I Came Out

I was asked not too long ago why I had more gay friends than straight ones. My response was to sit in front that person completely puzzled. "What?" I asked. This person a younger female then looked at me almost embarrassed and said, "It just seems as though you have more gay friends than straight ones." I watched this young one's face carefully. I wondered to myself why that question was even a question, and why it mattered to her or anyone who my friends might be. "I don't think I do, but to be completely honest with you, I have never sat down and looked at the numbers." Although my first instinct was to get insulted, to take this question personally, I thought it might better serve me to stop and think about why she thought she needed to ask the question in the first place. I get touchy about any prejudice toward my gay friends, so I knew I was being pissy with her. I called my closest friend and asked if he had noticed if I had more gay friends than straight ones. "I think, Kellie, you gravitate towards people who are thoughtful and self reflective. Gay people need to be self reflective in order to survive. Maybe it's not so much a matter of numbers or a ratio of how many versus straight, but rather that you go for friends who are accepting. "Ahh, that makes so much sense, now that you put it that way.I know I have gay friends, but I also have straight ones. The common denominator is that they are all so accepting and giving.When she asked it just reminded me when I asked if I were gay way back when." My friend paused and sighed, "I remember that time.Everyone wanted you all figured out. When you came out as a straight person, I think the people who questioned your sexuality were relieved that you had openly picked a side." Back when I was in high school and college I found myself being questioned about my sexuality. What exactly was I? For me the answer was self evident, I was straight all the way to my bones. My gay friends seemed to know who they were as well. My problem was I didn't look the part of the stereo typical straight girl to some. I seemed to be a quandary to some. I loved flannel shirts, wearing baseball caps, power tools and high top tennis shoes. I also liked people of all types so I could not be type cast in the friend department. In college I went long stretches of time without a boyfriend. I liked sports but wasn't particularly good at them. I liked boys, but I felt myself being pulled away from it because of my extremely bad taste in boyfriends. I became a little asexual, putting aside my sexuality until I had things more figured out for myself about what kind of person I wanted. I remember when a woman, a beautiful, tall, blond "Miss America" type showed an interest in me. I thought or at the very least assumed that everybody knew I was straight, so I thought she wanted to be friends. She had asked me out for drinks. This gorgeous woman, smart, funny, so well put together sat across from me and acted as though I were fascinating. I was embarrassed by the attention. She then did something very unexpected and made her intentions known to me. We were on a date, only I did not know it. Once I found out she thought I was gay, I had to tell her I was straight. Dumbfounded, she looked at me mouth agape and uttered, "You are kidding! I never saw that coming. I was certain you were gay." I wasn't shocked. I probably should have been since I had never even considered women as possible partners. What I did feel was a little remorseful that I was straight. I looked into her eyes and said wistfully, "I am not even bi-curious. It's almost sad." She laughed at that. My straightness was then clear to her and she found the whole situation hilarious. I was so completely complimented that she thought enough of me to ask me out. In my mind she could have had anybody, and she chose me. It was such a lovely moment for me to have someone so beautiful, so smart, so incredibly generous think enough of me to want to get to know me better. It's one of those rare, sweet moments I continue to remind myself of when I am having a "I hate everything about me" days. After our "date" she looked at me, leaned over and kissed me so softly and said, "If you ever change teams, let me know." and with that she smiled this big brilliant smile, all sparkling, white toothiness smile. As she drove away in her very cool car, I thought, "Damn! I wish I were at least bi." Over the years, when I was single, I have had people pull me aside and ask what I was. Almost bored I responded, "I'm straight." Since I have remarried no one asks anymore. The wedding rings, blog and book have answered those questions. I do have lots of gay friends. I don't think of them as gay, they are just who they are. I find that the people they fall in love with are people I tend to like very much. What are they? I don't really care about all that, and never have. My sexuality has been one part of my life. I am made up of many parts, as are my friends. My straight friends are non-judgmental, as well, so what they are is never as important as who they. Curious to see if I really do have more of one than the other I did the math. Turns out I do have more close friends who are gay than straight. It isn't all that lopsided, and in the end, it doesn't matter to me. It doesn't matter to them either. They accept for exactly who I am without apology or exception. I never have to explain why I am, I just talk, being completely me. My gay friends all have these magnificent coming out stories. Some are gut wrenching, some tragic, some are even glorious. They all had to come out to family and friends and say who they were. Being faced with that, I think they are more insightful than some. They have had to come to terms with those who would not accept who they were. In some ways, on a very tiny scale I can relate. There have been times when I have lost friends for being me. Maybe I was too liberal, too conventional, not tall enough, not blond enough, not whatever they had thought I was enough. Not too long ago I had walked into a room of lesbian friends. We were all laughing because we had all worn very similar clothes. One friend looked over at me and said, "We should make you an honorary lesbian." Gleefully, I clapped my hands and took the honor bestowed on me with great pride. I was surrounded by some of the nicest, most sincere, genuine and loving women I know, so being included in their group made me so happy. I came out as a straight woman years ago, but it's nice to know I still have my honorary gay status still intact.