Shock and Ahhh...

My path has been uneven and rocky at times, but it has the most beautiful scenery perseverance can buy.
I have bounced back and forth throughout my life between screaming,"Are you freakin' kidding me?" to sighing,"That's the nicest thing I have ever heard..."
I had spent some time while writing my book really breaking down my life and looking at it as if it were a spectator sport. Ages 14 through 16, I was a drama queen. Everything was a big deal. At least to me it was. I had actively decided to be bad and confrontational. My classmates remember me just yelling at everybody. Every story about me, told to my husband, ended with, "...and then she yelled at me!" I now avoid those folks at the reunions. No sense reliving the past if I am not going to put it in writing. I became a victim from ages 17-20, feeling sorry for myself and always making sure there was plenty of beer and wine at my pity parties. During ages 20-27, I was reticent. I became quieter and quieter trying desperately to disappear into the woodwork. My thought was if I stay still maybe no one will notice. The truly sad thing was, I did stay quiet and no one did. From 28 through 35, I became a victim again. Even though it hadn't worked out for me the first time I was no quitter. Ages 36 to the present date, my current state is my "It is what it is" phase. I am part active participant and part observational humorist. That's not to say I never cry anymore, but unlike my past, I don't sit in my own bucket of tears trying to drown myself.

I have come to terms with my own naivety. I realize that I can now claim it as part of my charm. I am not hand over my car to an inner city "Valet" while shopping at the junkyard naive, but I do have a tendency to sit back gobsmacked at some people's behavior, especially when those people are my kids. Reserving judgment is something I am working on. It's like balancing an egg on a high wire. Some days I can sit straight faced as they talk about their views and actions and acts of survival in high school and college. Other days my face glows like a stop light and I have to take my pulse to check if my heart has exploded yet. As I said before, I am working on this.

I have been the fool to rush in, taking in stray animals, outcasts or adult runaways only to find out they stole my purse and/or the last shred of my pride. I have opened myself up to those who seemingly needed help and found myself completely and utterly shocked at the way some live without a conscience. I am a product of the Walt Disney years, so I have always had that nosy little cricket's voice in my head. I was stymied, wondering how they did it and if they would teach me. Living for only yourself seemed a whole lot easier than the path I had chosen.

I have been the angel who feared to tread. I have rolled up my sidewalks and pulled my blinds, shutting the outside world completely out, as if there were bombs dropping from the sky. I had had my ass handed to me enough times that staying out of the fray seemed my only option. I lived for weeks with no visible signs of life coming from my house except to go to work or take kids somewhere. Once, our neighbors thought we had moved. That was fine by me, until I realized they were stealing my mail. All they got were bills I couldn't pay, so they eventually came to the door and handed them over, opened and read, and said they got delivered by mistake. The joke was on them. I thought about stealing their mail, when it occurred to me that damn cricket was still yapping in my brain. Eventually, I would come out of hiding and poke my head out the front door. If I didn't see anyone else's shadow I would emerge.

My "It is what it is" phase is coming along nicely. I am honing my "whatever" skills. I am getting too old to deal with high school barbie drama. I had put a stop to paying attention when I was in high school, back when dinosaurs roamed the earth, and just can't bear it now. I wait to feel sorry for someone until I know the whole story. If there is real tragedy and sympathy to be had I will gladly give it hand delivered with a homemade pie. If someone has left their car door open with the keys in the ignition and their car gets stolen, then I say nothing. It is what it is. My deal is, I don't want to deprive someone of their life's experience. My life in it's totality , so far, has taught me things either by personal experience or by watching others. The lessons are invaluable. Most of my schooling has cost zero dollars and little blood, a little tears and lots of sweat. If sweat equity were currency I would be the richest cat in town.

I still own a pendulum to swing from, occasionally going from OMG to TTUL. I am not in the market for complete control just yet.
I like the rare emotional outburst now and zen.