Sunday, May 2, 2010

Joy Cometh In the Morning



I got up this morning and lit the candelabra over the outside table and watched the sun come up with my wiener at my side. He was laying on a cushion I bought as a happy accident. The cushion was originally supposed to go on a bench and it didn't fit. It is now used as my wiener pillow for Schnitzel and BoBo. They sleep together on it, side by side, watching for careless squirrels in the back yard.
It's been a peaceful morning for me, coffee cup in hand, appreciating my house and yard in a way I never have before. Before, I had always seen the flaws of the house, what needed to be done and things that needed to be repaired. But the work is done and the house is clean and organized and the hardest thing I have to do is not screw it up.
We have lilac bushes in the back and surrounding the house that are in full bloom. They are not like the lavender lilac bushes I grew up as a child, but have white flowers and a pungent smell that fills the air with the sweet smell of spring. Our plants, the ones that survived the harsh freeze this past winter, are all blooming now. The morning air is cool and full of moisture, the kind of moisture that Houstonians recognize as the early signs of the humidity to come in the summer. Summer for us, is right around the corner. Before we know it, pools will be full of families trying to escape the summer Texas heat.
I realized this morning, just how much I love my house. Funny how that happens right before we have to move. It's not my first time down this path of packing up all of our earthly belongings in order to move to a place I have to start over in. When I was a child I had wanted a large family and house I could grow old in. I never once in all the time I was growing up, pictured myself as the person who moves a lot. I felt certain when I got married the first time, I would die in the house where my children were born. I moved from hometown back in 1986 and I haven't stopped moving since. I have spent just enough years in my houses to grow gardens, fix up the interior and then sell it to someone else. So far every move has been a move forward. I feel blessed and reassured with that, but at this moment I feel a little tired. I feel tired of moving, tired of change, tired of the adventure that keeps us packing every few years. This house is the second longest I have gotten to stay in one place. Maybe that is why I am feeling more tired about this than excited. Maybe having been stationary for a little longer this time has me feeling resistant to packing up and moving on. Whatever it is, I am certain of one thing. When it's time to go, I will dutifully pack our belongings, buckle my seat belt, put my tray table in the upright position, and go.
For now, right this minute, I will love being exactly where I am. I take great joy in walking around my spotless house. Having kids, means never having a house that is 100% clean, but right now that is exactly what I have. Because the house is for sale, we clean every day. The kids make their beds, pick up their clothes, dust and vacuum, in order to be at the ready in case we have a showing. It's wonderful to live this way, in the land of "perfect". I walk around our newly mulched flower beds and mowed yard sniffing the blooms, pulling the occasional weed and taking in the sights and smells of all of our hard work. I feel very lucky to be this happy when all else in our life seems so uncertain.I could worry and hand wring about where we might have to go, whether or not I have to learn a new city, where I will ever get another job, etc., or I could sit here smelling the lilacs, feeling incredibly grateful that the kids are healthy, the wieners are content and I am deeply, madly in love with my best friend. For now I choose the latter, seeing that committing myself to worry just causes frown lines and over eating.
Today I am happy. Today I feel content and relaxed and grateful. Today I commit my energy to try and keep it that way.

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