See You In Ten

Years ago when I was broke and the bills were mounting and I had no one to ask for help, my birthday was right around the corner and children asked me what I wanted.I looked at their innocent faces and saw how sincere they were about wanting to get me something, anything to make me happy. Every day when they would wake up they would see my furrowed brow and downward mouth, terrified because I didn't know how we were going to survive another month.My fear and unhappiness were palpable.The heaviness of not making enough money, no matter how much I worked hung on me like an iron suit. My kids loved me enough to want to do anything they could to make me happy. I would look at them and answer, "I don't need anything" and hope the question would go away, because we didn't have money for my birthday. Rest assured, I always made sure we celebrated their birthdays, in order for them to feel important to me and to the family. What I hadn't counted on was me making them aware that I didn't feel worthy of the same. That was the lesson I taught my kids, "you can have the world and I can have nothing, so don't even bother to try and celebrate me. I will not allow it."
I see now how destructive that thought process is and how much it hurt my kids. They loved me and thought I was worth everything. I made them feel foolish for even thinking that. It breaks my heart now, looking back at how far I had fallen from the dreams I had had for myself when I was a child and thought I WAS worthy of happiness and a good life. It breaks my heart because my kids were too young to do anything on their own, even if it was against my opinion, and treat me the way they thought I should be treated instead of the terrible way I had begun to treat myself. Somewhere back then I had stopped being a mother to be celebrated and I became the martyr.
My kids still love me, thank God! I have outgrown my need to sit in sack cloth and ashes and tell the woeful tale of why I am not worth a birthday cake. My birthday is right around the corner on Mother's Day. Michael asked me what I wanted. I originally said a diamond tennis bracelet. We then looked at each other and laughed. I say that every year and every year we have someone graduating, college expenses or big utility bills staring us in the face. I have no doubt that one year I will get my bracelet, but for now, we will continue to look at each other and laugh. "I'm serious, Kel, what do you want this year?" I sat and stared at him as if he had just spoken a foreign language. I named a movie I want to own and then said "Um..." for the next several minutes. I had listed several things I thought I had wanted a month before now and found myself not really wanting anything. The truth is, I am happy. I am really not sure of what I want right at this moment. I have been happy for so long now, my list of wants has dwindled. it isn't like before when I would say I didn't want anything because we were too poor to get anything. Back then I had a million things I wanted. Mostly, what I wanted back then was to fill the gaping hole in my heart. I currently do not have that hole. Michael, the kids, the pets and my friends have filled it to the brim. Actually, my heart is overflowing.
Still, I have to come up with some tangible thing for them to get me so we can celebrate around a fire hazard cake and packages with shiny paper. i am not a stuff gal, but I have realized that sometimes people in your life just want to get you something pretty that you can enjoy. Since I do not like making the same mistakes twice, I will find something they can pick up or at the very least lead them in the right direction. I am quite willing to celebrate me with them. Being happy at my very core has taught me that it's wonderful to celebrate how far I have come.
In my forty seven years I have been married, had children, lost children, lost my kid's father, been a nurse, been a massage therapist, been a friend, been a listener, been a survivor and written a book. so many time in my 47 years I have thought, "Wow, I can't believe that happened and I have not only survived, but grown in the process!" So many occasions I have counted my lucky stars and known, I mean really known, how truly blessed I am. IO have been able to do some pretty wonderful stuff. I have accomplished things that were only dreams to me when I started.
For me now, my biggest birthday wish is to have another goal like I did when I started writing the book. There are days when I still can't believe I did it. I love the fact that I set my mind to doing it and I did. there have been plenty of times when I have made plans , only to have to let them go for one reason or another.
On May 9, I will celebrate with my family a day that truly is all about me. I will gorge myself with cake and ice cream and laugh at the silly cards they will give. I have come a long way since the days of my martyrdom. The future holds a whole lot of promise for this young lady!