It's day 3. Today is about setting my intention on being more proactive in my own life instead of the reactionary status I have held in the past. It's about getting things done that I want to do.
When was the last time you asked yourself,"What do I want?" For me, it's been since high school. Had you asked me as a child, what I wanted to be when I grew up, I could have told you instantly, but now as grown woman with a whole history behind me, the truth is I have no idea. I have denied myself the possibility of that question. Maybe I don't ask because I am afraid that I won't live long enough to see it to fruition. Maybe I stopped asking because the minute I conceived my children, I realized it was no longer about just me. Maybe, life's disappointments have made me afraid to want things anymore. Or just maybe, it's all of the above.
Today I am setting my intention on who I want to be. Make no mistake, I do not view my life as a failure or disappointment. I will never negate the sacrifices I have made for my kids, they were necessary and important. But my job with my kids is coming to an end. There is an end point to motherhood. That doesn't mean I am no longer their mother, it means that the real time, full time job of mothering is coming to a close. I have made myself redundant. And that is a good thing. I was not supposed to be their full time mother forever. I was supposed to raise them to be responsible adults, and I have. I like, as well as love my kids. I push them everyday to be better human beings. I worked my butt off living as breathing example of which direction they should take when it comes to the really big stuff. They listened and are succeeding on their own. Now I need to take the endless amount of energy it took to raise my kids and redirect it towards me and where I am going from here.
I could rest on my laurels and just do the status quot, or I could take this once in a lifetime opportunity and be different than I am now. I could now take the chances I didn't have the luxury of taking before and try not just one thing, but a million things.
I am not on a reality show with life coaches or personal trainers, riding me like a pony at the state fair everyday. I am on my own, because that is most people's reality. I need to do this because I want to, not because someone else is pushing me to do it. Sure, I have a greater potential for failure, but I also have the chance to prove to myself that anything really is possible if I put MY mind to it.
My intention is to start at least 3 new healthy habits by the time this is done. 30 days is all it takes to acquire a habit. My intention is also to see that my purpose here is as much for me, as it is for anybody else. I was not born to be only a wife or mother. I was born for a purpose that has as much to do with me as a person, as it is to be there for others. I guess I am lucky because I do not need to work on service for others. I have put my money where my mouth was as far as that is concerned. When my friends were making big bucks in their careers back in the 1990's, I was working with the dying and elderly making crap for a living. I never did for the money, or I wouldn't have done it. I lived authentically as a nurse, because it was the right thing to do for me at the time. I had said when I was about 19 that I had hated the way the elderly were treated, so I became a nurse so I could do things differently. I am proud of my work record and the time I spent taking care of those who needed me the most. But now it's time for me to stop, regroup and spend some time thinking about what I want now.
My other intention is to show other women (and any men who are interested) they deserve the chance to serve themselves as well. We need to get past the idea that we must do for others and not ourselves. We have nothing to offer anybody if we are an empty vessel. My generation, more than any in history has been completely torn over what is right and what is deemed "selfish". No other time have women been expected to do it all. Even our daughters have learned from us that they have the right to be who they are with no apologies. I could spend the next 27 days thinking about how to undo the unreasonable expectations of what I grew up with, or I could just start moving in the right direction. I am choosing the latter.
It is day 3. Yesterday was not an overwhelming success or a crushing defeat. It was just OK. I did 3 things for me that I had been putting on the back burner, and I worked on my obligations for the family and house. I was neither ecstatic or moody. It was as it was.
Today I am spending some time meditating and praying. It is Sunday after all and I feel the need to acknowledge how grateful I am to my creator. I also plan to clean. If indeed cleanliness is close to Godliness, then this is how I choose to worship today. The third thing I will do is 1/2 hour of exercise in the house and a 2 mile walk outside since it is a beautiful day.
I am doing this according to the KISS theory, Keep It Simple Stupid. I don't want to over complicate what already feels like an overwhelming endeavor. Why make it harder than it has to be? This is hardly brain surgery, but it is hard to retrain an already mature brain.
So, to any of you who are trying your own experiment, reduce your expectations, keep it simple and hang on. Miracles happen when you least expect it.