"The Beginning of the End"

The title of this piece is the title of the chapter I wrote about how Danny my ex-husband died of cancer. It was devastating time for me, but for my kids it just kept rearing it's ugly head at every turn. There have been constant reminders about how they lost their father in times and places that were/are so unexpected. They continue to mourn, even now, which some folks find unfathomable. But the truth of the matter is children must be allowed the time to handle things as they are ready and not as adults deem fit.

I have been obsessively watching the Michael Jackson news lately, for lack of any want to watch the real news. I admit, it's total avoidance of reality, but I find it a nice reprieve from both of the wars and the deluge of bad economic news. I watched the memorial start to finish. I did have better things to do, but I couldn't tear myself away. I wasn't sure why I was so fascinated, but I continued to watch every program that remotely dealt with his death. I watched his 11 year old daughter cry at a microphone, telling the world how much she loved her daddy and showing her broken heart. There was speculation that she was being "exploited" and prompted. I couldn't help but feel that was ridiculous. I was glad she had the grace under fire, and the courage to tell us about the love she had for him and the love she felt when he was with her. She took the opportunity to publicly grieve. I was glad she could. My own tears streamed down my face as I watched this tiny girl and her brothers cling to their family as the weight of losing their father sunk in. Whatever one thinks about Michael Jackson, at some point he became a man who fathered children, who are now forced to survive without him.

Anderson Cooper was talking to Larry King about the fact they were both fatherless children at a young age. He mentioned a quote that brought a huge amount of insight to me.

"Fatherless children think anything is possible and nothing is safe."

I immediately understood what that meant, after having watched my own kids deal with the death of their dad. It is a mere statement of truth. Children in my opinion are not resilient, as so many like to say. They are just little people trying the best that they can to deal with what life hands them without any experience or control of their circumstances. Kids "look" resilient because they have no choices. They do as expected because an adult is guiding them to do it. They do not bounce back, as once presumed. They grieve when they can in whatever form they can. A counselor told me after Danny died that my kids would grieve at different times in their lives because they were so little it would take time for them to come to terms with it. The years it took for kids to fully participate in the grieving aspect of the death of their father was then misconstrued as resilience. My kids were never allowed to publicly grieve. They had been, much to my dismay, dismissed as too young to understand. The truth is they felt everything a thousand times over. When there weren't adults around to shut them up, they grieved in the purest, gut wrenching form. Most adults assumed that because they were young they didn't really feel it, understand it or emotionally grasp it. They were absolutely WRONG. Children get this type of mourning better than adults because there is no baggage to stop or circumvent it. For kids it comes from their guts.

I see where my own children see everything as possible and nothing as safe. They lost their hero on September 1997. They would never be the same. They have learned to cry when they need to, laugh when they feel it, and love those who deserve it. It has taken all the years of maturing and talking and feeling to move into the people they are today. I am fortunate that my kids didn't move completely inward when they were shut out of the public grieving process. They managed to become more empathetic to other fatherless kids. They call it the "Dead Dad Club". Maudlin, yes, but necessary in some ways. Those who have lost their hero at a young age deserve their own club, for the bravery they have to exhibit.

My heart breaks whenever I see kids who have lost a parent. Michael Jackson's children are no exception. They will face the remainder of their days without the one constant unconditional love they had since the day they were born. Every holiday, every milestone will hold an empty chair to remind them that he didn't get to witness their accomplishments in life. Playing a CD to hear his voice isn't going to fix that. Neither is any amount of money. Some kids in the "Dead Dad Club" have inheritances and they all say the same thing. They would give every dime back with interest for 5 more minutes with their Dad, who they loved so very much.