If You Have Nothing Nice To Say

My mother often said "If you have nothing nice to say, then say nothing." Well, lately I have had nothing nice to say. I could rant and rave about the insurmountable pile of crap we have been dealing with in my household, the stress pressing so hard on us it gets difficult to breathe at times, or I could just shut my pie hole. I opted for shutting my pie hole. Bad stuff happens. It just does, it's what I do with it in the end that really matters. It's a lesson I have repeated to my kids over and over and over. Life isn't going to be easy breezy. When dealing with other human beings, sometimes what they show you is that people are crap. Last week people from every direction decided to show me that are crap. My only real job when someone shows me their true character is to believe them. I had reacted in my usual trusting way and tried to help only to find myself in the very awkward position of being totally wrong. We got robbed by internet and my youngest son got mugged. It was one thing toppling on to another thing that about did me in. Thoroughly beaten up, I dragged my sorry ass home and spent the weekend licking my wounds. I went into the bathroom and caught a glimpse of my face. Large bags hung beneath my eyes, my face was pale and my lovely genetically enhanced jowls hung down nearly to the sink. I felt exactly how I looked. I was a perfect match in every way. Our uncertainty, so many jobs hanging in the balance is not helping. Where will end up, will we be able to make it, at what point will the strain of all this finally break the camel's back? Beats the hell out of me. Literally, it is beating the hell out of me. If there is a purpose to all things, then what is the purpose of all this at once? The timing of all the crap coming down the pike here is uncanny. I suppose if we only had a few things to deal with, then maybe, just maybe it wouldn't feel as though we are being attacked and we wouldn't want to take it all personally. But it isn't a few things, it's a large sum of the individual parts that make up our existence that seem to be coming apart. Jobs, home, kids, even the animals have things that are completely off kilter. With few resources left over and no where to hide, I hid from here, from writing, from discussing events or life in general. I write about my life in real terms in real time. So shouldn't I be writing about all this? Part of me thinks not. Negative breeds negative, so I kept thinking it was time to back out and back away from social media and all things interweb. What I am lacking right now in this time is perspective. It was suggested to me that I look for people who have it worse, but I must confess to you that I think that is a horrible idea when I am in a bad place. I have no desire to see other horrific, unjust, over whelming sob stories of folks who have it so much worse. That doesn't make me feel better, it makes me feel hopeless. So what to do, what to do? The perspective I was looking for were the happy ending kind. The "this too shall pass" kind where people find happiness out of tragedy, hope out of injury and triumph out of defeat. If not for those stories, I believe we would all be a little worse off. Here's what I know for sure: Not everybody has good intentions, there are those who are out to hurt you if they can gain something from it. But if I allow it to change me, make me cynical, make me feel as though doing the right things are the wrong answer then I am compounding my mistakes and rewarding their bad behavior. I am not always sure if everything has a reason, at the time it is happening, but I know from past experience that if I wait, with my pie hole firmly clamped down, then I can find some good out of the worst situation. But that takes time, it takes patience and waiting and an inner uncompromising integrity to do the right thing regardless of what others do. It takes strength and stamina and perseverance. It takes more time than social media allows for. I am not instant coffee. I am probably closer to the slow drip of a French press. My answers can't be Googled, they have to be experienced in a slow manner set with intention. Needless to say, I have no idea what will happen in the next week. I would pay good money to find out how this all turns out. It's been weeks for somethings and months for others and still years for other results to pour in. I sit and wait as if observing the election results to witness results to questions long ago asked without answer.Yep, this past week was a doozie, a real pip. It sucked long and hard as my college friends would say. Having been caught in the cross fire of some and the cross hairs of others just waiting to hit us again, I finally broke my own silence. Not wanting to become a product of my environment, I am not sure when I will write again. I would hate to think I am one of those who bitches online just to hear my own voice. That is one kind of validation I don't need. What I like to think will happen is if I allow things to do what they need, all will be revealed in time. Today, silence is not only golden, it is platinum, silver and copper. I have had it worse. I have seen and experienced unspeakable acts, so this is not the worst thing to ever happen to me, or us. It is something that has had lasting effects and seems to be without end. So I am tired, but the other thing I know for sure is a hot bath, a good night's sleep and and my soon to appear perspective will put things to right again.