Hi Kellie

Deep in a dark, dank room, down the stairs in a church basement, there is a room filled with people. In the outside world they appear normal, but here one can see the dark circles, the worn clothes, the oppressed nature of the beast that has a hold of them. I find myself one of them now, a place I could not have imagined when I first had kids, or even the dream of kids so many years ago. "Hi, my name is Kellie and I am a parent." Group looks over, "Hi, Kellie," they say in unison in a bland, monotone voice. "I am finding myself having difficulty letting go. I admit I have screwed some things up pretty bad, but look, I thought I was just hurting myself, you know, just affecting me, but now I see this is a bigger problem than I had originally anticipated. Oh, God, I really think I need help." The group leader gets up and moves to a chair directly in front of me. Leader-"At what point did you really start to notice the problem?" Me-"Oh, I don't know..." Leader-"Really think now, Kellie, when did this get out of control?" Me-"O.K., O.K., I think it was back in '06, but I had my reasons, the stress of their SAT's, college entrance exams, prom,...I had a handle on things, I did, but then, the first one moved out and I could not stop myself. I always told myself I would quit when the right time came, but then..." Leader-"But then what?" Me-"But then there were always reasons to visit the campus, to call her, to check on her and how she was doing, plus there were other ones still in high school. Look, there was no way to go cold turkey because of the other ones." I buried my head in my hands. Leader-"Was there ever a right time with the other children? Have you ever stopped long enough to let your recovery really take hold?" Me-"No! Are you happy? I have never once since all this began let go long enough for anything in my life to take hold! I can't stop, it's too hard. I can't stop..." The group all nod in unison. In the distance, in the back of the crowd I here an older woman's voice, "Been there, done that." Leader-"At what exact point did you know you had bottomed out and needed help? Share with us, Kellie, this is a safe place." Me-"Well,..." I look down ashamed,"I was in the superduper market, you know, just picking up household items, when I was drawn to the ...I can't. I am too ashamed." Leader-"Kellie, you can do this, please go on. I promise you just saying it out loud will bring you some relief." Me-"I was in the baby isle." An audible gasp from the crowd can be heard as I lower my head and tears run down my face."I was touching the baby clothes, looking at car seats, then I found the booties. It was all over then. I knew I needed help." Leader-"I admit, you are one of the more severe cases, but you can overcome this. Having four kids in four years, well, someone should have seen this coming, but not everyone is affected the same." Me-"It's just that I am not useful anymore. They don't need me so much anymore.I shouldn't have gone in the baby stuff, I know how far I have fallen, but I miss it. I miss it everyday." The crowd, still nodding with understanding, this group of middle aged and above, men and women, who have been in the battle of their lives. Leader-"Look, this is why we are here gathered to support one another. You an do this, you can live like a real grown up without all the worry and anxiety of parenting.It's time for you to move on, to let go and let God, one day at a time." Me-"Will I ever feel normal again? Is it possible to not be a mom after all these years?" Leader-"Kellie, You are looking at this all wrong, you will always have this situation of being a mother, but it's how you decide to handle it that will determine whether or not you ever find yourself sobbing in the baby isle again." Me-"I never thought I'd be this person, you know the one who cannot get passed all of this? One minute I am living the dream, and the next I am spit washing my husband. Once, on date, back when I was a single mother I actually fixed my dates tie and combed his hair." "Poor dear, she's got it bad." I could hear again from the crowd. Leader-"We meet twice a week for our more severe cases, and once a week for those who merely want to maintain their recovery. In the times when you are not at a meeting, we will assign you a sponsor to help. Margie, I think would be a good a fit for you. She's a grandmother now and has all kinds of outside activities. She only baby sits when she wants to. She even went on a vacation recently and was gone for two whole weeks. Me-"That's possible?" Leader-"Oh, my yes! We have many parents who have recovered and have gone on to seek personal interests, and grow their romantic relationships. Help is here if you want it. You can go on to live a very fulfilling life." I pondered the idea of not cutting anyone's meat, not checking on someone's finances, not calling with reminders, not shopping for, thinking of, planning for all that time. For the first time in 25 years I felt like there might be life after parenting. Me-"I will try, with all your help." The crowd burst into applause, said the parenting prayer and pledged to do something normal for the week ahead.