Moving On...

For whatever reason, I am seeing all kinds of signs, but am truly confused as to what they mean. For instance, I saw an owl that I wrote about awhile back. I hadn't seen any owls for the 6 years we lived here and all of a sudden there one was staring directly at me. The other day I was driving to pick up my son, when on the side of the road there was another owl sitting on the ground. He looked directly at me as I drove past him. I thought it was really strange to see two of them so close together, but again, I have no idea what it all means.
I have had weird signs like that for months. If the signs are supposed to mean something, I am definitely not getting the message. For now, I tuck all the little inclinations to the back of my mind and wait for the answer to reveal itself. In the mean time, I am busy doing what needs to be done.
Jane Austin wrote, "Give me an occupation, or I shall go mad!" I understand that completely. As I spend my time packing up boxes, it began to dawn on me that my occupations great and small are coming to an end. I began to panic. I am no longer a mother to "children". I am no longer a nurse, a massage therapist or even a writer for now. All things are on the back burner until we get settled into our new digs. I don't even have a house to work on. Once the book was done, Michael and I decided to sell the house and I gave myself the occupation of renovating our space. Even that job is done and our new place is a rental I cannot change or fix.
I am prepared to do what I can do secure some type of occupation, but I freely admit that I am more than a little nervous. Being a nurse or whatever license I held at the time was easy. I would apply for jobs and they would slip into my fingers and off to work I would go. My "careers" were neither brilliant nor boring, they just were. I feel the shift internally. I am not feeling lost as I once did, but I know for certain I am not on a predestined road, either.
For now my job is to pack up our belongings and get ready to move. I am diligently working on wrapping things up in paper and bubble wrap, then tightly packing every box, carefully lifting with my legs, to check the weight of each one. Once we are securely in our apartment I will have the job of finding my next occupation. Many folks have asked Mike and I what we are going to do about his job, my job, finding a house, and on and on. We have no idea. We have come to accept that we are not supposed to know any answers today, tomorrow or even after that. Every day we wake up and face the immediate, doing what needs to done this day, this week, looking no further into the future, because we just don't know anything yet.
I am keeping my eyes open for anything might be telling on where we are headed. I like security as much as the next guy, but this is the first time in my life I am completely at a loss. Breathing is my only certainty, that and we have a roof over our heads, which we weren't sure we were going to have. I am grateful for our apartment and the opportunity to sit back and let things unfold. There have only been s very few times when I have had the opportunity of time. Maybe, that is in itself the sign. I can't remember the last time I didn't have a mortgage and yard to mow. Mike and I have dreamed of a time when we would be able to take bike rides, hike through trails and lay by a pool with no worries of house stuff and huge electric bills. This is what we have for now. We have been calling our apartment, our vacation cottage. We laugh at the idea when something breaks, we call the super and wait for him to bring his tool box, while we go off and do something else. It's weird to think that kids will be off living their respective lives, showing up for the occasional refrigerator raid and sleeping space. Our lives are all changing. People who once came regularly to the house are off and gone, having moved on. We are in a different space in our lives and taking our first steps, as if we were infants, trying to find our bearings.
It is exciting in a way, but we are no different from anyone who faces big change and are scared. It is normal to feel unsure and shaky. Once I am done packing up our stuff, it will be time to pack up our emotional baggage too, so that we don't let any unnecessary weight drag us down. The last thing I want to take with us on our new journey is an anchor.
I will not lie and say I have handled all of this change brilliantly and seamlessly. I haven't handled things well all the time at all. What I am learning to do is let go. I am prying my controlling fingers off our future one at a time. I have learned to breathe through things and not fall spectacularly apart. We bicker, we don't fight. We talk instead of argue and we take lots and lots of deep breaths. I at first thought it was ridiculous to be 47 years old in this position of not knowing anything. I had thought this was the time when I would feel settled and entrenched into my life. And then God laughed...I do think I would not have handled things better when I was younger. Maybe that is the very reason it is happening now, because I am mature enough not to completely panic and go off the deep end. That is one sign I am pretty sure I understand.
I don't know why I am seeing owls. I certainly don't feel wise in all of this, so that is a mystery I will have to wait to see the meaning. I think the bigger answer to any questions I have is I don't need all the information right now.
All I do need is a few pieces of comfortable seating, beds and my family. Oh, and an internet connection, so that I can continue to blog.