Thursday, September 30, 2010

Splitting Heirs


This blog is dedicated to my sister, Kim, who to my knowledge, has NEVER known how truly beautiful she is.

Growing up I had one sister, older who had the same blond hair and blue eyes. She has a combination of my parents much like I do, only organized in a different way. Everyone, who had ever seen her, said she was beautiful. Kim had a way of lighting up a room when she entered. I on the other hand stumbled in, tripped over the carpet and plopped into my seat. Kim had a sort of grace about her, while I had, well, the opposite of that. My father innocently said we were Beauty and the Beast. I think, by the introduction you can discern who was who. While my sister had beauty, brains and athleticism, I had sheer will and brawn. It is not to say I wasn't attractive in my own right, but we were so very different, it put people in the unique position of trying to "figure" us out. If she were the beauty, then I must be something different. I got the message very early on in my life that my destiny was not to be the girlie-girl of the family.
Frequently, at school, teachers would look at the two of us and tell me I should try and be as smart as my sister. Why didn't I dress nice like Kim or why did I have to be so surly? The answer, which I learned, thanks to modern day therapy, came to me much later in life. Had I known why I was the way I was back then, I would have had a better appreciation for my sister and all of her many talents instead of running the opposite way as fast and hard as I could.
Mother, as I call her when she has done something I totally disagree with, dressed as identical twins whenever we were out in public. Being young and quite literally small minded, I thought it was to show how beautiful Kim was and how "different" I was. In my head the question became, "See? Even if they are dressed exactly alike, I can't get the little one to look as good, or behave as well."
Mom told me later the actual reason she did it was so that if one of us went missing she could point to the other and say, "She looks like that." Years later I used the idea with my own kids, dressing them in the same color, just in case.
Teachers would compare Kim and my abilities in school and be utterly disappointed that I was not the same kind of student. Kim got "A's" while I floundered getting "C's". I was average, and since Kim was obviously above average, it translated to many that I was less. I got called lazy, stupid, and eventually learning disabled. I was labeled as broken because my sister had proved, two years prior to my arrival at that particular grade, that my family had intelligence.
Boys dated me to get to my sister. This part of growing up really hurt the most. My self esteem took a direct blow to my heart when this happened. It also pushed me to date guys that were "bad boys" who took no interest in my sister or her good grades and cheer leading ways.
Most folks didn't realize that they were putting a wedge between my sister and I. They were, in fact, splitting heirs.
When high school rolled around for us, Kim went off to Panama to study for the year and I went on about the business of trying to figure out exactly who I was. As days flew by I discovered I was the band and choir geek. I love music and performing on stage was exciting for me. I discovered that not only was I never supposed to be a cheer leader, but I was destined to be a supporting player on the field, blowing the fight song during every good play. I also found out I was smart. I didn't have the kind of intelligence that Kim had, but I was smart in my own right. It had been there all along, but I had been so preoccupied with listening to what others had to say, I had stopped thinking for myself.
A million and a half years later, I was on the phone with my sister listening to her, I realized she never thought she was the Heir and I was the Spare. She had thought I was more comfortable in my skin, than she had ever been. She spoke of longing to have things I had. She had felt that she were forced to be good all the time, while I was the wild child. I couldn't help but feel very sorry for us, both mired in others expectations, unconsciously competing, while running away from the other at the same time. I will qualify that "others" did not include my parents.
When we were young, we competed in The Cherry Blossom Queen contest. Kim got first runner up. I didn't even place. I was so extraordinarily bad at the beauty contest thing, people didn't realize we were related. Once again we were pitted against each other in direct competition, but this time it was different. I knew that I had a snowballs chance in Texas of ever winning. I also knew Kim had a great chance of taking home the prize. This was her thing, where she could excel and I would flounder. If they had had a musical to audition for, I was a shoe in, but standing gracefully, smiling, while talking intelligently was not my gig. It was the first time I didn't care that she won and I flopped.
Kim, to this day, does not recognize what others see in her. She still doesn't see the light that comes from her face shooting out of her eyes, allowing for a glow when she enters the room. She doesn't understand when people feel daunted by her photogenic mind, impressive intelligence and graceful way she uses her hands to wave about as she talks to make her point. But we all, who know her, get it. I don't compete with Kim anymore. I haven't in years. There is no need to prove to others that I am equal to my older sibling. We are still very much Beauty and the Beast. I have a fierce a personality and nobody ever questions where I stand on things. Kim still owns her quiet beauty, even if she is totally unaware. We are both smart, quick, and affable.
Although, I do think I am funnier. It's my over compensation for not getting to wear a Cherry Blossom crown.

3 comments:

  1. Kellie, this story is more common than not!!
    I have 6 sisters, only one younger than I.
    We could tell this same story...just change the names!!
    Thanks for the great post!

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  2. Kellie, WOW! I think you hit the nail on the head with me and Lisa. I think that the teachers in school always compared us. I think that our parents each had their "favorite" even it they didn't say we were. I longed to have the friends and fun that she had, because I felt like I always had to be this "good girl". I have tears welling up in my eyes as I write this. How different we were and maybe still are. But we will fight you tooth and nail all the way if you hurt or harm one of us. My brothers included. Lisa and I were both in the Cherry Blossom Queen contest. I was first runner up and I don't think she was "up there" either. I was Student Council Chaplain in Jr. High and I think she was in SC too, but I don't remember what officer she was. Everyone knew her. They knew me by name or look. I may not have known peoples' names,but I rememeber faces. I hated high school. I never felt like I fit in. Lisa and I were both intelligient in our own ways. She once said to me sometime after I was married the first time, that "Dad talks to you differntly than he talks to me." I never thought about that much until she said that. I think he talks to her differently than he talks to me now. I am floundering in my life where I think she seems to me, to be doing well. I have let myself go....unknown where I have gone to, but I am trying to get "myself" back, whomever I may be. What a beautiul tribute to your sister Kim. It says alot about you and who you are Kellie, and I thank you. Love, Stephanie

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  3. I loved reading this one because it brought back memories of growing up on the same side of Barberton with you and your sister. I remember Kim was (and still is) pretty, popular, and outgoing. She also was (and is) a very positive and mature young woman. I admired her for how she brought out the best in her friends.

    I also remember you with GREAT fondness and excitement. I don't know if you remember, but when you were in 7th grade (and I was in 9th) at Portage Junior High we "went steady" for a couple weeks. To me, you were outgoing and popular at school. And being your friend was a gift that I will ALWAYS cherish. I don't know what other kids thought of me during Junior High, but I always felt nervous around girls and awkward when I was with them. But with your ability to be assertive (and a little aggressive), you made me feel special, loved and that I had something that girls liked. I especially remember that Saturday afternoon when you invited me to your house, and we sat on the sofa and "watched" television together. Thanks for sharing this post. Your giftedness in writing helps me to remember the good ole' days when we were young. Love...

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