Shutting Up and Being Still

I have a minor problem right now. I can't take any deep breaths, laugh, cough, or sneeze. I have torn rib cage muscles and pleurisy, which is inflammation of the covering of my lungs. I have it on my right side. It's a stabbing pain with a lovely dull ache that resides in my right arm. The right side of my neck is pulling me that direction making me somewhat lopsided. I have to be very still. I can't show any really strong emotions that would quicken my taxed breathing. I have to be nothing right now.

I am not good at being nothing. I like to have a mile long to-do list every morning where I run around like a maniac attempting to get at least half of it done. I love being busy, especially at home. I had big plans for this week. I had my lists made in advance and I was squeezing in even more things that I wanted to try and do. 24 hours of non stop productivity, that was the goal.
I woke up Sunday, startled out of a dead sleep knowing something was horribly wrong. I couldn't take a deep breath and my ribs felt like they were on fire. The pain began to move up my neck and down my arm. I knew in that instant things I had planned for the week were gone to the circular file. I had bigger fish to fry this week than cleaning out my desk drawer or organizing the dish towel cupboard. I was going to have to do all the things I preach at others to do in order to heal.

As a retired nurse and massage therapist, I have lectured people on health issues for over 25 years. I have dealt with every type of illness imaginable. I would assess the situation and give my professional opinion on what would be the logical next step. I would carefully explain in detail every step of the impending care plan. I had to figure out what I would do for me. No pushing through this, not this time. I had to be down or suffer the consequences of making it worse.

I have to be still. I have to slow my own breathing to try and expand my lungs as much as humanly possible without sending myself into excruciating pain. I have to allow the muscles to heal and relax and the swelling to go down. One wrong move and I get re injured and the everything gets inflamed again. Alternating heat and ice and ibuprofen are my new closest friends, that and sleep. We all heal more in our sleep. I haven't been sleeping, so in some ways I was setting myself up for an injury or illness. Lacking sleep is no small matter.
I started to feel put out by the whole mess. Until I realized that I don't believe in random acts or happenings. I believe all things have a reason and I am not immune to learning another big life lesson right now simply because I am busy. I know from many personal , and sometimes very painful lessons that this is not the time to question why me or why now or why anything. I am being forced to shut up and be still. That is one big ass sign. I didn't think I needed to be hit over the head with anything to get me to listen, but maybe my need to busy up lately is not the right course to take. This may be my "Y" in the road. I have been running around trying my darnedest to keep everybody afloat.

OK, so I get that I am not supposed to be writing, cleaning, calling, cooking, and shoving a broom up my butt and sweeping on my way out. Here's what I have figured out so far.

I have limited things I can do so I am guessing I should focus on those. I have 3 books I am reading for work. I can read all day now if I so choose.

I can still type but not much, so I have to pick my writing priorities. This blog is definitely my biggest for now. That and the books I have started. All else will have to go unanswered.

I can walk slowly around my garden and pick ripe tomatoes and cut basil and make myself a salad.

I can sit outside in the morning because this week we have low humidity and 58 degree nights. Even the windows are open.

I can listen to my family without interrupting with my own ideas. They are loving this!

I can meditate and pray in the morning without a million racing thoughts to block me since I have nowhere to race to now, anyway.

I have been able to reflect on the book and think happy thoughts. I have no control anymore. It is being prepared to be made into the final product. For the next 2 weeks I have nothing to do with the book except sit and wait.

So there it is. I have things I can do with what I have, even now. I have a million things to be grateful for that I may have blowing past since I was so busy. I am learning the new skill of shutting up and being still. I am learning that my slow down I was practicing evidently wasn't slow enough. Rather than look at this as some sort of horrible tragedy, I am looking at it as an opportunity.
I am mostly thankful that this opportunity didn't have to knock to get noticed. I don't have the strength to go answer the door right now. This one entered on it's own, announcing it's arrival and refusal to vacate until I acknowledged it's presence. With nothing better to do now, I have the time to get to know it. I am learning and absorbing things like a sponge. I feel like I did when I was a kid in school and I got algebra for the first time. Just when my body gave up, my mind kicked in. My place right now is to be the student.
With sharpened pencils and the smell of a freshly opened notebook, I am on a sabbatical of learning. I know this too shall pass and soon enough I will be back to my old self...or will I? Maybe I'll just be a healthy newer version of me. Whatever the outcome, I am just happy to take advantage of the quiet me. I just feel very lucky to be learning anything new my age.