The Circle is Expanding

In my book I wrote a chapter called, “The Circle of Trust”. In this chapter I write about talking to my kids, my boys in particular. Raising young men, for me, was difficult since their father was deceased and I had no brothers to rely on. My father was the only male in my household, growing up, and he came from a generation that didn’t talk a whole lot. He lived in household of his mother, wife and two daughters. I think about that now and I can’t imagine living in an all male household. I need the estrogen factor to maintain my foothold on all things girlie. My dad was surrounded by bra straps, tampons and mood swings. It had to be tough.

My sons had a 50/50 shot at power since I have two daughters and remarried. My husband is not a big talker either, so I have had to do the talking and hope that my sons would learn the art of expression. Since they were in high school they have learned to tell me their truth and let the chips fall where they may. I try and listen with my heart and not judge too quickly. It isn’t easy for me. Boys do not think like girls. Boys tend to smell, laugh inappropriately and can’t find their way out of a paper bag. What they do possess is a great need for adventure, so there is very little they won’t try. They are braver than their female counterparts. They have a deep sense of pride. Girls will jump to apology in order to sooth a bad situation, where as boys will stand their ground, knowing full well they are full of crap. Better to be wrong than appear weak.

The circle of trust is based on letting boys be boys. The phrase “boys will be boys” has turned into some kind of excuse for bad behavior. That is not what I am talking about. I am referring to allowing boys express themselves as they are and not some womanized version of themselves. Boys and girls are not the same. Even if you raise them the exact same, and I am not totally sure how you would do that, they have their own way of dealing with things that is innate to their gender. Boys are fixers, doers, and responders. If you need something from them, you have but to ask them, but if you just want to sit around and talk about your feelings, then I suggest you call a girlfriend. My husband does listen to me about my feelings, however he has had years of practice with women and I have learned to try and tell him real things he can do to help me. I do not expect him to read my mind or know things about me and my feelings by osmosis. That is a dangerous game that should never be played in a real relationship.

My boys are not perfect. They were born perfect and have slowly slid down hill ever since. I think this happens to all of us. None of us will ever be as perfect as the day we are born. We are completely naked, raw emotionally, physically and spiritually. I have people in my life whose Little Johnny is perfect. Little Johnny is captain of the football team, a straight A student who never swears, goes to church and doesn’t question his parents. Oh, that Little Johnny is just the best. He is polite and everybody just loves him! I listen as they go on and on about Little Johnny and how perfect he is. When there is finally a break in the conversation, they look at me and wait for me to say something about my sons. Mostly they do this in order for them to have another opportunity to brag about Little Johnny all the while making my son’s accomplishments look like boo-boo. What they get from me is nothing. I say nothing about my kids to others who have perfect Little Johnny’s. There is no point in telling them about my perfectly normal sons and the missteps and accomplishments they have. Those parents don’t want to hear about normal. They want to stay in a place of delusion about their Little Johnny and never know that anything bad has ever happened. I get that place of denial so many parents live in. I feel sorry for them and their Little Johnnies. It’s a mentality that sets families up to fail, I mean, really hit the skids and maybe never recover. There is this idea of parents using their kids in a giant pissing contest. If their kids are perfect then all is well with the world and they are a successful human being. If their kids make big mistakes then they are a failure and everyone will know what a loser they are. It’s ridiculous and the pressure it puts on kids is pathetic. If you think at the age of 21 they haven’t made life altering mistakes then either you are delusional or your kids have never left the house. They are supposed to screw up. Our only real job as parents is instilling in our kids the confidence to face with the world and deal with things as they come. We are supposed to teach coping skills, not perfection. There is no perfect, so it’s time to let that go. If you are a parent who stands around and brags non-stop about your kids to anybody with a set of ears, then I have a story for you.

There was this woman who used to come to me for massage once a month. Every time she came in she went on and on about her perfect Little Suzy. Little Suzy was on the dance team, dated the quarterback, got straight A’s, was voted most something or another. Little Suzy was going to attend the same college as my daughter. That seemed like a safe subject so I brought it up. She asked about my daughter, but I sensed she had ulterior motives. I said only what she was majoring in and I got the “Oh” face. And there it was, the condescension of a parent too tied to her child’s success. Instantly I felt sorry for Little Suzy, knowing full well her mother’s self esteem was tied directly to Little Suzy’s successes and failures. I stopped talking the instant I was sure I knew where this was going. Months later after both girls had gone off to college I saw the woman again. For another hour I listened to the adventures of perfect Little Suzy. When she asked about my daughter the only thing I said was, “she’s fine”. One year later the woman came in for a massage. She looked as though she had been hit by a bus. I asked how she was and she looked at me with tear filled eyes and said, “Things at my house are just awful!” I braced myself for what I was certain I would hear. Sure enough Little Suzy had been kicked out of college, became a meth addict and had done all kinds of terrifying stuff. Little Suzy was living at home, but not dealing with her addiction and would soon be kicked out to the curb if she didn’t stay in rehab. The moral of the story is-----kids are not perfect no matter how much we want them to be. Parenting young adults is as much about damage control as it is about anything else. My heart goes out to that woman. She had made a classic mistake in pinning all of her hopes and dreams on her kid, when in fact the best thing you can teach your kids is to live everyday to their full potential for themselves, not us. Our children’s lives aren’t about us, it’s about raising productive healthy kids who can handle their own stuff.

What does this have to do with the circle of trust? Everything! Look, I am not sure about much, but something I am certain of, stake my life on it, certain is, that kids are better off when they don’t have to be perfect. They need to know we love them as they are exactly at that moment, warts and all. One father said he didn’t approve of swearing and found it vulgar. I get that, I really do. However much I don’t like to hear my kids use vulgar language, it does seem to be a rite of passage for most kids. His kids are young yet and they may never swear. They may never do anything vulgar or distasteful, or they may grow up, do vulgar things because they are young and simply grow out of it, like most kids. My kids say things that make me cringe. I think sometimes they do it on purpose. Some things they get away with and some things they don’t, it really depends on my mood and what is being said. The bigger issue for me is that they talk to me. I can make it so restrictive they give up trying to say anything, because they fear offending me or I can loosen the borders and sift through, so they have a soft place to fall. I am not criticizing the guy who finds foul language vulgar, for his opinion. He hasn’t gotten to the high school portion of the program, so things may change for him. I hope his kids don’t disappoint him. It’s heartbreaking when that happens. I just know having watched so many kids go through adolescence, that they need to decompress in whatever way they can. For those of you who are on the fence about vulgar language and the Circle of Trust concept, I recently saw a study that showed that people who let off steam by swearing decrease their stress more than those who don’t, have lower blood pressure and tend to live longer. I am not encouraging kids to swear, I am just not freaking out because they do. My only rule is no JC’s or GD’s. God is off limits.

There are so few things I am certain of, so I am giddy as a school girl that I am relatively certain of this.