to fall, and some years they do not mention it once, wanting the pain to subside on it's own. Some years we sit ad talk about their father, his wicked smart wit, his ability to build everything, his strong back and legs able to carry the heaviest load and the smallest child, and his endless love for them. The latter is what gets me through, his never ending love for his children, the way he looked at and after them.
Today, it is what it is. Whatever comes up today, I will think back on the love that he had for our children, the way he smiled at them, the way he carried them to bed at night, the way he laughed loud and hard when they were silly, the way he cried when they were born because he could not believe his own eyes. I believe he sees them still, that his love so deep, so profound cannot be changed by death or distance. I believe he smiles knowing they are growing, changing, becoming incredible people in part because they are his children.