Happy Birthday?

Saturday is my birthday, I will be 46 years old. The number really doesn't mean much for me. I gave up short hemlines and certain clothes in my thirties. When 40 came I was ready to start the second half of my life and move away from youth into maturity. Not to say people aren't mature in their 30's, but they don't have to start shopping for their AARP card yet.

"When I was a child I thought as a child, but when I became a man I put away those childish things." I quote this to my kids all the time while they remain half child and half adult. They have their transition and I have mine. Mine is about making sure I live out the remainder of my days in passion. I did the whole marriage, picket fence having babies thing. I did the whole struggling, single parent thing. Now is the time for me to live in the promise of passionate pursuits. It is me fulfilling a promise I made to myself a very long time ago.

I love my birthdays because it gives me a little time to be selfish and think about me. I reflect on what worked in the past year, what didn't and what I have learned. My professional life is in limbo this year, more than any other time in my life. I noticed though I am worrying less which is a huge accomplishment for me. If I had back all the time I needlessly worried and was hand wringing I would add another 10 years to my life. Since I am only half way through my life I am thinking I am ahead of the curve learning that particular nugget of wisdom. I won't say I never worry, but it happens less and the ferocity of it is much lower. I suffered from panic attacks in the 1990's while I going through my divorce and Danny's (ex-husband) death. My heart would go out of rhythm and beat as fast as a rabbit. My palms would sweat, my mind would race and I would end the happy occasion breathing heavily into a paper bag so I wouldn't pass out from hyperventilating. I looked lovely with my hair matted to my head, clutching my chest while panting into some one's lunch bag. They feel like heart attacks for anyone who hasn't experienced the magic of them. They are emotional responses that turn into a flight or fight physical responses. Definitely as much fun as a root canal, definitely.
Eventually, after counseling and some much needed perspective the panic attacks stopped. I still had the occasional behavioral freak out, but nothing like I did when I felt like I had lost control and my body followed suit by having me lose total physical control. At 46 I feel accomplished in that I get that my control is limited at best anyway, so why get all bunched about it.

I have noticed a segment of the female population who is having such a difficult time accepting their aging bodies and minds. I think they are missing out. I don't borrow my kids clothes because I am bigger and I would look ridiculous, not to mention the fact that it would make my daughters physically ill if I did. I don't shop in the junior department because I am not young anymore. Being "old" doesn't have to mean being finished. I have met some women who get so offended by the word "old". I don't. I like where I am now. I know all about what I don't have anymore due to age, but what about what I have gained. Some women get put out by this because they would rather have beauty than wisdom. I get that, I really do, but what about what you know about, well, say sex. Would you wish to be 20 again and too afraid to ask for what you want? Not me, sister, the 20 somethings can have their flat stomachs and line less faces, I like the way I am now in that department. It has taken me years to hone those skills and I wouldn't relinquish any of them for perfect skin and vein less legs. I am more comfortable with myself than at any other time in my life. That is a win-win for me and my husband. I am not afraid to take what I want. My birthdays have ended up being gifts for him and me.
I am not at all concerned about what others think about my clothes, hair or what I drive. I have no sense of embarrassment for that. I most certainly did when I was young. So much wasted energy on things that didn't matter. I remember being young and scared that everyone thought I was ugly, poor and stupid. Since my kids have qualified me as being "old" all information is on a need to know basis. If I need to know tell me, otherwise leave my sagging butt out of it.

I like this birthday because it has no expectation to it. 46 isn't a big birthday for cliche parties or scheduled life events. It just is. I like the idea that it is nothing and yet still has the possibility to be anything. I know some people who have great expectations every year for certain requested gifts or traditional happenings. Me, I like to play every year by ear. The one certainty for me as I age and get "old" is no one year is exactly like the next. One year I'll get a puppy and the next year it's Spiderman on DVD, which is cool because when I was little I used to adore Spidey and I would throw myself at a chain link fence, grabbing on for dear life and stick to it, like him.
One year will be laid back and the next will be led with an itinerary.

I have no preconceived ideas for what this year holds. I will be happy with what ever comes. I could get my hopes up and start putting all me birthday eggs in one basket, so that if the family gets it wrong I have the whole day to mope and feel sorry for me, but I tried the Pity Party theme and it just didn't do much for me. The big gift I want this year is quiet. No TV, computer, radio or any other device shooting an aerial sound assault at my head. I want to wake up without an alarm. Spend the whole day doing I don't know what with no sound, except those made by actual living people in the house. Maybe I'll ask for quiet all day and then have movie night in the evening with a glass of wine, sharp white cheese and small pieces of toasted sourdough bread. Throw in some strawberries and I have my perfect evening all mapped out. If per chance the family has plans in place to go to a noisy venue filled with beer, starches and bad manners, I may use my right to veto the birthday bash. I'll hand them my marvelous birthday map and see what they think. The very next day is Mother's day. The family gets very stressed out coming up with back to back ideas. Hopefully the map will ease the strain.

I like birthdays with their misshapen cakes, ill fitting gifts, and over thought out elaborate plans that never translate correctly. I love the idea that the family collectively sweats over getting things perfect when I am completely satisfied with thoughtful. I relish every note of the off key extreme singing of the Happy Birthday song, where even the dogs howl their way through it.

Saturday will be a surprise for all of us, even if it wasn't purposely planned. That is what I like best about my birthdays most of all.