You Want Me To Do What?

So I needed print ready pictures of myself to help promote the book. Sounds easy enough until you realize that the picture with the book in front of my face, is usually what I am most comfortable with. I am not crazy about looking at my own face. I admit that my insecurities run pretty deep, so I have been genius at ignoring my own face. Wrinkles, blemishes and imperfections are of no consequence to me, until I am forced to deal with them. Yesterday I was forced to deal with them. Oooooooooh.

I got the book in my hot little hand and it all started to sink in how fortunate I have been to have the opportunity to do this at all. The great side to all this is doing what I love to do. The down side is this. Pictures of me and constant self promotion. This is what terrifies me the most. I envy the folks out there who stand tall in front of all kinds of cameras completely comfortable with their own image. I'm 46 years old and have never been all that comfortable standing behind a camera let alone in front of one. My thinking is at my age it may not get any better.

I am, however, completely comfortable talking to 1 or 100 people at any given time. i enjoy face time with others because I am focused on them, not me. I delve into other people's faces and expressions and their eyes that tell their story. I am a watchful person, exploring the expressions of others, as a way to get to know them better. I am not a critical eye, though. I don't judge people on their appearance. That is not where my detail oriented eye goes to. I don't care if you are over weight, dye your hair or have giant boils on your face. What I look for is sincerity, kindness and decency in soft eyes and expressive looks. I watch for sadness, happiness, curiosity and empathy.

So, what's my hang up about me? I have no clue. I am like everybody else I guess, in that I am not so certain about my face that I like displaying it all over town. I have the same worry lines showing up in every photograph of me as any other person who feels the twinges of insecurity.

I don't fish for compliments, as they too, make me uncomfortable. If it were up to me my face would be blank. But that too made me think. I know for a fact that people often gravitate to me because of a certain look I may have on my face. I know my own sincere expressions appear when I feel folks and what they are going through. My eyes, my favorite thing about me, appear on the cover of the book, not my entire face. I did that not out of vanity or insecurity, but rather because they truly are the windows to my soul. Corny? Yes, but very true. My eyes were what I used the most in order to figure out my own path, whether it was watching my kids, seeing my friends or looking at my beloved husband. Look into my eyes and you will know in an instant what I am thinking or feeling in any given moment. You don't need to gander at my entire puss to know I am happy, sad, indifferent or amused.

I went to the photo session with little expectations and treated it as a part of my job as if I were having to type out a finished draft. In the end Mike and I had fun with it because we got a very lovely young girl photographer, who had a great sense of humor. We laughed and played and I made a general fool of myself and forgot about the unnecessary pressure I was putting on myself to try and look perfect when clearly, I am anything but. The pictures came out pretty good and definitely good enough for my work purposes. The best part was I felt like I looked like me. In the end, the eyes have it!