What Goes Up, Must Come Down.

So here we are in 2012. Congratulations for making it into another year.
Yesterday the whole family and a few friends got together at our house and shared food, great gobs of thick, rich Polish food. It's the best hangover cure ever. Unfortunately, the electricity went out and folks left early. In some ways it seemed apropos, the quiet, the many candles with their dancing light and the fireplace glow, with Asti lying in front of it on her pillow. It was warm and cozy, like being inside a giant, fuzzy blanket. We didn't have a storm, or weather related problems, so I am not exactly sure why the electricity went out, but in the end, it all worked out as things usually do.

I have to finish my resolution list today. Today it goes from conceptual thinking to black and white print. I have so many things to do this year. I have a whole new set of goals for myself, and for my little family. So tell me, do you have lofty goals for yourself? ............................Well, I am waiting.............................
Surely you could have come up with something.
O.K., O.K., I'll stop pressuring you. Geeze, relax would ya?

In writing down what I want, what I need, what I aspire, it occurred to me that was goes up, must come down.
Let's start with the obvious, I have gotten fluffier, not fatter mind you, I weigh less than I did a year ago, by more than a whopping ten pounds, but my couch time when I was sick turned my generally firm muscles into flowing jelly rolls. The good news is there is always room for jello. Since I am a shape shifter, I need to get a handle on that. I have no want to be the one who refuses to walk to get the mail because the 40 feet is just too far.

Next up is Christmas and holiday stuff. It takes me days, alone to put up all of our "stuff". I have a few days now to get it all to fit back in their containers. It's no easy fete to accomplish this. I have no idea what happens but the original stuff never fits quite right back into the boxes making me huff, puff and squeeze things in ways that nature fights against. I'll do the outside first so the neighbors think I am organized as I take the next week and a half to shove everything else.

Next is expectations, mine, theirs, and maybe even yours. I have found myself more than once thinking things should be one way, when clearly the universe, God or some one who just doesn't agree with me, thinks things should go another way. Ultimately, I am faced with choices of being pissed, compliant, easy going or hurt. The good news is I get decide which one reaction happens. I am thinking this year, maybe I will wait for as much information as possible before I expect anything. There is some truth to never being disappointed if there are no expectations to impede the progress.

I need sleep. Real, relaxed, cover my eyes with one of those Lone Ranger masks without the eye hole, sleep. I haven't had a good night's sleep in years. Did you hear me? I said YEARS. Some it is hormones, thank you, Mother Nature, and some if it is kids, and some of it is habit. Since I have been up for years, it definitely time for me to come down. I have hatched a plan to help. I will not be available to anyone during the week after 8:00 PM. It's my own version of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell". Don't ask me for anything during my bedtime ritual, and I won't tell you what to do with your request.

My biggie this year is stress. Our stress level has been maxed out for all of 2011. Now that the new year is here, it is time for us to kick back, let it be and allow us to slowly descend from the heightened awareness we have been suffering from. Michael and I have aged exponentially, since last year at this time. I had a conversation recently with a "friend". This supposed friend said, "You are just not yourself lately." She was right, I haven't. We were and are faced with life altering decisions and I went through a health scare that I thought might kill me, so my usual laid back jolly self had crawled into the fetal position to take cover. Not to worry, my old usual self is on the rise as the old decrepit, sickly self is disappearing. Oh, and thanks for the heads up. Your keen awareness of my state of mind has been invaluable. Alright, maybe my sarcasm level should come down, too.

My teeter totter, is on it's gentle decline to the ground this year. Last year I was trapped up by the fat kid, waving my arms, suffering cherry bumps, screaming to be let down. With the bully under control, I am now able to find my way to solid ground.
I realize this is day 2 and we have many more to go, but I know what optimism does. I know that my glass half full is a much better way for me to view things than my glass shattered and on the floor in pieces. I believe my half glass is on the rise also. I believe I will gain contents of unimagined joy.

I have so much already. Really, with all of our stuff, clothes, a home, a family, friends who love me even when I am in a bad place, I have so much. This journey, this year isn't about gaining stuff, I want nothing tangible. It isn't about a quest for friendships, although I have never turned one down. This year is about gaining insight, compassion, understanding, and knowledge. It's about reading, doing, dreaming, writing, painting, sculpting, trying things I never thought I would ever be able to do. This year is about allowing the meager dreams I have, fall away so that greater things can happen. I believe God dreams bigger things for you than you can ever dream for yourself, so this year is about letting down my guard, my need for control, to see what God has in store for me. I have never felt so free, or so naked. If Kellie's neurosis falls in the woods, with no one else around and she doesn't blog about it, will anyone hear it?