Day 4, Already?

Yesterday I felt a shift. I got some things accomplished, like I started scrubbing the floor on my hands and knees. The house has to be camera ready by Thursday. I have forgotten what it looks like when it's clean. We have been under construction for so long, I can't remember what it is like to walk around a clean house. This would be the time I would usually freak out. I would start yelling at everybody about picking up after themselves and have a nervous breakdown over an empty toilet paper roll lying on the bathroom floor,because somebody missed the trash can. This is the time when my stress level would cause my inherited vein in my forehead to protrude like a tumor, throbbing and bulging at the sight of an unmade bed. But I am not doing any of those things. The truth is, I feel calm, as if I were in an out of body experience calm. Have I finally let go of this whole thing? I have spent so much time praying for the ability to not have self recrimination about selling our home. I have begged for months to let God's will be done and not try and control everything. Is that what this feeling is?
I have no desire to move. It's not as exciting as I wish it were. I lack the necessary motivation to find the new house, or at least that is what I thought I felt. I still do what is necessary, so obviously I have some motivation. I am thinking now that maybe I am just letting flow and not trying to control everything all the time. It's hardly a state of enlightenment when all I am doing is cleaning up and looking for flaws, but I think I may be on to something. I am not pulling my usual bag of crap. I am not blaming me or the family or talking about how this sucks all the time. Something in me has moved on to another place. I am feeling very zen about this right now. No worries, there is still time to panic and act like a maniac, but for now I feel inwardly peaceful that all will work out if I just keep a cool head and let go.
There will be no big reveal for me when my 30 days is over. I am not going to show myself as thirty pounds lighter, looking 10 years younger with the ability to face everything with grace. Remember, I am still me. I will still be the person who trips into the room, spills my food down the front of my shirt and has hair that sticks straight up because I never checked the back of it. What I do feels is happening is I am starting to relax in a way I don't think I ever have. i am not playing the "what if..." game. I like it, I like it a lot.
Another confession...I nap. I don't sleep well at night, so I nap during the day to try and catch up. The results of my insomnia is that I am always tired and never feel completely rested. Stress, teenagers, menopause all play a part in why I can't sleep, or should I say I hadn't been sleeping. Recently, in the last two nights, I slept like a log. The last two days, I have not required a nap. This is big for me people! Naps make me edgy, as if I have missed important opportunities because I have been Rip Van Bitchy, sleeping away the prime daylight hours others enjoy. I woke up this morning realizing I actually slept through the night two nights in a row. I haven't done that in five years.
So there it is, my first big "change". Can I do this every night? Let's not get ahead of ourselves. It is only day 4. I would be happy if I got to sleep through the night for the rest of my time on the project. But I have momentum now and it's time to just roll down the hill with it.
Today is day 4 and I have tons to so with the house, but still have to stay on track with me. yesterday, I prayed my prayers of gratitude for all I have. I said my mantra of "Your will not mine" as I scrubbed the floor. I spoke to my kids in calm voices about expectations in the coming week. I neither fell apart or acted like a maniac. This is all good. Today is about organizing my work and personal life. My desk looks as if a paper factory threw up on it. I can't find things I need and I spend countless hours looking for things that are right in front of my face. One week I counted the hours I spent looking for things that had been miss placed. Are you ready for this? Eight bloody hours, an entire day wasted looking for stuff I should have been able to access in a few seconds. So, today I will spend my time back on the treadmill, which I had to unearth because of all the construction supplies, Cleaning off the paper covered surfaces in our house, which there are three, the kitchen table, my desk, and Michael's desk. Today we find out exactly what has been covering up the table cloth. At one point I thought about making a table cloth out of type written paper, so when the barrage of letters, leaflets and notices came in it would blend it and nobody would notice the mess.
Today, I unearth the stuff and really look at why I am saving scraps and bits of things that must not be so important or they wouldn't end up in a heap somewhere. I am hoping by digging things out, maybe I will discover something about me in the ruins.