It's All Just An Illusion

I am in the throws of change, big , hairy unexpected change. Change is good. I am all for change. I love change of every denomination. I like the way it jingles in my purse and makes me sound like a one woman band. I love finding it on the ground and assuming I will have good luck for the next several days. I love when after months of collecting my change I can empty my over stuffed pig into the change counter and walk out with two new dollar bills. Change is exciting and new and shiny. It's the wonderful unexpected shiny bauble that easily distracts me and keeps me occupied for hours. I sit mesmerized, staring at my change wondering if it will move or grow or leave me hypnotized for the remainder of the day. The synopsis of this is Change Is Good.

Scheduling your life around your newly acquired change is... maybe bad isn't right, so let's all be politically correct and call it "challenging". My challenge is to try and fit my old life in with my new life. My old life is familiar, easy and worn in like my favorite bathrobe. My bathrobe is pink and fuzzy and I wear it everyday in the wee hours when I write. It's sort of like a security
blanket, only without the embarrassing explanation to my deep attachment to it. No one ever asks me to explain why I am wearing a robe. They are just very pleased that I do.
My new life is edgy and exciting and moves quickly, darting around inside my head. I find myself chasing my new life all over the house. Usually it's when I am required to produce information that I haven't had time to organize, so it's written on paper towels and napkins strewn all around my 5 different work areas. You'll have to forgive my disorganization, but my new life swept in all glamorous and demanded all the attention. It's constant neediness had me going all over the place just to keep up. New lives have so much more energy than old ones do.

I am in Juggling mode. I need to juggle the new life with the old life and find a happy medium somewhere in the mix. I know it's in there I just have to try and find it. My problem is as I am juggling all day I only see the blurring of what I need to get a handle on. But I am a chicken and don't want to drop the balls long enough to see what I can keep and what I maybe should let go of for now. What if I drop the ball and I need that ball and I can't get that ball back in the air? What if never again do I hear the sweet sound of some one telling me, "Kellie you have got some balls!" I just don't think I can risk it. What to do, what to do...

OK, truth be told I am going to try and let go of much of my old stuff. My old life has been fine. I am not whining about it. However I am not he same person who started with that old life. 5 years ago it was the new life and came in all crazy like a life gone wild. I think it's time to move on. I am keeping the people because those never go out of style. The robe stays too, until every tattered shred disappears into the lint catcher. I love my robe, no apologies. I am going to sit down today and get rid of what doesn't work anymore. I am not the mother of small kids anymore so we shouldn't even own a toy box. I am getting rid of my need to step in all the time. I have been practicing that one and I have gotten pretty good at stepping back and knowing that the kids will be OK. I am taking one more step into independence. I'll slowly evaluate all the things in my old life I love so very much and want to hang onto. But just as I had to move out he 80's and get rid of all my fingerless gloves and torn lace hosier so too now do I have to move on to another time when hemlines are 5 inches different and my age plays a factor.

I am excited about my big move into the new life. It's for me, like moving from your starter home that was filled to the brim with big wheels and changing tables into the retirement condo that has pristine white carpet and glass top tables. My new life has me thinking about what I want for the first time in twenty years. Up until now, I had eliminated that question completely merely because it conflicted with what I needed to do for my kids. Just knowing I have choices in this new life is very exciting. The old life had a good run so there should be no complaints during final call, just a few happy tears and some great stories.

I have to go. My new life is knocking hard to get moving. It's so impatient. It just barges in at a moments notice and pushes me to start packing up the old to make room for the new to move in.

If you happen to see me and I look a little different, please understand, it's only because I am.