What’s the hardest thing in the world to do? Why, it’s keeping your temper in check.
That’s what it is for me, anyway. I’ve always had a bit of a short fuse. And in telling you this I BEG you:
• Please don’t assume I’m proud of it. I’m not.
• Please don’t think I’m looking for an excuse for previous rants. The fact is, nearly every time I have one, guilt sets in almost immediately. Even when I’m “right.”
• Please don’t think I think being “right” matters. It almost never does.
But I think maybe every one of us has this gene or gland or organ or “short fuse” or something inside of us that allows us to measure our rightness. For now, I will just call it the Darn Thing. On every issue, the Darn Thing lets us decide that, when one of our opinions or attitudes is challenged, is it worth having a go at the challenger over?
And the Darn Thing gives us, like, maybe two seconds to make that choice. Tell me, what’s your success rate at decisions you make in two seconds? Mine sucks.
A bad success rate at these kinds of decisions ensures that you (meaning me, of course) are at times embroiled in arguments. And that you (meaning me again) are occasionally at risk of losing friends and opportunities – no matter how badly you (meaning me one more time) value being loved. I DO value being loved. Or maybe understood. Or maybe respected. Or something else that gives a guy warm fuzzies.
I’m generally a personable type. I like to meet people, and I like to talk to them, and I like to listen to them. I learn a lot of stuff that way, you know, from listening. But I’ve been told I have a bit of a Dark Side, or a bit of a Short Fuse, or a bit of Being Too Serious. Whatever it is, it’s my Darn Thing. Somebody says something that tweaks me just the right way, and rather than seeking understanding like a civilized human being, I’ll come back with some kind of (what I think is a) snappy rejoinder that tweaks THEM just the right way. And the argument starts. And it just goes on.
This might also happen when I need for people to do something for me that puts them to some inconvenience. For instance, the downstairs tenants were parked in the garage one time – and I pay for the garage, such as it is, as part of my rent. So I told them this and they said: “Well, WTF! That was someone else’s space before you moved in; now it’s our turn.” And the Darn Thing lit up. We didn’t speak again, those tenants and me, until they broke their lease and moved.
I’m going to tell you what I must do to gain control over my Darn Thing. Sure, this is in the hope that you can gain control over yours as well. But telling you this will also provide me a kind of outlet – it will make my newly-acquired self-knowledge real.
The Darn Thing is something that lights up, i.e. by means of a spark. I have treated it up to this point as a fuse, like on a stick of dynamite, because that’s how it has worked for me most times up to now. It’s a thing with a wick. But there’s something else that has a wick: a candle. Either way, the wick is combustible; and at the end of the burn something happens. We’ve got a choice in how to handle the spark that lights our Darn Thing. We can either see our Darn Thing as something that takes a spark and leads to an explosion – a large, quick release of energy – or we can see it as something that takes a spark and leads to a small, steady flame. We’ve (meaning ME again, for pity’s sake) got a choice between heat and light. It’s our choice.
The release of heat can lead to lost or damaged friendships, or lost or damaged perspectives people have toward you.
The release of light can lead to enhanced understanding, for you and everyone exposed to it.
I know which of the two I’d rather have. I also know I don’t always get it.
So how do we consciously choose to have our Darn Thing give off more light than heat? Here’s the hard part, because it requires commitments from me – and will from you too. Tell ya what I’m gonna do:
1. I want to give off light every day. So I’m going to put some light inside me every day. I will read something or listen to something that enlightens me.
2. Then I’m not going to turn around and just spit what’s working on me back to the rest of the world. What they need is not exactly what I need. Instead, I’m going to consider the NEEDS of anyone I can get close enough to, for long enough. And I’m going to do what I can to meet a need, every day. That thought is going out the door with me.
3. Then I’m not going to GO out the door until I have a plan. I’m not going to be anywhere during the day where I’m not sure exactly what to do next. Even when it’s time for a break, I’ll take a break because it’s time, not because I have no idea what to do next. If I don’t know what to do, I’ll forget something, and that will make me stress.
4. Then I’m going to be careful to avoid stress situations, where I actually have the power to do so. That way I can concentrate more on the light I have to give off, and not allow my Darn Thing to go hot.
5. Then at the end of the day I’m going to take stock for a few minutes, and think about what I could improve on tomorrow. We can always improve, right?
Yeah, that’s all in the plan now. And I wrote it down to help it all to become real.
I wanna control my Darn Thing, and for you to control yours. So you wish me luck, hey? And I’ll do same for you.
My most important clue for keeping the Darn Thing from exploding - Don't hit the enter key (post, send, etc) when you're mad. Hit the SAVE key and come back later and see if you really want to send that email or post that comment. Sometimes just typing (or venting) helps, and I really didn't want to blast the receipent that way. Or maybe I do want to respond, but maybe there is a better or more understanding/gentle way of saying it....
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