So I Was Thinking...

I'll be the first one to admit I have been waxing nostalgic for the past few months. I think I do that most when I am sick. Having been sick for a few months, I had time, lots of time to roll around in my head. I had a conversation with someone who I could tell was thinking it was all about them, my need to spend my time thinking through past missteps, present quandaries and future conundrums. I tried to correct them saying, "Look, I have all this time on the couch, I might as well figure some things out," but unfortunately they did not have ears. My friend Dr. Erin taught me about people without ears, the ones who say they heard you, but clearly everything you just said went through their filter because they did not have open ears to take in the actual words. In the end they didn't hear me, but I still had lots of time, so I continued on my quest. Being sick and incapacitated, I was faced with two real choices, I could either think, or spend my time feeling really sorry for myself. I had felt sorry for myself and I didn't like it. Nothing got accomplished, I didn't feel any better, so the next logical step was to think. When I was married before he used to say, "You think too much." I always looked at him completely puzzled and asked this, "As opposed to being thoughtless or empty headed?" At that point a fight would ensue. How could I possibly have known that would happen? O.K., I baited him, I did. But the idea that one could "think too much" is a concept I absolutely do not understand. I do understand about letting go of things when we have no control. I understand that obsessing over a problem may not change a thing, but I am not ready to relinquish my beautiful brain's ability to take me on whatever journey I need to go in order to spare myself the same path I had just gotten away from.

I love my brain, the little quirky crevices that lead me into places much too dark and scary for the average person. I love the way I my heart has a direct link, which is why my jobs have always been about helping people. I love the way my brain directs conflict right back to me, mirroring it, so I look at my place in whatever misunderstanding is taking place. I almost never think I am right, until I know I am. I tend to leave the situation and think about what I could have done differently, what my responsibility was, how I could improve. I really love that about my beautiful brain. I say beautiful brain, because my brain is all out hot. It has taken some real hits and bounced back. It continues to work out, straining to keep it's girlie figure. It works overtime without complaint, although the rest of my body whines like a child. My beautiful brain, woke up when I was 28 years old after giving birth to Betty, and it could not work right away. Starved of oxygen and deprived of blood, it lay in my skull trying desperately to get it's bearings. It could not remember things it used to know, it could not even remember how to tell my lungs to breathe again. My poor sickly, beautiful brain was really struggling. It took two years for it to gain back nearly everything it had lost. Luckily for me, it never gave up. I gotta hand it to my brain, it came back with a vengeance and has not stopped working since.

The new year is coming and in this past month when I was at my sickest, my beautiful brain and I began plotting some real changes for the future. This is where the nostalgia comes in. I started to think a lot about the past, so I could gently release it into the world, back to it's time, so I could move on from here, the exact spot I am standing in now. I know not everyone has to go to all that trouble, but maybe my beautiful brain requires more attention. Whatever my brain needs, I try and give it. It's the least I could do since it has saved my life on more than one occasion.

New Year's Eve has always been a real mixed bag for me. It never lives up to the hype, never! But I like it anyway, as it is the way, the clear path, to the new year. Years ago when Mike and I spent more time at home than out in the world, doing family things, I gave up on the whole "Party like it's 1999" thing. But I will tell you, I get so excited for the new year to come. I am completely child like about the idea of a fresh start, new opportunities, new adventures, new people, places and things. Michael is less enthusiastic, or at least he used to be. I have worn him down over time, being my dorky self, cheering just short of pom-poms for the upcoming year. This year is no different. Actually, I am more excited about this year, than I have been in a while. The possibilities seem endless to me.
I was sitting at work when one of the college students said on December 21, " A year from today the world is supposed to end." Well, there is a real buzz kill for New Year's, but here is what I said and I absolutely believe, "I think it is an end of an era. The world as we know it will end, but what will prevail will be so much better."
For me, this year marks the end of an era, a time in motherhood. Yes, they are always my kids, but they are not kids anymore so unless I plan to follow them out into the world, I had better move on. Not to worry, they have insured they will do me harm if I stalk them. It is the end of the life Michael and I thought we might have, and used to have. It's definitely time to think outside the box. This New Year's Eve marks the end of me watching out for the family in the same way. I am not having to to worry about homes, jobs and security like I used to. I never made a single decision without that worry and this is the year, where, POOF, in an instant it will all be gone. I'll still worry for my kids, but not about school districts.

This upcoming year is all about insecurity and not knowing. I think the adventure this year will be about having no answers to anything. I am calling this the "I DON'T KNOW YEAR, 2012." For example, where will we live-I don't know. What job will Michael or I have?-I don't know. Will the kids still be with us?-I don't know. See what I mean? 2012 is all about open ended questions that will only be answered when they are answered. That freaked me out in 2011, but since my couch thinking, I have to realize it has so much freedom, it allows for so much great and wonderful surprises. You know those people who say, "I hate surprise parties, never do that!" Yeah, well, I am just the opposite of that. I love fun surprises. I adore them, especially since I have hit middle age and I have started to feel like I have seen too much.

I really, really hope something wonderful and surprising happens for you tonight and for the upcoming year. I hope you meet someone who knocks your socks off. I met a couple of folks like that this year and it was fandamntastic! I hope something you might have given up on, comes true for you in spades. I hope for you, this year you feel loved, safe, secure, engaged, involved, and welcome. As my beautiful brain takes on the new year's list of all the possibilities, the one item that is going on the top of my list is for you. I want for you to be the happiest you have ever been. My resolution list isn't just about resolutions, it's about my prayers, too. I wish for all of us, peace, prosperity, and most of all, above all else, love, lots and lots of over flowing, come out of nowhere love, so much in fact I would like all our hearts to hurt a little because they have to stretch so far in order to take it all in.
Tonight, as I dance in the arms of the love of my life, I will open my clenched fist and let go, sinking deep into the year of the unknown. I am giving my beautiful brain the night off.

Happy New Year, Dearest Ones!