Thursday, June 4, 2009

There are no words...But there are dreams

I received my author's copy of the book in the mail yesterday. I watched my title go up on three different web sites for sale. Today I watched my book trailer go up on YouTube to promote my book. And then it hit me. My book is online for sale on one of the largest book sellers in the world. I stared at the cover. I actually couldn't take my eyes off of it. I was blown away that my dream came true. There just aren't words to describe the feeling of getting something you have waited a life time for. I wrote in my robe, with my bifocals on my face, scribbling on spiral notebooks left over from the kids school year. My hieroglyphics of ink blotted, scratched up messes were my reference to being a writer.
I had read that to be a writer only means that you need to write, you need it like breathing or eating. To be a writer merely means that you write. For years I said I "want to be a writer". For years I saw myself in the distance writing a book with my name on the front cover, gleaming under the glossy laminate. I dreamed of this moment for as long as I can remember. To write a book for me, was the equivalent of winning the lottery, Academy Award and Nobel Peace Prize all wrapped into one.

But life got in the way and I started to let go of the idea that one day I would finish all the numerous writing projects shoved into cupboards. I continued to write as if magically just by doing it my dreams would come true. I wrote because I have always written. I wrote as if my life depended on it and in some ways I think it did. My book has many stories of how I survived a near death experience, an ovarian tumor with the potential to kill me and the death of Danny my ex-husband. Would I have survived if I hadn't written all the volumes of thoughts and feelings into all those notebooks? I am not sure...

It's all just now sinking in that my dream came true. It's sinking in very slowly, one small moment at a time. I feel no need to hurry through this and get on to the next thing. I want it to saturate my skin like a warm bath. I want to wallow in this time of knowing for certain that if you dream something for yourself that it can come true. I want to pay homage to the time when I had no money, the kids and I were terrified of what big disaster would come next that might do us completely in. I want to respect the notebooks I have kept out of sentimentality, that house my raw thoughts.
Tomorrow I will not work on any book because my body is telling me it's time to rest and absorb. I have spent 10-12 hour days on my computer or with a notebook writing. I have spent countless hours doing research for the different and sundry projects that go with publishing a book. For the last year I have sweated and toiled over the work wondering if I was dreaming too big. Tomorrow, I will wake up when my body says to. I will savor my coffee and gaze at my husband who has also been working so very hard to support his wife's writing habit. Tomorrow, I will think about all the days when I dreamed for this moment and thank each and every one of them for keeping me going.

That's what dreams really are. They are fuel for our bodies and minds to hang on to, so that we keep going. Come Monday, I will have room for for my next big dream. I will allow the inspiration to fill me up and move me forward. But for now I just want to be happy and grateful for the dream that got me here.

The book trailer is currently on YouTube at .
Watch the trailer and then try and go to bed early. You never know what you might dream.

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