Friday, April 24, 2009

Living the Dream

When I was a small child I had 6 dolls representing the 6 children I dreamed of having. They all had quite ridiculous names I had made up and I spent hours in my basement tending to their every need. My "husband" had no face or purpose, other than to go to work and disappear. His invisible nature allowed me to do all the parenting of our plastic family. I had dreams of what I would be doing as an adult. I never thought of myself as working outside the home. I saw my tiny self being a housewife and mother only. My dream was to get married and have a family and live a quiet existence behind a white picket fence encasing a perfectly manicured yard.

That's the great thing about dreams, no yard work is required. I never did the math of who would mow the lawn and plant the flowers. In my tiny brain it all just magically appeared. I never worried about my invisible husband's job or health. I gave no fore thought to paying bills or house renovation. The house would just be perfect and maintenance would never be an issue.

By the time I was in high school everything for me had changed. Realities of life had begun to chip away at my perfect world and cynicism had taken the place of idealism. My perfect future was on life support barely hanging on.

College came and I was struggling to remember any of the dreams I had as a child. With the few remaining faint images that lived dormant in my subconscious, I decided to pull the plug and let them all go. I was different and I felt there was no turning back.

I met a beautiful boy after nursing school and once again my life turned a different direction. He also wanted many children and the white picket fence. This breathed new life into my past dreams and resurrected them from the ashes. We would have all I ever wanted and the invisible husband now had a face and a name.

The dream in my head began to show signs of strain when it began the process of becoming reality. I was a mother of 6, but 2 of the children didn't survive. My very visible husband and I were having very real and difficult problems to deal with. The yard work was eating up all of our free time and the house was in a constant state of change. Soon after, my dream morphed into a nightmare, where I was alone to support my 4 kids and take care of my tiny run down house by myself. The beautiful boy was buried miles from our home and the family and family home were my sole responsibility. I sat at my dining room table exhausted at the end of the day many evenings wondering how in the hell things had gone so wrong. Until one night it occurred to me I was so busy living the life I had asked for, I had forgotten to open it up to possibilities I hadn't even thought of.

As a single mother of 4 young children I was publicly reduced to the ideas of what others decided I could and should have. I had gotten boxed into a life that no longer served me. I was reduced to whatever stereo type others had set for me. People came into my life and told me what I could ask for and I bought into it hook, line and sinker. I was told I shouldn't expect anyone to want to marry me. I was told I would be best served to forget about any idea of happiness because it was all about the kids and the work. With all the tangible human loss my family had suffered, for me this was the single greatest loss of all.

In my 20's I would call my grandmother and tell her how my life was going and at that time it wasn't great. She would laugh at my melodramatic tales of woe and say this simple thought, "Kellie, you have forgotten who you are. Hang in there, pretty soon it will all come back to you. You, my dear, are a child of God and all the possibilities that holds." My grandmother must have said that to me a hundred times. It was at my dining room table, years after she passed away that I finally got it. Grandma was right, it all came back to me.

There was a definite turning point for me a decade ago when I decided that I determined my worth. I woke up from my zombie state of too much work, responsibility and martyrdom and made the active decision that I was not doomed to the life I was leading. I knew that I could not produce a prince charming to rescue me, but I could write a list of what I wanted in a life partner and stop wasting my time on men who weren't worthy of me or my kids. I wrote a list of all the things I wanted to do and see before it was too late. I wrote down my wants and needs and desires. I turned my dreams into paper so I could hold them in my hand and carry them with me, as a reminder that I could have everything I wanted and more. I wasn't asking for perfect. I knew then, as I know now, that life hands you things that can topple you over when you least expect it. What I wanted was a hand back up after the fall.

Something amazing happened after I decided to be different. Day after day simple changes began to take place. Day by day I began to appreciate things more. I had hope again in my life. I had possibility back in my heart. I began each day waiting for the good instead of bracing for the bad. I began to see the world, not as the hard, mean spirited torturer, but as a place I belonged to. I forgave those who had lost faith in my ability to turn things around. I understood why they looked at my life as a stark reminder of all the bad that can happen. There was truth in what they saw, however I didn't have to be defined by my past or even my present. In choosing to be different I had finally made a choice, instead of waiting for the choice to be made for me. I was being proactive rather than reactive. My troubles weren't completely over with this new revelation. There was and is work still to be done.

I am living my dreams. I have a family I love and am proud of. I have a husband who loves me and supports my dreams for myself. I have friends I adore and who so graciously adore me back. I know instinctively that I have all these things because I dared to make room for them. I had the unmitigated gall to think I deserved more than what I already had. I had the audacity to keep dreaming big things for myself long after others had given up on me. The best part of deciding anything can happen, is it usually does. My life isn't stagnant or in a holding pattern. Each new day brings good and bad and change. Every morning, I continue to hold the hope of something wonderful occurring. Even the smallest shift can make me smile.

I am growing as I write this. I feel the push and pull of muscles, brain cells and heart strings stretching to their limit. I feel the tightness giving way to openness and and outstretched hands. I have no idea where this road leads. I don't feel it necessary to know today which direction I am going. I firmly stuffed my emotional compass in my pocket away from the glare of doubt. I will trust that this path is right and I am going to see, experience and feel new and different things that will help me be a better version of myself.

What's on the agenda for today? I have no earthly idea. I know my kids have plans to be away for the weekend. I know Michael and I have two whole days to enjoy each other. I know the wiener, after being paralyzed for weeks, can now stand up on his own. The sun just came up. Looks like another beautiful day here. There rest resides in the place of possibility. I can't wait to see what happens next.

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