Here We Go

OK, so yesterday didn't work out like I planned. "The best laid plans..." I realized then, as I realize now that I can either go with the flow or buck the system and end having a melt down. Yesterday, I started with the melt down first. Hey, I am only human and have the tendency to do what comes naturally, throw an all out temper tantrum. After I did, I took a long look at myself and realized I am my own worst enemy.
This isn't going to be easy. I am not living by myself. I am not single, living without children or pets or accountability to hearth and home. I am going to have to adapt when necessary. I can't sit around and wait for my life to begin, or acknowledge that my life is here, right now, exactly where it is. My "plans" dealt strictly with me and how I am and how I feel. I forgot to take into account the other people who are in my house and what they may be feeling. I am reactionary to their moods. I set my self up for failure. I recognize this because it is not my first time down this particular road. So it's back to the drawing board.
I used to feel the failure of a moment and blame myself for all that went wrong. Brilliant. Self recrimination is a great way to encourage change! Now, the way I want to approach this as it's no body's fault. I can't blame my family for falling into old habits. I set things up so they are dependent on me, so how can I blame them for being dependent? I can't. What I can do is see where things went awry and tweak the project. This plan of mine has to be flexible or I am going to have to take thee to a nunnery. I am no nun, so flexible it is.
I did accomplish some things. I got my flabby behind on the treadmill for the first time in 8 months. My companion, Bobo didn't have as much success. Bobo is my cha-wienie, who like his owner has packed on a few pounds and has some bad habits. He is in dire need of change, too. I tried to get him to walk with me on the treadmill, but he freaked out and had his melt down much earlier in the day than I did. He also requires a plan B. I will attempt to get him back on the horse, so to speak until he realizes that this is good for him. In the mean time, I am watching his diet like a hawk and will be walking him with the other dogs when the weather is on our side.
I became very aware yesterday that quitting would be so much easier. I don't owe anybody anything, right? Wrong!!!!! I owe me a better state of mind than I have now. I owe myself the chance to be the person I was born to be. I tell my kids they can be exactly the person they were meant to be, but when it comes to myself I see me as being unworthy of having the life I thought I would have when I was still young enough to dream. Why is it that we are so willing to throw away any opportunity for more when we get older? Why is so much easier to stop dreaming after the age of 25? I know life experience teaches us that adversity will stop you in you tracks when you have made plans. It's no small matter being up against the wall. But I also know that the very adversity that causes us to feel paralyzed in one moment, can be the very thing that helps us through another somewhere down the road.
I woke up today. So? Don't be so cynical, sometimes waking up is the best thing that will happen all day. It beats the alternative. I have the chance to try again today to do more, be better and feel happy that I got the chance to even try. My lesson yesterday was that I have been too hard on me about not achieving every goal I have set. Being goal oriented, I set myself to fail , so I then can beat myself up for the rest of the day about how undeserving I am. And that my friends, is just plain stupid. Today isn't about my end point in this. It's about the place where I can have a new beginning every day. This is more about me not giving up on me than it is about whether or not I lose some weight, meditate more or have the time to finish reading a book I have owned for 10 years.
I have my list of the things I need to try and accomplish. Chances are better than not I will not get everything done. I gave myself an attitude adjustment, so in this case if I don't get the gold star for succeeding at everything, I do get the medal of courage for taking the opportunity to try. Did I learn something about myself yesterday? Yes, I learned that just because I want something now, doesn't mean I can have it, but the great thing is I gave myself permission to want it in the first place and for me that is real change. Part of this process is for me to be able to learn new things, so in that case I am a whopping success. But like my dog Bobo, I am reticent to change, even if it is what is best for me.
Today is a new beginning. Instead of spending my time feeling bad about what I cannot change, like yesterday's failures, and be happy that I get the chance to give it another shot. I don't really give a crap how many days it took Rome to get off the ground. This is about me and whether or not it takes a week , a month or ten years, I am finally getting the hang of the idea that I am worth the wait.