My Little Project

I had started my little project a month ago today. The idea was to push myself to learn something new, discover something about myself and to spend a little quality time with me. As with so many things I start, I had to switch things up midstream. I had plans, big plans to to find out more about myself and get some answers to some of the "whys" I am who I am. What I ended up with is so much more than I had originally planned.
Almost a year ago, Mike and I sat down and had a heart to heart talk about living in our current house and how much it is costing in time and money. When we moved here six years ago, it made sense to us, because we had four kids in high school and middle school. Last summer we realized that as much as it made sense back then, it made no sense now. What we learned about us in our house was we were living for our house instead of just living in our house. We were living to work instead of working to live. The plan had been to renovate the house, put it on the market and downsize to a smaller house, here in Houston. The reality is that the house is selling and we are about to be released out into the wild. Our plan worked, except one little hitch. His company is merging with another company in a meg-merger. Oh, we are downsizing alright, all the way across the board. His department was told they were being transferred to Chicago in two years. Of all the contingency plans we had in our heads, this one we really hadn't counted on. As of right now, we are to move in June. Where we are going to move to, is still undecided at this point, with little or no idea of what the best answer is. Our poor Realtor just reminded us to breathe. I must admit, that when someone has to tell you to exhale, it's time to let go and let God.
I had wanted to walk more. I wanted to go out everyday and see nature, dogs in tow, and just be for an hour. This is also a done deal for me. Since we started showing the house, we get kicked out regularly and since we have no place to go, we walk the dogs in whatever park is handy. Ironically, I just found a magazine article that teaches how to step up your work out while walking. I plan to start that on Monday and see how it goes.
This month, I wanted to connect with my spiritual side and lean more heavily on my faith. Because we have no answers to any of our questions about our future, I have no choice but to do exactly that. When asked directly, "What are you and Mike going to do? Where will you live for now? Are you going to move to Chicago? What abut the kids?" I look them square in the eye and say, "We have no idea!" I believe in God, so I know as tough as this is for us, all the not knowing, we have to walk in faith. Sometimes God gives me a pass and I get to simply say I have faith; other times I have to put my money where my mouth is and keep moving forward without so much as a compass to guide me, because at that point it isn't about what I think, or want, it's about what God has planned. This is one the hardest thing I have ever had to do, as far as believing all things for reason. There is no point making big plans right now. We just have to live day to day and know we are not orphans. When we pray the "Our Father", we must believe that He is listening and guiding us, every step of the way.
This month, I had wanted to decrease my stress. A good friend and I were talking when she said the most amazing thing, "I will not commit to worry". I love this. I had been committing my time and energy to worry. I was actively making a decision to feel anxiety about things I had no control over. Since I was the one making the decision to do this, only I could make the decision to stop. You guessed it, I stopped, cold turkey, the day she pointed out that I was the only one who could stop my own runaway train. It's not that I don't feel the fear, I do, but once I feel it, I am the one who actively lets it go and stays in the "now". The future will happen, how I spend my time now is what I have control over. I never look back on my anxiety attacks and think, "That was time well spent. I wish I had felt twisted up longer". I make the decision everyday to keep a watchful eye out for little happy accidents all day long. I have noticed my surroundings, so much more recently. I am more aware of sights, sounds, tastes, than ever before. What I discovered is my ability to feel happy, regardless of what goes on around me. It's not like I never get angry or upset anymore, it's just that I can stop, take a breath and see the situation with new eyes in a way I have never been able to do before. I can change my internal environment before the melt down happens. I have to say, out of all my birthday gifts, this is the one I cherish the most.
In this last month I prayed somebody would want to buy our house because they loved it as much as we do. I got my answer, and they do. Some lovely couple saw our home and understood the feeling of the house as well as the aesthetics. I wish them very happy here. Our family has grown so much in this house. We love each other more every day, so for the new family moving in, I hope they grow in love and happiness in their new home.
I prayed for my kids to figure some things out, and they have.They are getting ready to be out on their own. They are expanding their minds and their hearts.
I prayed to get closer to my husband. The ticking clock, money, housework, cars, jobs all seem to take priority over time spent with each other. We have both made a concerted effort to get back to who we have always been to each other. We decided we are our first priority. Everything else will get done in due course after we spend time with each other. We are our household's foundation, so if we crack we are real trouble. Michael and I remain grateful that we have this union, him and me, and the rest(except the kids, of course), is just stuff. We determine our worth.
Everyday since starting this I get up first thing in the morning and list all the things I am grateful for. This includes the husband, kids, pets and home, but more than that I am grateful for me, mind, body and soul. I am grateful for the stretchmarks that crisscross across my body, showing the road map of my pregnancies. I am grateful for the blue eyes that now require bifocals and time to focus. I am grateful for the vein streaked legs that carry me around my world, and to my husband.
I am grateful for the racing thoughts in my head that turn into stories. I am grateful that I am naive enough to be child-like and still think the world is a wondrous, magnificent place and that most people are innately good.
So, what's the big payoff at the end of my 30 days? I didn't lose 30 pounds in 30 days, I lost 4. I didn't sell a thousand books, I sold 2. I didn't create any miracles, I merely acknowledged them. The big payoff for me, is I realize this is only the beginning of a new adventure. That and I really am happy, just the way I am, a gift I have never allowed myself before. I still have goals for the next 30 days, but if everything changes, that's OK. I am happy enough to know we are all going to just fine.